Seriously, like, I'm supposed to be in the hotel bathing or stuffing myself with supermarket fare. This trip can be SO much better! Well at least we get to play softball. Heheh. Can't wait to start the competition!!

Okay anyway the weather here in Thailand is getting weird! It didn't used to be so hot in the afternoons, but its still cool at night and I love places with cool weather.. Just a short update because I really can't blog for long lol.

Update again! Just in case I can't do it on time..
Happy New Year in advance people!

dreaming

Seems like my blog has been dead for about a week.. Likely to go on hehe since I rarely go online nowadays and no one really knows when I'll update.

Just had a week or so traveling around and going places I've never been to, and I'm feeling pretty darn awesome, save the fact that I just woke up from a dream about the A level chemistry paper, the fact that my English is deteriorating like mad and the prospect of forgetting how to write (tell me when you last touched a pen this holidays).

I've been eating a lot (DUH!) and at the same time attempting to exercise some restraint because the food here is so darn good I can't stop. Just ate a Japanese buffet last night ohmygoodness it > just about any Japanese food I've eaten other than that mini Waraku trip I had with Shimamoto-san and the egg rolls right after at raffles place with Towers. It probably is doing terrible things to my fitness and since Indonesia is not a really good place to be running I haven't done anything other than climbing the stairs to get to my mattress.

I'm not sure if I'm going to Thailand because no one's told me about how to make the freaking payment when I'm not in Singapore. Geez. Someone help me pay first?

I give nice cookie in return.

In Bandung

Guess I'd blog a bit before I leave Bandung and all the free internet that came with it.. Yes people Bandung is a PLACE, a city rather, and not a DRINK! The drink's Rose Syrup. Hahah.

Okay so we went into the crater of a volcano today it was COOL! Literally. It was excessively cool. Absolutely freezing in there. The whole place smelt of sulphur (yes the element) and I knew the smell because there were tons of yellow powder lying around in the crater. Probably left behind from previous eruptions.. Hmm.. I seriously dumped all the secondary 4 geography stuff out of my head. Whatever! So it was the first time I stepped into a volcano crater and thankfully it DID NOT EXPLODE as sianying prophesied it would.

The strawberries there were awesome sweet! I only managed to eat one because my stoopid retainers had to get in the way. Ugh. I think I kind of learnt the art of bargaining lol just walk away and they'll make a major cut. If its still too expensive, dump a price on the guy and walk away again. That worked for me these few days, even though I didn't buy anything..

Going back to Jakarta tomorrow and I guess there'll be no more internet for quite a few days. I guess I just have to be patient! Darn, the roosters in this place crow at 1 am in the morning. Awesome.

I'll update when I get internet (:

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Now playing: Rivermaya - You'll Be Safe Here
via FoxyTunes

Boredom

Having nowhere to go except for trainings and nothing to do except for reading and clearing up all the remnants of my journey here. Game-playing is still restricted, which is expected, but it certainly doesn't feel right to be sitting two days in a row trying to find something to do at home when it's just within a week of the end of the big A.

Finished The Green Mile by Stephen King in 8 hours over the past two days, and it was awesome. Thank goodness for that mini book sale we saw at Kallang Leisure Park, it actually made me feel like reading again. Bought three books for $10 and voila. Now that I've finished a book I'm dying for something else to do, but I don't know what.

I should be trying to make myself useful I guess, with all these mess around in the house now. The tenant's going to renovate the flat and we need to move out in a bit. I don't know. About time I tried something useful..

Why, hasn't it always been the case of misplaced trust? Hmm. It's not right to push it. I guess I was trying to push it a bit.

Oh goodbye days my friend, so long.

Two weeks. Oh flying mother cow, two weeks are all I've got to GP.

On a brighter note.. Just a month till I'm done. Physics paper 1 can go to the dogs.

Mirror

Everyone's a hero, everyone's a star, and he nodded in silent agreement with Mr. Jon Bon Jovi as he sat at his desk trying to figure out what to do next. His desk's a mess, but somehow he'd always been able to find what he needed. Today, however, he didn't know what he needed. In fact, he didn't know what heroes did, or stars for that matter. They certainly do not sit at their desks with a sore neck and a wandering mind. All he knew was that heroes had to be decisive, and so he decided to do something.

A sweeping glance at his desk and he picks something out which seemed useful, and he indulged in a series of fundamental assessments that somehow gave him a sense of confidence that he felt was as false as the smile he wore on his face upon completion of the assessment. How could he, an epic failure in the subject, score close to full marks for a past examination paper? I try and I try, yet I can't seem to fly, and he began to wonder whether he really did try hard enough to fly. Did he deserve to fly? With that, A1 set him thinking. How he would use the remaining days to salvage the situation that until now was slipping through his fingers, pretty much like how the water he was drinking flowed down his throat without much obstacle.

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. He stared for a while at the lyrics floating through the luminescent screen of his computer, there will be an answer, let it be, and wondered where the Beatles found their inspiration. Why, if he was talented as such, he wouldn't even have had to enter the education system. Then, if everyone were as talented as the Beatles we wouldn't have the synchronized noise that youths today listen to. They say life is fair because it is unfair for everyone, but does it really matter if he could not accomplish what's expected of him? Just as he asked himself the question, the Beatles in all their wisdom replied: there will be an answer, let it be.

I'm lookin' back on things I've done, I never wanna play the same old part, but hey he's dying to play the same old part that he's played. Guy with considerably good results who had friends that he could rely on, well, at least while they were stuck in the same boat. It felt tons better than what he has at present, but he figures that he should be thankful for the present. After all he could have ended up totally friendless. He types a message to friends which read: You can save me from the man that I've become, and decided to delete it because it was a complete rip from Backstreet Boys.

I never want to play the games that people play, I never want to hear the things they've got to say. But how could he not? If he didn't,it would be him against the world. If its wrong to tell the truth, what am I supposed to do? He doesn't know, and he figures that he'll probably never figure it out, so he let the matter rest. I never wanted to live a lie, and he never wanted to feel so Blue or Guilty, but he couldn't help it, just like how he couldn't change the fact that he had his examinations coming in a bit.

His neck hurt bad, and it pulled him back into reality. His aunt said it'd last for a few days, and he can't help but feel this ominosity inside. He'd have to wake up early the next morning to listen to a speech he dreaded ever since he knew about it, and he'd have to figure out what he'd do the next day too. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. What now? It looks like they're here to stay...

He concludes that caffeine-induced insomnia isn't the way out if he's going to end up blogging interesting nonsense instead of GP essays.

Vice Presidential Debate Parody -

AWESOME.



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Now playing: Michael Learns To Rock - Breaking My Heart Again
via FoxyTunes

Determination

I'm not gonna sleep until I get my work DONE!!

Japan Game Show Funny Baseball

28-09-08

That was a hell of a good time. I'm not too sure I deserved it, but in the end..

F1 WAS THE BOMB. (pictures coming soon)

The Setting Sun

What happened to the promise we made? I remember where, and when, and why we made that promise to each other. It was just right there, at the bottom of the steps where we used to sit side by side every night without fail. The scene replayed itself in my head in a manner disturbingly similar to a broken television set. Details were blurred and distorted, with nothing in focus but our hands, locked tight in a grip which seemed unbreakable then. Then. A week which took years to pass me by. Then. A week which left me wondering if time did multiply for her; if I meant as much to her as she did to me.

I choose to believe that she was forced to leave, that she still loved me like she did that night a week ago. I could see it in her eyes when she said those words. How beautiful they were, eyes that shone with more grace than the shimmering moonlight; eyes that sparkled limitless radiance, oh how the stars paled in comparison. She gave colour to my world, she gave me the will to live. She gave me treasure beyond what can be found within the realms of this material world, even only for a fleeting moment in my life. Now it is gone, she is gone, how do I carry on a meaningless existence? How do I escape from a trap that I had set for myself?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

She walked as if she was floating, in from the park entrance where we first met. I could see her form approaching; white dress, flowing black hair and a smile that could tame the wildest of creatures. I can still hear the sound of her footsteps in my head, as soft as a whisper, yet she moved with uncanny swiftness while managing to appear as graceful as she could be- as graceful as any human being would ever be capable of. I remember the wonder I felt there and then, and each and every time I catch a glimpse of her. My heart would always miss a beat, or appear to, and I would either be reduced to gawking or severe stomach cramps.

She settled beside me, patting my back to aid my recovery process. My reaction always made her laugh, for she never believed that she was as beautiful as I saw her. By 'beautiful', I mean both inside and outside. She was always the first one to volunteer to help an old lady cross the street, the first one to give up a seat on the bus for a pregnant woman, or even when it comes to distributing food for the beggars in our residential area. She even set up a shelter for these beggars and their families, all for free. Personally, I had never believed that such a person existed until I met her.

"Better now?"

Her voice was softer than the gentle breeze in my face. I looked up at her. That brilliant smile.

"Yeah. Lots better. Geez.."

Another smile.

"You'd better learn to control that body of yours, you're going to get a stroke or something one of these days and I sure don't have the strength to carry you to the hospital.."

