Terrible Terrible Terrible.

And again my poor blog is plunged into another melancholic state.

Everyone has those times, when they feel that everything they do is meaningless; when they lose a sense of purpose and when they see no end to these meaningless routines. For the whole period of 2008 so far, I have been working towards living a more meaningful life. I tried to establish friendships and sustain them, I tried to build on the things that I had been taking for granted and I tried, oh I tried so darned many things. Now at this point, not even halfway through the year, I am asking myself:

"To what end?"

Sure, it is only right that I give myself up for the sake of others; it is only right that I place less focus on myself and more on the people I have around me, but why am I feeling so empty now? I find that as a mere human being, it is so difficult to give without expecting any returns no matter how hard you try. The question always comes:

"Why does everything I give fall into hands of apathy?.."

Indeed I am in the wrong for thinking this way, for expecting every little thing I do to be appreciated.

So when friendships progress to a state of apathy or even hostility, all I get is a cut where it hurts most: the heart. Which is the reason for my hurt, which is the reason I fall asleep at night with a heavy burden in my heart, which is the reason something inside me curdles in disappointment every single time I hear of another subtle sigh of assurance that I can never really matter.

So subtle yet so hurtful. Papercut hurts the most.

Frankly I do not know what to do now. The best way out is to go back to faith, the way that could never possibly fail in the long run, but being human, sometimes I only want the easiest way out. What a flawed being I am.

Terrible terrible terrible.