yeah here it is.

Emotionally unstable. One moment I'm all fine, and the next I just feel so empty all over again. Envious of other's positions while simultaneously blaming myself (God, maybe? The people around me?) for the situation I'm in. It's just me I guess. I mean, yeah. You'd probably fully understand if you were in my shoes, but I'd never want you to wear those shoes, ever. It's painful.

I keep thinking what I would be doing to settle this problem if I were you. What would you do when faced with a similar problem? You'd probably take everything in your stride. Wish I could do that. Yeah. Sometimes it hurts so much to have experienced something so beautiful, and to feel it ebbing away with every passing day. What if it had never happened? I would probably never have known the feeling, but why can't I just be grateful that it's happened? Perplexed. I should be glad that it happened, not sad that it's gradually slipping away, but I cannot feel that way. Tempted by the selfish desire to hold it close and not to let go, but I know it will cause even more negativities. Maybe it's just me. I do hope I'm wrong, and I'd be overjoyed if I'm proven wrong.

Life's too much of a gamble. Too much of an uncertainty. The past has taught me to be vigilant, but my guard's down and I'm facing the consequences. Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way. Yeah. Probably, but my mind's blurred by a fog and my heart's lost its direction. Shall I take the leap of faith? Leave it hanging on the cliff? I don't know what to do. I cannot decide.

You don't have to understand, but the above is but a part of what there actually is. I could sum it all up in a few words, but I can't. I'm not ready to take the leap yet.