(Oh come on, you beat a gangster up on your own the other day. Your body must be like, 100% muscle and no fat.)

"Alright I'll try, girl, but it sure is no mean feat if you see what I see.. What's up since yesterday? Everything going good?"

I caught a glimpse of what looked like a trace of worry on her face.

"Nah, everything's good with me. The shelter's been vandalized though.. The rich kids next door must have done it.. Just wait till I catch them red-handed.."

She stopped and looked up at the sky. The low drone in which she spoke was uncharacteristic of her.

"I love the moon. If she was a human she'd be dead pretty."

"Not as pretty as you."

"Quit it."

"All hail the Princess."

She shrugged.

Silence.

"I wonder what the Earth will be like without the moon."

"One less competitor for you, girl."

"I said quit it, boy."

"Thy humble servant taketh thy order with joy, Princess."

"I wonder what'll happen if one day the Sun did not set."

"Girl, there's a balance for everything, see. There are guys, there are gonna be girls. There's good, there's bound to be evil. There's day, there's bound to be night, girl. No one's changing that."

"Well, I was just wondering.."

"Anyway girl, you're sure that's all that's bothering you? Because girl, your eyes are telling me a different story."

Those eyes looked straight into mine and she pulled me into an embrace. I almost died- it was the first time she ever gave me a hug.

"That's all. That's all. Just the shelter and the Sun. We've got nothing more to worry about, boy."

Her voice quivered slightly. Was she on the verge of tears? Thank God I found my voice.

"You sure, girl? Look, I'm here with you, I could help you out. Even if I can't do much, girl, we can work together and figure things out, okay?"

"Promise me, boy, promise me. You'll be there when I need you? You'll be there when I call, anytime, anywhere? Promise me you'll think of me when you see the stars up in the sky like they are now?"

"Do you love me, girl?"

She blushed, her cheeks were a shade of colour in the dark of the night.

"Yeah," she said as she loosened herself from the embrace and turned to hold my hand, "I love you more than anyone I've ever loved in my whole life, boy."

"Ditto, girl. Ditto."

She smiled again.

"I love you, boy."

"Promise me you'll stay close and always love me like you're loving me now, and I'll say yes."

-----------------------------------------------------

It seemed like the end of the world.

She was nowhere to be found; her "office", the shelter, the park, or even anywhere in the neighbourhood. All the people from the shelter assisted in the search, but no, she was nowhere to be found. The only trace of her departure was an envelope in the shelter "office" addressed to me, containing a watch with a Sun motif and enough money to keep the shelter going for years, and a note which read: "Had to leave. Don't know when I'll be back. Watch is for you. Money's for the poor, shelter's in your charge now boy, please run it well. Sorry." I was devastated, and apparently I wasn't the only one. She was well-liked by many, and of course highly respected by the people living in the shelter. The shelter was now devoid of any vibrancy, a stark constrast to the usual plethora of activity.

Why leave? Why now? Why me?

I could not take my mind off her. Every moment was filled with the emptiness that tags along with the sense of loss. The pain only got worse at night, when I look up and see the stars shining arrogantly in the sky, as if they had managed to get rid of the only beauty that surpassed theirs. The moon shone with a sinister glow, flooding the land with the painfully dim illumination. Seven nights have passed since her departure, but the pain had not yet subsided, nor had it lessened in any way. I could do nothing but stare at the watch and gather memories of her; her soft hair, her warm hands, her scent...

(If she loved me, she would have at least told me where she was going.)

"Promise me you'll stay close..." I muttered under my breath.

(If she loved me, she would have kept the promise she made.)

"Damn..."

(She has her reasons, boy, she has her reasons.)

"What would make her leave like that?.."

(If she had good reasons she would have told you, boy, or at least called you.)

"Come back, girl.. Please.."

(You know she won't. You know she won't.)

-----------------------------------------------------

It hurts.

The pain of leaving was beyond description.

I'm sorry for leaving you, boy.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I'll come back as soon as I can.

I don't know if I can go back.

I don't know if I can make it back alive.

I want to see you one more time before I lose my chance.

I love you, boy.

----------------------------------------------------------

She had not contacted anyone within the area.

I would walk out to the park every night and sit down where we used to sit, even in the rain. Exactly three hundred and sixty-five days have passed since she left, and the pain still remains somewhere within me. It grew unbearable at times, but I had to carry on running the shelter for her, in hopes that she might one day come back to run it again.

"One year's gone.."

I felt the emptiness welling up inside me.

"Hey man, get the rest to help out with dinner, won't you? I'm going to the park till late, so you guys carry on alright? I'll be fine."

"Aye aye, captain." The assistant replied with a chuckle.

I looked at my watch- the watch that she gave me- and let out a long sigh. 4pm. I guess I'll just stay in the park to watch the sunset. Somewhere inside me, I couldn't help but hope that she'd just come walking back with a grin and tell me that this was all a major joke to test my commitment to her, and that she was only taking a year-long break, impossible as it seems.

It was the longest wait in my entire life.

I sat there thinking about the past, about the present and about the future. What would I do if she did not come back today? Where will I be one year later? Would I be sitting here with the same wishes and hopes? Would the pain be gone? I didn't know the answer to any of these questions I asked myself...

-------------------------------------------------

It was the night when the Sun did not set.

(Impossible.)

"It's... 9pm."

("Well, I was just wondering..")

"The moon should have been up two hours ago.."

("I wonder what'll happen if one day the Sun did not set.")

"Why is the Sun in the same position as it was at 4pm?.."

("I wonder what the Earth will be like without the moon.")

"Is she coming back?.."

("I love you, boy.")

I could feel her nearby. She had to be nearby. I could smell her scent. I could feel her presence.

I ran as fast as I could, back to the shelter, and there she was; just that it wasn't what I wanted to see. Screams greeted me as my assistant tried to keep the people away from her.

"There... you... are..."

She was lying on the ground, scars all over her bare skin and hardly any life left in her.

I embraced her, and I could think of nothing then and there. Only to hold her tight and never let go.

"I'd... never thought... I... ugh... could... live... to see... this... day..."

I bawled like a kid.

(Please don't go, girl. No, not again. Don't leave me.)

"Sorry... I... had... to... go..."

(No, I won't let you go now. Not now.)

"I... love... you... boy..."

(I love you too. More than anyone I've ever loved in my whole life, girl.)

I held her as tight as I could, as if I could hold on to the life that was leaving her body.

----------------------------------------------------------

Been a while since I wrote anything, really. So I decided to take some time out for reader-satisficing (haha yh). I probably will begin blogging again. Ohwell. I realized that I love writing too much to give it up. Gee. If only I'm half as good at writing as I'm good at slacking.

Has everyone been alright? I've lost touch with a lot of people due to my absence from the online community, haven't been online for about two months now? Maybe more. I'd lost count of the days. I just stopped blogging and using MSN one day.

Alright, short message here, but I sincerely hope that everyone has been doing fine and coping well. Looking forward to get in touch with you all again (:

Personal Reminder

The end is ostensibly around the corner, yet the battle seems like it is going to last forever. They say this is it; this is all I've been working so hard for all these times, but it hardly seems like it's worth it. I know, however, that my perception is highly flawed. All these people, they've seen it all, haven't they? No harm can come out of putting up a good fight...

Even if fighting hard would cause me some hurt, it'll be better than hurting those who have expectations of me, wouldn't it? It will all be over soon, and unless I truly work hard to take out every single one of the enemy, one of them might come along and stab me in the back.

If it comes to that stage, it'd be too late for regrets.

Face to Face

It seems like I have run out of things to say, with the exception of rants about the superficiality that is so dominant within the boundaries of many friendships today. Countless experiences shared between people are peripheral and ephemeral, without any profound connections of the agreeable nature being established as time passes. What are the friendships of today based on? Without deviating from facts, other than those which technology has brought about, people of today are making friends for the same old reasons that people of the past century have.

You could be friends with someone who just happened to take the same bus with you to school; you could be friends with a stranger you met on the train whom you offered a seat to; you could even be friends with someone just because he sat next to you in the restaurant and started a conversation with you.

Maybe communications had a part to do with it, maybe technology has somehow removed the sociable aspect of humanity? Science has advanced technology in such a way that people can now be represented by a cocktail of pixels on a computer screen, even by a series of seemingly meaningless combinations of letters. Verbal conversations can now be reduced to mere prose, projected to even the very ends of the world through an intricately sculpted maze of cables, or even through electromagnetic waves in the air. You can now communicate with just about everyone in the world who has an internet connection or a cell phone. In a sense, if a number could be put to the degree of individual accessibility to the world, this number would probably have been multiplied by a hundred times or even more within the past decade or so.

Somehow, this superficiality that has its roots in the flaws of long-distance conversations have propagated into the real interpersonal conversations in everyday life. Words can scarcely be found between so-called "friends" of today when it is a face-to-face encounter, unlike a virtual encounter where words flow freely without any hinderance. Of course, few absolutes can be found today and it can be said for certain that this hypothesis does not hold true for everyone. It probably is that barrier that people today put up around themselves to ward off possible threats to their personal images, unlike the times when people were more trusting and truly friendly because they had nothing to lose by making an extra friend.

