Monster

Redemption- Switchfoot

Four A.M., two hours to go
I'm wearing out a lonely glow
I miss you more than I could know
Here I am, here I am
Won't you get me....

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive

With my fist down at your feet
I was running out of mysteries
Insecure and incomplete, here I am, here I am,
won't you get me?

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive, alive, come alive

My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me, worn me out

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive

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This can't be happening. What's happened to my life? Was I living a lie without even knowing it? Everything's gone now. Even those I'd thought I could trust. I don't know. She's standing right there right now, and I know she's just pretending she hasn't seen me at all. Why can't anyone understand my position? Was this what I sacrificed my time for, to become invisible in the eyes of others?...

-message saved to drafts-

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I turned around and saw him there, but he wasn't himself anymore. Yeah, he looked the same, as always. Those shining eyes, those dull clothes, unkempt hair; well, he's never looked any different, maybe except when he came along one day wearing a cap because he'd shaved for a cause (I couldn't remember what). Yeah, physically, he's there alright. But things are different now. In recent times, it feels like he's become some sort of... monster. Just by the way he's become so negative, the way he gets caught up in worldly things and the way he feels so far away.

The extent of his negativity, well, there are no words within the limits of my vocabulary that can sufficiently describe it. He'd been pestering me for months on end, getting me to listen to all his laments and worries. Most of our conversations end with him trying to change for the better, but well, I guess those promises he made to himself never worked out. I'd tried to be patient, I can't recall how many times I tried, but I know I tried. It bothered me so much.

He used to be such a nice guy to talk to; enthusiastic, insightful, thoughtful, kind. I could make a whole list. Knowing all that, though, I guess I didn't really talk to him much. Ever since our first conversation, he kept looking me up to chat, and it grew pretty annoying after some time. I'd tried to be nice and enthusiastic because I didn't want to disappoint him, but gosh, those conversations kept coming at the worst possible times. I guess I could have dealt with things better, but hey, I'd apologized to him many times about it. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

"Life's never going to give you lemonade dude, you've gotta squeeze them lemons yourself", I said under my breath as I turned my back on him to find another seat. He was looking in my direction while his fingers typed endlessly on his cell. Whatever, I'd probably feel better if I consume my food without having to avoid his helpless gaze. It was such a burden he placed on my shoulders.

I saw a glitter of something streaking across his face as I turned.

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All I'd wanted was just someone who'd treat me like a real friend. Someone who'd freakin' treat me like a good friend, damnit. Yeah, they've got all their friends to worry about, because their friends are fun to be with. Their friends make them feel like everything is alright. I've never felt that kind of shit. YES SHIT DAMNIT. What kind of life am I living? I feel like I'm in a deep abyss right now. No one's making any effort to pull me out of it damnit what the hell are FRIENDS? People who see through you? Yeah now she goes away. Perfect. Sometimes I wonder if I really exist. WHAT THE HELL? Tears? I didn't even know I could still... cry. What in the world is wrong with me?...

-message saved to drafts-

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It really felt a lot better to eat without someone constantly trying to catch your eye. Can't he grow out of it? He's got to be more independent! Come on, look at him. All grown up, but unable to handle himself. What a pity. Hmm. Maybe he's got clinical depression. I should tell my friends about him, those smart alecs would probably know what he's suffering from.

I giggled to myself at the thought of Paul spouting a list of insane possibilities in reply to my question, while the others would cut in with their own freaky answers. These friends of mine are dead precious. Thank God I have these friends whom I could rely on... They've never failed to make me laugh, or cheer me up. I don't know why but I suddenly had the urge to look back at him, which I did.

It was tears, wasn't it? He's got his face buried in his hands now, bawling silently over his soup. What a pitiful sight. If only he'd known friends like mine. Maybe he'd be different. Oh well, no point worrying about that depressed lump over at the table, I'm late for my movie!

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It felt quite good to cry, somehow. At least I still can feel emotions. I loved her as a friend, and sometimes I am just so afraid that my emotions are dead, that I am but an empty shell, merely existing but not really living.. So I'm alive, what now?.. I've got nowhere to go, nothing to do, except wait for someone to save me. They say love will find a way, don't they? You know what, maybe I'm stressed out. Yeah, I'm probably stressed out. I'll go watch a movie right now..

