Dumb.

So after I knocked out in school today for two full hours without even realizing it, I had one heck of a time trying to attribute the painful concoction of physical suffering and emotional turbulence. I came to a conclusion finally, and uhh..

I think my subconscious does all the thinking and relays whatever evaluations it has to my consciousness. No matter how much logic I throw at myself, no matter how well I reason, I will never be fully convinced once my subconscious has dumped me into this mood.

So when my subconscious tells me that "things will never be the same again" and "there it goes", I think my consciousness was pretty much beaten into unconsciousness, pardon the pun. Beaten into pulp would be more appropriate.

I find it so difficult to accept and share with others, well, because I know I shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm jealous, I'm selfish and I'm envious, when all I should be doing is just to be happy for what is happening. Happy that "things will never be the same again", and that it will all still go on nicely without me in the equation.

I hate myself for feeling that way, hate myself for being such a flawed soul, hate myself for not having a constancy of purpose, hate myself for just being so weak.

Somehow I managed to convince myself that no one'll read this post. If I didn't, you guys probably wouldn't know what's going on with me. Trust me, I don't really know either. Read, and understand, the pains I am going through; and pardon me.