I'm just some guy trying to make sense of what is going on around him, and why certain things happen when they should not be happening. The coldness of certain encounters are really freaking me out.

Uncertainty

Talk about unspeakable issues. I can't help but feel the existence of that barrier that should never have existed at all. All that was a plethora of possibilities yesterday has become void, and I can't help but ask why. Ask who? I don't know. Myself, perhaps. What have I done to merit such ills? Have I not tried to be the best that I can be? The blame always has to go back to me, how I have influenced the situation and what I have done to salvage it, because it never is another person's fault, is it? Yeah I'm always the one who's lagging behind, the one who's not good enough, the one who's average at anything and everything, the one who is always to blame when things turn sour, or maybe the one to shun when you feel like it. So you're better, so I cannot give a proper answer to your question. That does not give you any right to step all over me. I will not stand being looked down upon as a person, because you have no right to insult another person who is standing right here in the same Earth that you live in.

To think that they'd taught students of today about human rights. Alright, enough of that.

I often wonder how I'd end up in the situation I'm in right now and how I'd become the person that I am today. Is it all planned, like in the case of predestination? My present contention is with the predestination camp. The idea of free will is only human, isn't it? We'd have no way of proving that our free will is absolute. Humanity might just be God's play, every single step taken already scripted at the beginning of time. We'd never know if the actors that we are could ever add improvisations to the script or even alter its course. The intangible Truth can never be absolutely apparent to us, for human perception is severely flawed. Maybe what I'm typing now is highly myopic in nature, but isn't that human nature, to be myopic? Most of our attempts to rid ourselves of this short-sightedness have been to no avail.

We fall down, we pull ourselves up, and there's bound to be another time when we fall down again. It all boils down to the unpredictable nature of life, but where is the line that separates the predictable and the unpredictable? When does the seemingly predictable crumble into the unpredictable? Life works in such a way that even the predictable might break down into the unpredictable anytime. Doctors could predict that I'm still going to live for a long time to come given my present health, but who's going to know if I am going to contract a terminal disease within the next year? Analysts may say that there will be no nuclear war because it is far too costly for any party to start one, but who's going to know if another megalomaniac like Hitler takes the stage? After all, Hitler was only here only about half a century ago.

Anything is possible, almost everything is uncertain, life is as such. The question we should be asking all the time should be "what's next?".

Past. Present. Future?

Here it comes again, here it comes again. The feeling that I'm not good enough and I never will live up to those aspirations. I fail time and again, and it leaves me wondering when I can ever right myself of these wrongs. It always is the case when it seems like I'm one mistake away from damnation, and I guess if all my hypotheses were right I'd be going to Hell hundreds, even thousands of times over for the mistakes that I could have prevented myself from making with sufficient self-control. That is the fact that troubles me most; that I could have done something to stop myself from committing these errors, but yet making those mistakes anyway.

It is said that humans learn from mistakes better than they ever learn from anything else, but why do people make the same mistakes over and over again? Why does a leopard never change its spots, even when mountains crumble and oceans dry up?

The root word of history would be the greek "historia", which means "learning by inquiry". Even with the thousands of years of human history that we have seen, and the scores of examples of the fall of Man to the temptations of sin, why do people of today still commit the same mistakes over and over again without even blinking an eye? Things are made worse by the fact that we are aggravating the human condition by propagating the undesirable; violence, lust, vanity and immorality are but a few of the rotten fruits of humanity today.

It seems that no amount of learning can rectify the flaws of humanity and its nature, and pessimists certainly have a good reason to predict a bleaker future than ever could be predicted. With the rise of individualistic ideologies in the world today through globalization, more and more people are taking things into their own hands; both on the micro and macro scale, in all aspects of human life as we know it today.

Increasing numbers of people today hold the belief that personal freedom comes with the power to influence their destiny, that they have the ability to affect change on the world they live in through the power of the mind alone. The world today is operated with money as the blood that runs through its veins, and we see the very high level of dependence that people place on their finances. People place emphasis on money, the very thing that can create rifts in matters of the heart and all else that truly matters. Priorities are often misplaced, and the problem seems set to extend its roots even further into our hearts. Christians, too, are faced with problems such as these.

We have lost focus. We have fallen prey to the disguised traps of the Evil One, and only one thing can save us.

The One who has saved us from the beginning.

Balance

I believe that balance is the sempiternal in this life; a permanent fixture which will never be abolished, lest the world comes to an end. As sure as there are righteous men alive in the world today, evil men do still exist; conflict coexists with peace within an intricate cocktail of circumstances. It is apparent that balance is omnipresent in all aspects of life, even within the realms of Physics, where matter even has its opposite: the antimatter. For every positive there has to be a negative just hiding around the corner, and it is such with human life.

We go through ups and downs, but in fact the good and the bad coexists in our lives. Positive or negative occurences are simultaneously inherent in our lives, leaving everything to a matter of perception. When we are going through more of a positive, the negative is diminished; when we are going through the negative, the positive is diminished. The equilibrium of this positive-negative function is the resultant emotion or degree of negativity in our life. How each and every person deals with it, however, is another issue. Logically, this should be where the theory of emotional quota is rooted from; how a person deals with circumstances in which the negative completely outweighs the simple positive occurences in life.

The above deduction might sound like a mechanical, maybe even emotionless derivation of an intricate aspect of human life, but I assure you that I am just a plain (and often emotional) person trying to make sense of his constant struggle against negative emotions. I'm happy at present, but I realized that even in happiness there still exists underlying negativities beyond the external self. As much as we (or maybe it is only I) dislike to admit, even in the worst of crises we can still find many positives. It is only a matter of perception, maybe one's emotional quota?

It will always be the case in which humanity is struggling to wipe out all the negavities, but with the definition of negative ranging so widely throughout communities and even families, there is only one and only one way to solve this. The way lies in the path less travelled.

Sine Qua Non

The quest has but only begun for me, and it is becoming apparent that the intensity of the present routines are seemingly insufficient to allow distinction, pun definitely intended. I begin to puzzle over the means through which I will be able to attain merit within the circumscribed amount of time which I have within my control at present, while others are ostensibly dashing their final lap of the race, much to my stupefaction and dismay. What can I do to salvage this wreck that I have seemingly arranged for myself?

The war is near its end, and it would take only the best strategian to be able to carry this perilous circumstance to a victorious conclusion. A hideous caterpillar into a stunning butterfly; a troglodyte into a man of distinction. I have the best strategian with me, but circumstances would only unravel favourably if I desire it as much as I work towards it. I see the way that the Guide is pointing me to, a desolate path filled with impediment, leading towards the Utopia. I have to find a way to induce the Flesh to take the path less travelled, away from the unobstructed path to self-destruction. Utopia or dystopia? The answer would lie in how I manage to handle my case and how I fight against my insidious wants.

I have been the culprit,
To my selfish needs.
Wash me in Your cleansing flow,
Take my hands and make it work,
For the goodness of Your love.
Wash me in unfailing mercy,
Take my life and let it shine,
For Your Kingdom's Glory fine.
I'm letting go,
Of false control.
Now all I know,
Your forgiveness and embrace.

Eternity

The world today is such that the faces of people change along with time, from what they hear and what they see, or even what they feel. It is of the highest probability that people do not even feel the change, or even realize it, and those who do realize it can do precious little to salvage themselves from the transformation. This transformation is something of a double-edged sword, albeit the fact that it may hurt others in subtle ways that may be unknown to the person. I would probably call it "involuntary offense", for the heart knows nothing of evil intentions, but actions prove otherwise. I choose to ignore the disguised attacks, speaking of it only here, for few will be able to perceive the complexity of the situation without my prompting.

It is with an uncertain heart that I continue with the sempiternal struggle for the desirable subtleties of this life. The mind knows no bounds, but ropes of weakness bind it mercilessly to the pillar of ambiguity; the spirit longs to be strong, but circumstances pin it down to the cold, hard floor. Dubiety undermines my potential, fears mock me, sins cut my soul like a knife.

I desire the realms of eternity, but how could I possibly attain it? For every single time I break the rule, it has not been the last time that I broke it. I have failed time and time again without exception, how do I stop myself from self-inflicted injuries? How do I stop myself from walking away from the gates to eternity?

The Chocolatey Scent of Guilt

It was great. Everything was great. I just had to ruin it for myself. It was all in the name of fun, wasn't it? How could I have reacted that way? I didn't even know what was happening, what I was doing. It's as if a monster had taken over. I feel so ashamed, to have failed time and again, and failing worse every single time.

I can still smell the scent of chocolate, reminding me of my failure, reminding me of the monster within, reminding me of the guilt I felt. I feel it now.

I'm sorry.

......