-message saved to drafts-

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It was midnight.

They wanted to sneak into the cinema, all five of us, so we could have enough money for a good supper after the movie.

It was, of course, Paul's idea. He'd done it before, and he reckons it was a hell lot easier for him to sneak into the cinema compared to entering the guys' toilet. I knew it sounded pretty... fishy. There was just something wrong about not paying to enjoy something. It'd be exciting though.. I thought for a moment before I made a decision, but as I was deep in thought... I saw him again, through the corner of my eye. Damn! What, is he stalking me now? He's definitely going to be the guy to ruin my day. Such a jinx!

Anyway, I decided it wasn't right to sneak in, and I told my friends about it. The response I got was totally unexpected; they fell to the ground laughing. They weren't laughing because I'd made a joke, no, they were laughing AT me. Like I was the joke.

"OH SO NOW GOODY TWO-SHOES IS GOING TO RUIN OUR PLAN FOR THE NIGHT?" Paul hollered while I remained silent, still very taken aback by their reaction. They'd started making jokes up about my mother when he came along.

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Damn, why the hell do I keep seeing her around? hfdeu238fyi3euohjekdhawbhkfbr

-message saved to drafts-

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"HEY! HEY! RUN, DAMNIT, RUN! QUICKLY", he shouted as he approached, "COME ON!"

Sensing that something was wrong, my friends gradually shut up and started looking warily around. Paul's face turned a deathly white as he started scrambling away. My other friends followed suit, while I stood rooted to the ground and looking around in confusion, not knowing what was happening.

Then I saw them.

Four huge men were approaching, each carrying a different weapon, and staring mercilessly at me. For the first time in my life, I felt alone, staring Death in the face. Not for long though, as he reached my side, pushing me away.

"RUN! QUICK!" He shouted as he charged towards the thugs.

Those shining eyes, those dull clothes and unkempt hair. I could not find the strength to move my feet, much less run, and by the time I managed to find the ability to move my feet, I chose to heed his advice to turn around and run away. Surely his reckless charge was only a decoy? He wouldn't be so foolish as to take them head-on, would he?

I saw a glitter of something streaking across his form as I turned.

My heart skipped a beat. I didn't look, I couldn't look. I ran round the corner and hid behind the bushes, tears running endlessly down my cheeks, trying to control the uncontrollable sobs. Screams, terrible, deathly screams. I could hear them from where I was.

By the time they walked past the bush, it was fifteen minutes later, an eternity.

"We didn't kill him, did we, boys?"
"Not too sure dude, but we sure beat the hell outta him."
"Yeah man, awesome whackin' down there. I can't wait to get my hands on that Paul dude though."
"Bloody brat owes me a fortune for that stock of drugs, damn. I'll make sure he gets it."

I made sure they were gone before I moved out of my hiding place. Paul, a drug dealer? The reality struck me hard, but I had to get to him. He'd better be alive, or I'd never forgive myself for running away like a freaking coward.

It was a grisly sight, but he was still breathing. Apparently the thugs had traded their weapons for knuckles, for they were fighting only a single, unarmed man. Thank goodness. He's still alive. There is hope. I saw his phone lying nearby and called for an ambulance, and then I knelt there and prayed.

Right now, he looked like a monster. Shining eyes replaced by swollen ones, dull clothes torn and tattered, unkempt hair pulled off his scalp by clumps. But I've never felt him so.. eerily beautiful. He was someone who risked his life to save me, and he was right here in front of me, closer to death with every passing second.

I held him in my arms for the longest time as I cried, and yet help had not yet arrived within twenty minutes now. Time was running out, and I was about to give up all hope when he stirred in my arms.

Those shining eyes shone again.

"Hey." He said as he tried to curl his swollen lips into a smile.

A tear dropped from my face and onto his. I stared into those beautiful eyes for a moment, and only for a moment, that last time his eyes ever shone.

It was only days later that his mother approached me and passed me his cell.

"I think you'd want to see this. He loved you, girl. He loved you so."

Who's the monster now?