So Smile

Slowly, sweetly, so tenderly
Come into this world, you invite me
Let it go, release, it's okay
Saw these chains, mellowly take me away
Sweetness, tasteless, it's so dangerous
Senseless, weightless, beauty
Is this it? is this really it?
But wait, there is more, a lot more

Sing me an art, craft me a song
Afraid of freedom, this careless soul
Afraid to drown in the beauty within
Too much in my hands, afraid to drop everything
Shape me a word, a single one,
To shine the courage of a thousand suns,
"We are two rivers, you cannot drown,
Two beautiful rivers that will flow as one.

There is nothing to hold, nothing to drop,
Only to drift in, and never to stop,
I am you, and you are me,
The word is us, and we fly free. "

There is so much more, than you'll ever know.

I'd stopped my rants and started regrouping. Apparently I'm on a breakdown cycle with the countdown timer going off every six months with uncontrollable recurrences in between. I thought I knew lots of things, but the greatest knowledge I have now is that I'm the biggest idiot of them all.

No, this is not self-deprecation but an honest accounting for all my stupidity and ignorance over the past few months.

I realise my all-too-human flaw is a huge obstacle to overcome, for it comes unconsciously from within; the Rage, the Fool, the Careless and the Lazy. My worst enemies, each one of them, and all of them are within me. All of them desecrating my life and my soul.

Its about time I got down to humbling myself and righting my wrongs. So difficult, yes, but so necessary. It's long overdue...

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Another update from the school library, given my 1.5 hour break I'd better be doing something useful -or something I like, like blogging, for that matter- and not waste my time idling away. I realise that my mood fluctuates as much as my weight (range of 73-76kg depending on training days), and sometimes- i wonder why- my mood is just totally foul when the Mariners lose a series.

Which leaves me mooning over why I'm feeling relatively cheerful after getting to know that Mariners lost 9-2 in the finale, ending my 6-game streak in mlb.com survivor. Still cheerful.

Honestly today was started in a broody mood, the unmistakable sign of a deprived soul, but somehow certain songs got my heart up and running again. Which really just shows how easily my mood can swing around, a flaw, but not necessarily a bad flaw if you get what I mean. Kind of like a double-edged sword.

"Think less, smile more." Easy way to put it, really tough to pull off for me. I really envy those who can just stop thinking about something and settle into an endless void with the ease of lifting a finger. Its a gift, but not necessarily a good gift if you get what I mean. Kind of like a double-edged sword.

Now you'd probably be able to see what I'm trying to drive at. Maybe not. Its just that lightness of the heart, for this matter, may or may not be a good thing. Difficult and risky as it is, though, I would love to be able to achieve that proper, perpetual lightness. People tell me not to take things too seriously, not to think too much, but its not easy too achieve. Thinking, when carried out in the modern world, often brings about depressing thoughts of damnation and catastrophe (in a wide variety of magnitude). Depending on the railway on which your train of thought travels, though, the glass can be half-full (or half-empty) according to your own way of thinking.

Perspective. Yes. You can build that railway through scenic mountains or even desolated ruins. You have the freedom to choose the scenery you yourself will see. The same thoughts would trigger differing reactions on your part, depending on your perspective, and sadly many people miss out on this fact that most of their lives hinge on these thought-carrying railways.

Do you see the glass as half-full or half-empty? Do you see happiness as ephemeral, or do you try to retain it for as long as you can? When you lose something, do you complain, or do you think about how others can benefit from it?

I try to be kind to everyone. Its really hard, now that I've seen so many more faces of the society (certainly not all), to really be considerate to people who really puts in a lot of hard work to make your life difficult. I try anyway. I fail. I try again. I fail again. I begin to lose hope... Then something brings me back to Hope, something inside tells me to go on, and I try again.

Sadly I have failed on many counts, even reducing myself to the level of hate. I despised myself for having to sink myself to such an inferior level, but it really is difficult. Being the human that I am, I am weak. I cannot find the will to keep fighting for others who don't even want to save themselves. I cannot live out the unfailing love.

I am weak. I cannot go on, yet I cannot stop in my tracks.

I know, all the time, deep inside, who to turn to. I know exactly who to turn to, but I don't do it. I think that I can solve the problems, given a bit of time, and I am reluctant to turn away from this path I tread.

Now, temporarily (being the human I am), all the present is now the past.

I was weak. I was reluctant to turn away from the path I trod. Now I turn to the light, silently wishing, praying that I can keep to the rocky path without deviating. Selfishness, I throw aside, wishing, praying that He'll never come back to me. From the claws of Rage, Foolery, Carelessness and Laziness, I escape, wishing, praying that they'll never find me.

And there is only One who truly has Power, Grace and Mercy at his side. The only one who can lift me up from the abyss.

If I would get joy in Your place
I would reject it
because She is at Your side. Always.