Stars

Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same
I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy, maybe I'm the chance of rain
Maybe I'm overcast, and maybe all my lucks washed down the drain
I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone, you look so lonely

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars,the stars, I feel like myself
Stars looking at our planet watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I've been thinking bout the meaning of resistance, of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home
I've been thinking bout everyone, everyone, you look so empty

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars,
I feel like myself
everyone, everyone, we feel so lonely
everyone, yeah everyone, we feel so empty
When I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I feel like myself
When I look at the stars, the stars,
I see someone...

----------------------------------------------------

I really feel like I could be hospitalized anytime. I don't know why my body produces such a reaction every single time I have to pitch in harsh conditions, especially yesterday. The repercussions have never been so severe before, and I'm wondering whether I'm having some kind of brain problem, because it really hurts so bad I couldn't even sleep properly last night. It seemed alright when I woke up this morning, but somehow it started again when I was on the bus, all the way till now. From 6.40am to 9.30am and counting. Severe headache.

Things seem disturbingly stagnant at the moment, and I'm wondering why it always has to revert to the same old worries and the same old problems that I should have conquered years ago.

They say the power of the mind knows no bounds. They say the limits of humankind can never be found. There's bound to be someone in this world who starts to push the boundaries, and that someone is, a human. A human just like you and me. If another human can do it, why can't we?

Why can't we be the change that we want to see?

Why do people speak endlessly of changing the world, but they barely ever speak of changing themselves?

----------------------------------------------------

I have failed countless times, fallen prey to the schemes of the Evil One, but is it all within His plan? Is human sin predetermined, so as to lead us to the right path? Is predestination a truth? I need a key to unravel this paradox. God knows all our thoughts, our actions, every single whim of the heart. If He knows our every thought, and if He knows everything that we're going to do and everything that is going to happen to us, would it not mean that all our sins and failures are within His plans for us?

Maybe I shouldn't be figuring this out.

Interesting reads:

For predestination
http://www.mslick.com/predestination.htm
http://www.mslick.com/allmen.htm
http://www.the-highway.com/articleAug02.html

Against predestination:
http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/thomas_paine/predestination.html
http://people.cis.ksu.edu/~bbp9857/calvinism.html

感恩

我有饭吃，有水喝，有书读，有琴弹，可真幸福呀。感谢神让我能看见，也感谢神让我能这么幸福，有一个美好的家庭。感谢神让我能在华初读书，给我机会能在新加坡鼎鼎有名的初级学院上课，也给我机会来证明神所赐给我的恩赐。

加油加油加油！

Home?

Home- Switchfoot

It's a long way from Miami to LA
It's a longer way from yesterday
To where I am today

It's a long way from my thoughts
To what I'll say
It's a long, long way from paradise
To where I am today

All that's in my head
Is in Your hands

It's a long way from
The moon up to the sun
It's a longer road ahead of me
The road that I've begun

Stop to think of all the
Time I've lost
Start to think of all the
Bridges that I've burned
That must be crossed

Over, over, over
Take me over

I've been poison
I've been rain
I've been fooled again

I've seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I'll see home

Home, home

I can see the stars
From way down here
But I can't fall asleep
Behind the wheel

It's a long way from the
Shadows in my cave
Up to Your reality to
Watch the sunlight taking over

Over, over, over
Take me over

I've been poison
I've been rain
I've been fooled again

I've seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I'll see home

Home, home

----------------------------------------------------

As much as I hate to, I think I'm falling again. It really is such a mystery, how a mere combination of characters projected on a computer screen can cause a human being to experience complex emotions.

Sometimes the outcome matters, sometimes it doesn't. When the outcome matters so much to you, but it seems like everything you've been working for has fallen apart, what do you do? The problem is, I can't do anything to salvage it, save praying. I'd been praying. Prayer is a powerful tool, yes it is. I want to be okay, just like anybody else, but you're not helping at all. It's as if you've put on a mask every single time I see you, and I'm supposed to pretend that everything's alright. I did that, yeah, but it just makes me feel worse. Maybe I'm the one with the mask. Maybe I was never meant to express myself. All I ever experience nowadays is people putting me down, either that or apathy. They were right. Who gives a shit about me anyway.

It blows when I fail to live up to expectations. It blows when my expectations can't go any lower. It blows when you feel like you're in a different world. It blows when you feel like a freakin' alien in a place you're supposed to call home. Forgive me for being so myopic, but I really feel like I can't hang on.

What is home?

Is it a place? Is it a group of people? Is it a refuge? Is it comfort? Is it warmth? Is it communication? Is it love? Is it looking out for each other? Is it a thought?

Or is it just a figment of my imagination?..

Failure.

So, even before getting even half of my results back, I am already feeling like a failure through and through.

I guess its another wake up call. Yeah, another. BT1 was bad enough, but I couldn't see an end to things then. God made me fail for a very good reason I guess.. There's no way I could have managed to ace my exams with that bit of serious work that I did. Everyone else worked hard through the holidays, and that is why I am the one with crap results.

My results at present just show that I have to work harder to achieve my target, and I'll be more than happy to do so. May God give me the strength to carry on and not falter..

Studying is just like running long-distance. The more you feel like stopping, the more you have to go on. All the way, all the way back home.

Monster

Redemption- Switchfoot

Four A.M., two hours to go
I'm wearing out a lonely glow
I miss you more than I could know
Here I am, here I am
Won't you get me....

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive

With my fist down at your feet
I was running out of mysteries
Insecure and incomplete, here I am, here I am,
won't you get me?

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive, alive, come alive

My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me, worn me out

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive

-----------------------------------------------------------

This can't be happening. What's happened to my life? Was I living a lie without even knowing it? Everything's gone now. Even those I'd thought I could trust. I don't know. She's standing right there right now, and I know she's just pretending she hasn't seen me at all. Why can't anyone understand my position? Was this what I sacrificed my time for, to become invisible in the eyes of others?...

-message saved to drafts-

------------------------------------------------

I turned around and saw him there, but he wasn't himself anymore. Yeah, he looked the same, as always. Those shining eyes, those dull clothes, unkempt hair; well, he's never looked any different, maybe except when he came along one day wearing a cap because he'd shaved for a cause (I couldn't remember what). Yeah, physically, he's there alright. But things are different now. In recent times, it feels like he's become some sort of... monster. Just by the way he's become so negative, the way he gets caught up in worldly things and the way he feels so far away.

The extent of his negativity, well, there are no words within the limits of my vocabulary that can sufficiently describe it. He'd been pestering me for months on end, getting me to listen to all his laments and worries. Most of our conversations end with him trying to change for the better, but well, I guess those promises he made to himself never worked out. I'd tried to be patient, I can't recall how many times I tried, but I know I tried. It bothered me so much.

He used to be such a nice guy to talk to; enthusiastic, insightful, thoughtful, kind. I could make a whole list. Knowing all that, though, I guess I didn't really talk to him much. Ever since our first conversation, he kept looking me up to chat, and it grew pretty annoying after some time. I'd tried to be nice and enthusiastic because I didn't want to disappoint him, but gosh, those conversations kept coming at the worst possible times. I guess I could have dealt with things better, but hey, I'd apologized to him many times about it. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

"Life's never going to give you lemonade dude, you've gotta squeeze them lemons yourself", I said under my breath as I turned my back on him to find another seat. He was looking in my direction while his fingers typed endlessly on his cell. Whatever, I'd probably feel better if I consume my food without having to avoid his helpless gaze. It was such a burden he placed on my shoulders.

I saw a glitter of something streaking across his face as I turned.

-----------------------------------------------------------

All I'd wanted was just someone who'd treat me like a real friend. Someone who'd freakin' treat me like a good friend, damnit. Yeah, they've got all their friends to worry about, because their friends are fun to be with. Their friends make them feel like everything is alright. I've never felt that kind of shit. YES SHIT DAMNIT. What kind of life am I living? I feel like I'm in a deep abyss right now. No one's making any effort to pull me out of it damnit what the hell are FRIENDS? People who see through you? Yeah now she goes away. Perfect. Sometimes I wonder if I really exist. WHAT THE HELL? Tears? I didn't even know I could still... cry. What in the world is wrong with me?...

-message saved to drafts-

------------------------------------------------------------

It really felt a lot better to eat without someone constantly trying to catch your eye. Can't he grow out of it? He's got to be more independent! Come on, look at him. All grown up, but unable to handle himself. What a pity. Hmm. Maybe he's got clinical depression. I should tell my friends about him, those smart alecs would probably know what he's suffering from.

I giggled to myself at the thought of Paul spouting a list of insane possibilities in reply to my question, while the others would cut in with their own freaky answers. These friends of mine are dead precious. Thank God I have these friends whom I could rely on... They've never failed to make me laugh, or cheer me up. I don't know why but I suddenly had the urge to look back at him, which I did.

It was tears, wasn't it? He's got his face buried in his hands now, bawling silently over his soup. What a pitiful sight. If only he'd known friends like mine. Maybe he'd be different. Oh well, no point worrying about that depressed lump over at the table, I'm late for my movie!

------------------------------------------------------

It felt quite good to cry, somehow. At least I still can feel emotions. I loved her as a friend, and sometimes I am just so afraid that my emotions are dead, that I am but an empty shell, merely existing but not really living.. So I'm alive, what now?.. I've got nowhere to go, nothing to do, except wait for someone to save me. They say love will find a way, don't they? You know what, maybe I'm stressed out. Yeah, I'm probably stressed out. I'll go watch a movie right now..

-message saved to drafts-

------------------------------------------------------

It was midnight.

They wanted to sneak into the cinema, all five of us, so we could have enough money for a good supper after the movie.

It was, of course, Paul's idea. He'd done it before, and he reckons it was a hell lot easier for him to sneak into the cinema compared to entering the guys' toilet. I knew it sounded pretty... fishy. There was just something wrong about not paying to enjoy something. It'd be exciting though.. I thought for a moment before I made a decision, but as I was deep in thought... I saw him again, through the corner of my eye. Damn! What, is he stalking me now? He's definitely going to be the guy to ruin my day. Such a jinx!

Anyway, I decided it wasn't right to sneak in, and I told my friends about it. The response I got was totally unexpected; they fell to the ground laughing. They weren't laughing because I'd made a joke, no, they were laughing AT me. Like I was the joke.

"OH SO NOW GOODY TWO-SHOES IS GOING TO RUIN OUR PLAN FOR THE NIGHT?" Paul hollered while I remained silent, still very taken aback by their reaction. They'd started making jokes up about my mother when he came along.

---------------------------------------------------------

Damn, why the hell do I keep seeing her around? hfdeu238fyi3euohjekdhawbhkfbr

-message saved to drafts-

---------------------------------------------------------

"HEY! HEY! RUN, DAMNIT, RUN! QUICKLY", he shouted as he approached, "COME ON!"

Sensing that something was wrong, my friends gradually shut up and started looking warily around. Paul's face turned a deathly white as he started scrambling away. My other friends followed suit, while I stood rooted to the ground and looking around in confusion, not knowing what was happening.

Then I saw them.

Four huge men were approaching, each carrying a different weapon, and staring mercilessly at me. For the first time in my life, I felt alone, staring Death in the face. Not for long though, as he reached my side, pushing me away.

"RUN! QUICK!" He shouted as he charged towards the thugs.

Those shining eyes, those dull clothes and unkempt hair. I could not find the strength to move my feet, much less run, and by the time I managed to find the ability to move my feet, I chose to heed his advice to turn around and run away. Surely his reckless charge was only a decoy? He wouldn't be so foolish as to take them head-on, would he?

I saw a glitter of something streaking across his form as I turned.

My heart skipped a beat. I didn't look, I couldn't look. I ran round the corner and hid behind the bushes, tears running endlessly down my cheeks, trying to control the uncontrollable sobs. Screams, terrible, deathly screams. I could hear them from where I was.

By the time they walked past the bush, it was fifteen minutes later, an eternity.

"We didn't kill him, did we, boys?"
"Not too sure dude, but we sure beat the hell outta him."
"Yeah man, awesome whackin' down there. I can't wait to get my hands on that Paul dude though."
"Bloody brat owes me a fortune for that stock of drugs, damn. I'll make sure he gets it."

I made sure they were gone before I moved out of my hiding place. Paul, a drug dealer? The reality struck me hard, but I had to get to him. He'd better be alive, or I'd never forgive myself for running away like a freaking coward.

It was a grisly sight, but he was still breathing. Apparently the thugs had traded their weapons for knuckles, for they were fighting only a single, unarmed man. Thank goodness. He's still alive. There is hope. I saw his phone lying nearby and called for an ambulance, and then I knelt there and prayed.

Right now, he looked like a monster. Shining eyes replaced by swollen ones, dull clothes torn and tattered, unkempt hair pulled off his scalp by clumps. But I've never felt him so.. eerily beautiful. He was someone who risked his life to save me, and he was right here in front of me, closer to death with every passing second.

I held him in my arms for the longest time as I cried, and yet help had not yet arrived within twenty minutes now. Time was running out, and I was about to give up all hope when he stirred in my arms.

Those shining eyes shone again.

"Hey." He said as he tried to curl his swollen lips into a smile.

A tear dropped from my face and onto his. I stared into those beautiful eyes for a moment, and only for a moment, that last time his eyes ever shone.

It was only days later that his mother approached me and passed me his cell.

"I think you'd want to see this. He loved you, girl. He loved you so."

Who's the monster now?

whee

Heaven and earth here and now.

Wonder how to feel that when I'm fainting from all the physics.

Don't Be There- Switchfoot

Don't be there
'Cause I'm on my way

And I'm already gone over
And I'm on my way

And I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself

I'm down here
And you're way up there

But that doesn't hurt badly
But it stings right here

And I won't pretend there's
Nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square

If you're a rose
Then I'm the thorn
That's in your side

And does it hurt badly
'Cause it burns right here

I'd like to say hello
I'd like to say I care
I'd like to let you know
That nothing here's the same with me
Nothing here's the same

Don't be around
Don't be there

Support

Today's FF mentioned the Church, the fact that it is not the building, but the gathering of believers as a family united by one thing which is God. The Church is there to, support you. The family is there to constantly remind you that your imperfections do not matter.

I was feeling a bit. Weird. Yeah I felt quite weird when it was mentioned as such because I've never felt that church was, family-ish. Treat everyone like your own biological brothers and sisters, I learnt. We're all friends in church, yes, but for me in church it has never felt like it's gone beyond the level of 'good friends', much less brothers and sisters?

I don't know. Maybe I've been severely disillusioned all these while.

It has been a very taxing week for me physically and mentally. Long study hours, uncertainty in facing the exams, inability to rest effectively... The list of things that add to the 'challenges' list just keeps piling on. God, I can't do this on my own. People, I can't do this on my own.

Jo, you're too weak to do all this yourself.

P.S. Anyway thanks to those who've talked to me, or sent me messages and all. I bet you don't know how awesome it feels to get a bit of encouragement when you're dying at the study table. Thanks again.

o.o

'Damian ๏̯͡๏) thats it, im going crazy. says:
white nigger
'Damian ๏̯͡๏) thats it, im going crazy. says:
huang fei hong damn nice
[07]__ショ! doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs says:
huang fei hong is a white nigger?!
[07]__ショ! doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs says:
i thought he's yellow

woohoo holiday lalala

I haven't figured out much, but I think I'm losing focus somehow. I'll have to buck up!

Anyway, the past several days have been spent studying and online. Mostly Mathematics, because that is the only subject which I think I really have a chance to improve in. I'm having long hours of math tuition and revision, the results better show...

I officially haven't touched Physics and Economics. Woohoo the future is looking SO bright.

Sincerity is my best policy. I'll be that ever-obliging dude. Won't matter if you take advantage of me. If you want to do so, do it, because you'll feel guilty for it if you've got a heart. If you feel guilty, well, at least you've got more than a glimmer of hope. The first will be the last.

To become the greatest you have to be the slave of all.

back and hopefully on track

Second day back but I have yet to get proper sleep due to certain commitments. This is really taking a lot out of me. I should sleep properly tonight before I go about starting my new week..

Anyway, the mission trip was a really awesome trade-off for the one week of study time. Well worth it, for it was beautiful. Yeah, beautiful is one of the precious few words that I know which applies in description of the trip. I don't know how to put things into words, and especially when faced with such an experience, I really cannot find any words to adequately describe it. Let's just say that if you haven't seen what I have seen, or felt what I have felt on my week away, you will probably not be able to understand the way I feel now. Even if I'm telling you about my trip and all, please. I have already stated above that I do not know how to put things into words, so what you hear will only be a teeny weeny fraction of what I went through. I don't know if it's good or bad, to have experienced something that so few have experienced.

During FF yesterday, I tried sharing my feelings with Joel during the prayer time and I couldn't really describe the way I felt there and then. At that time, too, looking at everyone praying and all, something inside me wished so hard that everyone could have seen what I have seen and felt what I have felt. It feels like such a huge responsibility, for God to have shown me the things as such and sending me back here to a group of people who have seen but have not felt. What is it that I must do with my life, to be able to make others feel the sincerity and the purity of God's love?

God's love is what is shown through the lives of the elders in Batam; God's love is what keeps the Christians in Pulau Lingka from the temptation of a better life, at the price of a simple conversion in religion; God's love is what keeps the believers believing, and it is what makes the believer want to share it with the ones they love so much; God's love is the panacea for all ailments, whether one is on the brink of death, or whether it is just another physical discomfort; God's love is what built the education centre and school in Pekanbaru, and I see it as similar to watching a river pour out from a wasteland; God's love is what sent my Dad for church-planting, and it is what kept him going on for years upon years, thousands upon thousands of kilometers traveled through countless dangers; God's love is what drove us through His lands, and brought us back safe and sound; God's love is the reason why we spur each other on to greater heights.

For those who have asked, I have answered, "Everything is the same, but everything is different now. Singapore is still the way I left it one week ago. The people are the same, the living environment is the same, every little detail is the same, but things just feel so different now."

I very much cannot describe the difference that I feel. Maybe I will type it down once I figure it out.. Anyway the next paragraph might seem random to some, and a sensitive topic, but it is something that's troubling me.

My belief: women shouldn't be wearing revealing clothes. All the short shorts, miniskirts, whatever you can think of. What is it for anyway? To attract attention? To want others to think of them as pretty? What does it matter what other people think of you anyway? It is a point that appeared very prominently to me after I got back from the trip, because where I've been to, the women don't dress that way. I'd thought it before, that materialism and self-image is playing far too prominent a role in the lives of people today, but it really is bugging me right now, that it appears like some women just cannot stand it if they don't lead the guys to sin. Imagine the temptation that a teenager with raging hormones walks down Orchard Road faces. It might well be what leads him into a lifetime of sin. Who knows? From my point of view, this is the propagation of materialism in the lives of people.

Brothers, it is a constant temptation to sin every single time you walk out of the house and into the world (especially when you go to town), but fight it and fight hard. Train yourself to look away, and think of better things like Jesus. It is a very real challenge that we Christians face in the world today, with the emphasis on freedom of the individual. I just have one last quote, from Dad.

"Faith is the internal factor, so strengthen the internal and you'll be able to cope with the external."

The world works in such a way to mislead us Christians from God. Do not for once accept that the status quo of society is acceptable in God's eyes. Like gaming, internet and pop culture. It doesn't mean that, hey, if everyone does it, it is alright for me to do it. For things like gaming and internet, well, a bit is fine. Excessive indulgence in these worldly things will only pull you away from God though, and watch the kinds of games you play. I played a certain game that I will not name (due to fear of a defamation suit being directed at me, which I do not have the financial resources for. I can only say that it involves lots of crime and all), and I totally totally hate myself for having indulged in such a sinful creation of Man.

At least I know I am forgiven.

Anyway, I shall be ending here, I just found out <---(yes that is a hyperlink) that 6pm is the best time to be running. A more elaborate account of my trip shall be posted soon, when studies are less of a worry.

Adios, people.

Day 6

Okay hey no story for this post, that's as far as I got with that storyline. I know I can develop it further, but well, I haven't. Haha. Ideally it would have been a full adventure, you-kick-my-ass-I-kick-yours kind, and in the end the dude saves the damsel in distress and stuff, BUT WITH A TWIST AT THE END. I have it in my head but gee, when will I ever get to use it?

Scheduled posts are awesome gee I can act as if I'm in Singapore when I'm not.

Anyway, just for all you soccer fans, EURO 2008 is free-to-air in Indonesia. HA! I swear Indonesian tv rocks. So much more originality and creativity in it too.

Okay so it's near the end of my trip now, and I guess it has to be a really enriching experience, one week out in the name of God. I do hope I'm a changed person by the time this post is published! Then I'll come back and be the salt and the light that God wants me to be (:

One thing for sure though, I MISS SINGAPORE D: okay lah I don't miss Singapore that much. I miss the people. Ha. Anyway I'm coming back tomorrow so I'll be updating tomorrow YAY no more scheduled posting!

TAKE CARE PEOPLE MUG HARD

Story! part 3

Tracy saw Travis' autistic brother pull off a nearly-impossible flip in closed quarters at his entirely incoherent command, effectively disposing the threat caused by the advancing thug. She gasped in awe, in spite of the situation at hand, and wondered whether she would ever be able to execute a decent flip in her lifetime.

"Wow." The old lady hiding behind her blurted.

Tracy never had a chance to contemplate the possibility of her being sufficiently athletically-inclined to ever perform a standing flip within her lifespan. A sudden movement by the second thug grabbed Tracy's attention; he had raised his .38 and was preparing himself to shoot Travis' autistic brother. All fear and apprehension forgotten, Tracy rushed the thug from behind.

What if I don't make it in time? What if he shot me instead? Scores upon scores of what-ifs came to mind as she charged towards the thug, but these thoughts faded away as rapidly as they came.

Five steps away. She saw Travis' autistic brother staring blankly at the gun-wielding thug, arms held loosely at his sides, as if the gun posed no more danger to him than a slice of tasty cake.

Four steps away. The thug was taking aim, which was really unnecessary. It was a point blank shot, and not even a frail grandmother no more used to wielding a gun than a Playstation controller would have been able to miss the shot.

Three steps away. She heard the old woman behind her saying "Oh dear." and the cashier taking up the phone to call the police.

Two steps away. The gunman fired.

The bullet did not hit its intended target. Tracy gasped as the bullet hit Travis in the chest. Yes, she knew Travis. They were schoolmates at the local college once, and Tracy had once had a severe crush on Travis. Tall, kind, handsome, athletic and intelligent, Travis was the ideal guy back then in college. Now he looked no different, no less charming compared to his college days, only that he had a bullet wound on his chest.

Stunned by the shock but also unable to stop her reckless charge due to the sheer momentum of her progress, she crashed the gunman at full speed, sending the both of them into a shelf full of condiments. Fortunately for Tracy, the crash had sent the .38 flying to the other end of the shop, out of reach from both thugs. Now she had to deal with the thug hand-to-hand; a middle-aged, stout man against one pissed woman. Tracy kicked the thug once in the gut, taking advantage of the shock rendered to the man by the crash. Twice. She would have disposed of the thug entirely if he had not resorted to throwing bottles at her. Now the situation was reversed, and the hunter became the hunted. Tracy was hit many times under a barrage of cans and bottles. Retreating and covering her face with her hands, she stepped back hurriedly only to find herself at the other corner of the store, retreat blocked by a wall of candies. She glanced at Travis, then at Travis' autistic brother, at the same time wincing with pain as bottles and cans struck her everywhere.

I missed you, Travis. She thought as she fell to her knees to make herself a smaller target.

By the time the thug ran out of ammunition and the shower of mustard and ketchup relented, she was lying unconscious in a pool of sauce.

The thug, victorious, climbed to his feet in triumph and gave Tracy a look of disgust, after which he proceeded to empty the cash register into his rucksack. Sensing, feeling, knowing that nothing else in the store posed as a danger to him now, the thug turned around and took a glancing blow in the face.

"Ouch." The cashier blurted.

The old woman had struck the thug's head with the butt of the .38, effectively disposing of him.

Shocked by what she had done and also by the grisly, bloody scene in the store, (mostly ketchup and chili sauce), the old woman crumpled to her knees and fainted.

Story! part 2

Travis was awakened by the sound of Lenny whimpering like a lost dog.

"Lenny full. Cake. Travis help." Lenny had noticed Travis entering the room. Still surprised to hear Lenny looking him in the eye and speaking to him, Travis rubbed his eyes and slapped himself twice, once on each cheek. The pain was real, so he was not dreaming. Eager to not disappoint his brother and hoping to draw a conversation out of him, Travis hurried to the kitchen to get a slice of chocolate cake and a cup of water.

Lenny wolfed the cake down and asked for more (Less! Less!), but there was no more cake in the kitchen. Remembering the new advertisements made by 7-eleven, which had started selling cakes recently, Travis exclaimed "CAKE!" in glee and he sounded uncannily like Lenny. Not good. Travis then pulled the covers off Lenny and told him to follow.

"Cake here, Len. Come, follow."
"Come, follow." Lenny replied with a blank expression.
"Follow me to get cake, Len. Cake, me. Walk, cake."

In Lennyland, apparently, the opposite of walk was crawl. Lenny dropped to his knees and waited at Travis' foot. He'd forgotten.

"Stand!"

Lenny stood up and did a handstand, which surprised Travis so much that he nearly fell over with shock. Lenny's definition of words changed on a regular basis, and coherence was certainly not a way of life in Lennyland.

"Sit! Crawl!"

Lenny performed a flip with the gracefulness of a ballerina, landed firmly on his feet and started walking. If Lenny was one thing, he was highly obedient to his brother when he was responsive. Wordplay tackled, Travis started out of the house and towards 7-eleven, coaxing Lenny to follow him with mutters of "Crawl slow get cake".

--------------------------------------------------------

Tracy was still thinking about why things went all haywire on stage.

Finding no answer and suddenly reminded by the growling in her stomach that she had not eaten dinner due to the fear of regurgitating on stage, Tracy felt hungrier than ever. A quick search of the kitchen, however, revealed that the house was having a severe shortage of snacks.

7-eleven seemed like the only place in which she could satiate her hunger at this hour.

"Damn, I could eat a cow. Wish I could have some barbecued meat from that fat woman with the evil laugh in the third row though."

---------------------------------------------------------

Travis entered the 7-eleven, which was unusually crowded at 3 a.m. in the morning. There were two men shifting through the beer collection, an elderly woman walking aimlessly around the store, and an attractive but glum-looking young woman with blonde hair who was evidently starving, as she was carrying large boxes of crackers and a box of cake to the counter.

"Cake." Lenny drooled.
"Cake. Wait here. Stay. I mean, go!" Lenny stood motionless in response to this command, staring into the shelves.

The young woman was curiously staring at him. Travis nodded at her curtly, which drew a brilliant smile from her.

"Sorry if we're bothering you Miss, but my brother's autistic. He's largely incoherent most of the time." Travis said in a mild, apologetic tone.

Much to his surprise (and dismay), Lenny repeated after him.

"Sorry if we're bothering you Miss, but my brother's autistic. He's largely incoherent most of the time."

This unexpected response from Lenny drew much laughter in the store. Everyone had been listening in on their conversation. The mirth, although soothing the dreary winter night, did not last long. The two men drew revolvers from their coat pockets and shouted wildly, gesturing at the cashier to empty the register into a bag.

"SHUT UP AND NO TRYING TO CALL THE POLICE!" The thug shouted.
"SHUT UP!" Lenny shouted in response. Big trouble.
"Who do you think you are, kid? Shut the hell up!" Apparently the thug thought the 'autistic' part was just a joke, or that he did not have any consideration for people with mental differences. He was probably both of the cases listed above.
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Lenny echoed.
"I'm gonna rip yer guts out if you don't shut up!"
"SHUT UP!"

Travis watched with horror as the thug aimed a kick at Lenny, who was standing at the doorway, blocking the exit of the thugs.

"SIT, LENNY. SIT!" Travis shouted, remembering what the command had done just moments ago.

"Sit." Lenny said as he wheeled into the air like a seasoned acrobat, booting the thug in the face as he did so. The thug immediately fell, groaning in pain and cursing like a sailor, holding his face in his hands. Travis swore that if Lenny had learnt this colourful language and used it even once, he would rip the guts out of this thug which had corrupted Lenny vocabulary with those profanities.

"Wow." The old lady gaped at Lenny in awe.

Then Travis noticed the other thug, gun raised, ready to dispose of the autistic acrobat. Everything seemed to slow down at that moment, and Travis saw the thug pulling the trigger even as he jumped in front of Lenny to shield him from the deadly bullet. He saw the expression of fear and frustration on the gunman's face. He saw the shocked expressions of the old lady and the young woman. He saw the bullet twist and turn. He saw the bullet going into his chest, creating a bloody hole. Feeling no pain but knocked over by the impact, his vision blurred. The last thing he saw was Lenny's face, blurred, but he swore he could see tears falling from Lenny's eyes.

I love you, buddy.

He blacked out.

*end of part 2*

Story! part 1

The night sky never looked that depressing to Travis Burns. In fact it had never even looked the slightest bit of bleak before that, never even suggested melancholy, heck, it sometimes even looked happier than the days which preceded it. Now the moon hung in the sky, looking much less happy than it looked ominous. Travis believed strongly- almost to the point of obsession- that his mind was the ultimate stronghold against the cares and woes of the world, that the power of positive thinking could take him out of every predicament he faced. Now this belief was gradually fading away from him, and he did not know the reason why.

"Day is cold. Lenny needs snow." A dismal voice came to Travis from somewhere outside the room.

Lenny was Travis' brother. A good-natured, movie-loving and highly intellectual person capable of regurgitating the contents of a large portion of an encyclopaedia, but nonetheless as unique as a brother could get. Lenny was autistic, living in his own world most of the time- Lennyland, as Travis called it, where the whole human race (numbering only one, to be precise) ate only wheat and dairy products and brushed their teeth at least five times a day, ten minutes each- and living in evasion of the 'real' world. Although Lenny was capable of verbal communication, he rarely utilised that gift. On any normal day, an attempt to start a conversation with Tom would be as fruitless as trying to find snow in the Sahara desert, for Lenny only was slightly more responsive than a rock at his best. Travis himself had only heard Lenny actually speaking to him, not at him, less than ten times in the span of ten years. Travis was not the only person who could care for Lenny, but he was the only person in the whole world (other than charities filled with benevolent volunteers) who would take care of Lenny since their parents' deaths.

Every single day was a challenge when you had an autistic brother, but Travis had relied, utilised, and survived on the strength of positive thinking. He loved Lenny more than anything in the world, and although many have laughed at him, scorned him, advised him to place Lenny in a 'first-class facility', he had loved Lenny even more with each passing day. The power of positive thinking.

Travis loved his brother too much to let him suffer in the oh-so-damaging chill of the winter, and he hurriedly shook himself off the couch to tend to his brother. It took no more than ten seconds to find Lenny, who was sitting on his bed and staring at the ceiling, as though there was something there which was more of an interest than a blank piece of paper. As Travis entered the room, Lenny suddenly burst into a rapid, slurred speech.

"Cold, very cold. Freezing. Terrible cold. Lenny wants snow."

Travis had had enough of Lenny's incoherent speech to be able to know what he was trying to say. Well, sometimes Lenny spoke in opposites, and in this case "cold" meant "hot". "Snow" was just Lenny's word for "air-conditioner". It did not take a genius to figure this particular wordplay though, because Lenny was dressed as if he was part of a research crew in the realms of Antartica when the night was not cold enough to even freeze a puddle of water, let alone a man. Lenny, however, resisted all of Travis' persistent efforts to remove his winter gear ("HOT! HOT!") and trashed with all his might, kicking Travis a few times in the struggle. Just when Travis was about to give up, Lenny stopped trashing and fell into a deep slumber with a peaceful expression on his face, showing no signs of awareness of the struggle just seconds ago.

Sighing with relief, Travis removed the winter gear and replaced them with a blanket, saying a prayer and silently wishing for a miracle.

-----------------------------------------------------

Tracy Dunn could not imagine a bigger failure than being booed by a crowd on her first performance, and she certainly could not take the blow when it actually happened. Fortunately for her, she had enough grit in her to be able to leave the stage in a manner by which she thought graceful before breaking down backstage. Everyone said that life was unfair, everyone said that it was a tough career, but she never knew that it could be that tough.

She never knew it could be such a bitch.

That night, she could not sleep, and it was nothing to do with the mild winter temperatures. As far as she could remember, she had always wanted to be a comedian. She had grown up in a family full of tender loving care, and she wanted to share the gift of laughter to those who have not been as lucky as her. She wanted to brighten up their lives by making them laugh, and she wanted to touch their lives. Her humour was- at least it was supposed to be- full of meaning, giving the average person not only ephemeral laughter, but also food for thought. Apparently thought had no longer played a part in people's lives, for they had mercilessly cut her down with their vicious strokes of insult for trying to help them.

Life is such a bitch sometimes, she thought. Cares and woes roam the Earth, but the door of hope was always there as an escape. Now Life was kind enough to slam that door on Tracy's face.

At least I still have windows to look for.

Tracy lay down on her bed, dream shattered, and continued brooding over the night's failure. She thought of how she would survive the next day without hope to push her on, and she wondered what kind of windows she would find, whether they had locks on it or not.


*end of part 1*

Day 2

KPC people, you guys leaving for Malacca today right? Hey, enjoy the camp! People like, cough, me. Want to go also no chance. Haha. Anyway, it's my second day away from Singapore and I bet all hopes of my nuffnang cost per unique visitor feature is down the drain. Getting constantly more than 20 readers a day is difficult like mad! I could use a poisson distribution to approximate the probability of getting at least 20 people a day 1-P(X<20) but oh what the heck.

You must be wondering why I'm so off track with this post. Ohwell it's 3am now typing this message a few days ago from when you're reading this. Sleepy and definitely hungry. Bad combo. A hungry man is an angry man. So he blogs. Woohoo.

I'm dead sleepy now, but somehow something keeps me up. Maybe because of the songs I'm listening to HA Switchfoot o.O Anyway thanks Lameia for the song dedication on 98.7 the other day! HAHA YOU DIDN'T SOUND LAUGHABLE LAH.

Anyway, with a sprained ankle I don't think I'll be able to exercise much, even when I get back from the mission trip D: which means that I'll be growing fat and all within the next week or so. Hurrah!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL! HOPE MY TRIP IS GOING WELL LOL TOMORROW WE'RE TAKING PLANE TO PEKANBARU!! YES I CAN MEET MY COUSINS THERE.

Oh, and I wrote a story! Well, part of it anyway. This was part of a "thriller" I was writing, and I was hoping I'd make it a book, but I haven't been able to keep writing due to time commitments. Hope you guys like it I'll publish it in bits from tomorrow on!

Leaving

So today is the day I left for Indonesia with the team from Spiritual Grace Presbyterian Church for the mission/evangelical trip. We're probably be safe and sound in Batam by the time you read this post, HOPEFULLY. Pray for all of us, for God to bless us with a safe trip there and back on the 13th. To Batam, well, it's by ferry from the Singapore Cruise Centre and about an hour and a half tops across a small bit of the sea.

At this point of time when I'm typing this post, at 2.30am of Friday June the 6th, lethargic and all, I can't help but look forward to the coming experience. I'm wondering why I'm looking forward to the trip so much. Maybe because it's my first time going on such a trip. Maybe because I won't be studying much. Maybe because I'll be making new friends. Maybe it's just an escape from my problems at the moment. Maybe it's consolation for not being able to go for church camp. Whatever it is, I'm on it and I'm going to make the best out of it. I trust that God will guide the group!

We will be in Batam for two days before we leave for Pekanbaru for the inland trip. I don't know what we're doing yet, but I'm sure there's always something useful to do. If there's really nothing to do, I could go running, play guitar, read GP (D:) etc. Nothing to worry about! Also, I'm sure that the experience will be a life-changing one. Maybe I'll come back with new perspectives, and hopefully a reduction in skin thickness. Gee. I desperately need a shift in point of view, and what Zham was telling me the other day, about the true nature of things or whatever zen-ish stuff, it really is quite true. When you look at it the right way, your problems now could be helping you in the long run.

That's about it, come again tomorrow! I'll have another post published on time everyday at 9am.

BYE SINGAPORE I'LL BE BACK IN A WEEK! AND FRIENDS, I'LL MISS YOU GUYS D:

Anyway, check this out. Thanks to YH I'm hooked.

Wow. Packing feels pretty good.

Just went down to collect the mail, and hey I noticed. The air at midnight has this subtle yet distinct scent.

Pleasant.

Right.

So today I tried learning vectors, which Damian quoted as "very easy" for him. D: If only I was tested on stuff that I have a bit of aptitude on, like softball, maybe I could be doing pretty well for my exams. For now, though, I'm just hitting all the batters who stand in my way. HA.

Anyway, went to watch Prince Caspian today and it was pretty okay. Battle scenes could have been better but I guess since the intended audience = children, they're already showing too much violence. Big deal though, as if the kids won't see violence anywhere else. The plot had many flaws in it, just too many inherent flaws, but the producers did a pretty good job by actually pulling it off.

$6+$2.70+$1.50+$1.10+$2= $13.30

OMG.

Anyway, while I'm away for the mission/evangelical trip from 7th to 13th, my blog will still RUN. I'll have a scheduled update EVERY SINGLE DAY (I hope) haha so KEEP CHECKING!

Ciaos people!

Love, is giving others the power to hurt you, and trusting them not to.

Living Is Simple

Today was a pretty good day, hey. Met up with Yuan Hong to study and it happened that Toh Ming Xuan and Eddie Ang could come too. Its been ages since I last saw them, much less talk to them. Ha. Edmund Teo and You Jin came along too not long after. That was what I freakin' missed so much about secondary school; the people who you can relate to and feel comfortable doing what you like. Damn it felt good to have them around.

I studied an acceptable amount, given my 4-day hiatus over the weekend and yesterday. It's just that I haven't really got the hang of all the variance stuff. More practise needed. Anyway I'm going to start running again tonight, after buying all the stuff I need to hang on while Mum's away. Wonder where I should run.

Life's alright, only when I don't think about things. I guess it's a skill I need to learn. I shouldn't let others affect me. Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy once said, "If you want to be happy, be." Wow. He makes it sound so simple, and at the same time he makes me wonder whether it really is that easy to be happy.

Is it that simple?

Maybe it is, maybe not. It's pretty difficult for me to evaluate. I know the key to true happiness, and it's God. Key's lying right there on the table. All I have to do is pick it up and open the door...

-----------------------------------

Living Is Simple - Switchfoot

Living is simple
It's gravity
Gravity isn't so hard
Living is simple
it's entropy
Entropy, falling apart
I'm falling apart again

Living is simple
And breathing is easy
it's easy to do
Living is simple
And losing is easy
I'm losing my cool
I'm losing my cool again

All will be made well
Will be made well
Will be made well
Will be well

Is this fiction?
Is this fiction?
Hope has given himself to the world
Is this fiction or divine comedy
Where the last of the last finish first
Living is simple

Living is dying
Your mercy, Your mercy
Is how I believe
Living is dying
I can't understand it
I'm down on my knees
Confessing my needs again

I've had my choices
I've chosen today
I've had my choices
The choices remain

I think we walked into it with totally different definitions of the word.

Banana watermelon chocolate pies with strawberry and sodium monoglutamate plus instant noodle toppings

DAMN IT WHY DO I HAVE TO END UP CENSORING WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY.

weird

Haha this weekend was weird. Really really weird. Gosh.
Friday was weird because I suddenly didn't feel bad about spending a not-so-small sum of money.
Saturday was weird because Synod Youth Games was weird. Overwhelmingly difficult, seemingly pointless and definitely exhausting.
Sunday was weird because it was the fun-nest time I have ever had with Cat High Alumni (lynx) in a league match.

I managed to catch up a bit with Marcus Tan recently, on Saturday. Even though it was an online chat it felt great to know that I'm not forgotten, but it also made me feel guilty for not being able to appreciate these old friends that I have. Darn. Anyway, quote Marcus (hope you don't mind)

-----------------------------------
Marcus says:
haha we all have our struggles

Marcus says:
its quite hard to adapt

Marcus says:
cus, its pretty damned different
-----------------------------------

And, I pretty damned agree. Gee. It has been a real struggle for me to adapt to the new life I have now compared to what I had in Catholic High. Now what, I'm just getting used to JC life and the A levels are just around the corner. Not just that, anyway. The problems bugging me just keep multiplying... Sometimes I really feel like I can't do this, I want to end this right now, but I know it isn't the right way out of the problem. Frustrating, when the old problems come back to haunt me, and the not-so-old problems too.

GOD SAVE ME D:

-----------------------------------

Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

life as it is

Running further everyday... Ran to Serangoon Gardens yesterday through Lorong Chuan and back to Bishan! Ohwell, anyway I shall be taking a break from running this weekend to allow my legs some recovery time before running again next week because my legs are aching quite badly. Which just means that the leg muscles are growing YAY. Hahaha.

Went for consult this morning, I'm quite glad that I managed to learn some important things which I would never have covered if I had studied at home. Hmm. Saw some articles on time management and effective studying some time ago, and it mentioned that I have to reward myself every single time I achieve a target. Maybe I should start trying to reward myself, so I can keep working. Wonder what my rewards can be...

Synod Youth Games tomorrow!!! I think I should charge my camera like, today. It's going to be as fun as Synod Youth Camp I hope! Even though its only for a day, hey, I met some great friends just right before I left camp last year! Amazing how things usually work out from the most unlikely situation. So yeah praying for clear skies and cool winds tomorrow! Haha I don't mind some snow though xD

Oh anyway Cat High Alumni (lynx) is playing Storm on Sunday at 9am. B-E-A-UTIFUL. I'm really looking forward to a great match! I've only played against Storm once, and it was last year during the NUS open. Woohoo can't wait can't wait!

Update ends here I'm going to reward myself with some ice cream and hopefully some PS3 play! MUAHAHAHAH.

Devotion

I've been running, trying to be one who sees
I've been working, salvation out on my knees
There is nothing better than knowing
That we are redeemed
Unbelieving trusting in creative hands,
I am praying for our world to bow to your plan
And this one thought is unmistakable
I take up my cross and follow you Lord

When you stand the tall trees and mountains bow
When you speak the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen, and I fall to my knees

Unforgiven, my savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focused on the savior who gave his live
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow you Lord

I will take up my cross and follow Lord where you lead me
And I will take up my cross and follow wherever you go

---------------------------------------------------

This song really meant a lot to me, in three aspects of my life.

First one, YES I've been running, check out the first line of the lyrics. HAHA. I never really knew that running could feel so great. I love night runs especially! Can last longer :D I don't know why but the discipline to run every night has somehow found its way into my head. I've been running everyday and I've been running for longer durations and to further places! (woots today I ran to AJC and back from Bishan!) Sense of achievement with every barrier crossed... Hurrah!

Okay, secondly, devotion in terms of friendship and family! I have been going through some rough patches lately with certain people in my life (yes buddy to be honest and if you didn't know, which I really doubt it, you're the person who affected me the most D: hahah), and it is indeed a lesson for me to learn that all storms will not last. I just need a degree of devotion, of love, to the person, and a teeny weeny bit of faith to hang on. (NOTE: remember that the Bible says a teeny weeny bit of faith is all it takes to move mountains!) Well, I've moved uhh, a kind of mountain I think. I've managed to weather through the storm thanks to God! He's removed the barrier finally and I really really feel so thankful for that. My Block Tests are coming soon though... Hope that it won't become another barrier! Still need a bit of space to breathe >.< ..

The third and most important one would be devotion in my walk with God!! Check out the bridge of the song:

I will take up my cross and follow Lord where you lead me
And I will take up my cross and follow wherever you go

Last post I posted about TUMC right? Still remember what it means? It means "Taking Up My Cross"! Anyway, this parallel in the lyrics and the significance of the exact same words in my life reeeeeally meant a lot to me (which is why the song got 5 twinkling stars on my recently acquired iPod! Plus, it sounds good anyway hahah.) SO yeah. Devotion to God. You know why we need to be devoted? Because God did it first for us! Quotes "Send Me" by Planet Shakers:

Send me, I will go
Send me, I will go
To this city
To this nation
And to the nations of the world

Thats the kind of devotion we need in every aspect of our lives!! Anyway, I shall end my post here, for fear of the early morning flu bug or something. Tell your parents you love them okay! Bye :D