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I shouldn't have. I really shouldn't have fallen into that trap. There's totally no use getting all sad and worked up over boredom and idleness, because I do have things to do.
Work's all piled up on the desk. Cloud's waiting for me to help him kill Sephiroth. I still have not mastered either hiragana or katakana, much less kanji. iTunes has 574839203483 album arts for me to search. I have lots of anime to draw.
What do I have to be sad about for now?
No friends? No one to accompany me?
I have my books, my playstation, my Japanese to learn, my pictures to draw, my blog to rant, my diary to write, my God to pray. What do I have to fear?
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Home?
It really can get frustrating at times, when you feel like you're being pushed around; when the future's always uncertain. Oh well. It was a frustrating two weeks, but God does have ways to pick me up. Hmm. I just wonder how long that trip would last me, because now I think I'd probably be bored and idle again tomorrow.
I don't know what to say, really. Am I supposed to just remain stagnant and unmoving until the next move God makes, or am I supposed to go out there to find out what I need to do next? Even if the answer's the latter, where do I go?
Yeah. I'd probably be better off trying to get used to living a slow, boring life alone like what I'm doing now. Find somewhere to go now and then when others feel like it, remain alone when others don't feel like seeing me. Since when does my vote count anyway? Maybe only with God. Hey. You know the feeling, when you know that you have to do the right thing, but you can't? I'm full of it every single day.
A friendship is like a house, with you and your friend living in it. You have to maintain and take care of that house, both you and your friend, for things to work out. Both sides have to give, and both sides have to clean the house up. Both sides have to furnish the house, make it comfortable for the both of you. For the friendship to bloom, you both have to transform the house into a home.
Most importantly, I'd like to quote the saying, "Home is where the heart is". To transform your "house" into a home, keep the friendship in your heart, always. That way you can never go wrong.
So where the hell did I go wrong?
Is it my fault that the other side refuses to preserve my friendship? Or is it my fault for not being persistent enough? Yeah. People change. You and me. We all change. Sadly though, memories stay, and that's what makes separation unbearably painful. If I had a choice, maybe I'd choose never to have crossed your path. I'd probably experience less pain in my life.
Maybe pain is good. Maybe pain's a devil. Maybe I'm like pain.
Maybe I'm perfect. Maybe I'm an idiot. Go figure which one I am.
I don't know what to say, really. Am I supposed to just remain stagnant and unmoving until the next move God makes, or am I supposed to go out there to find out what I need to do next? Even if the answer's the latter, where do I go?
Yeah. I'd probably be better off trying to get used to living a slow, boring life alone like what I'm doing now. Find somewhere to go now and then when others feel like it, remain alone when others don't feel like seeing me. Since when does my vote count anyway? Maybe only with God. Hey. You know the feeling, when you know that you have to do the right thing, but you can't? I'm full of it every single day.
A friendship is like a house, with you and your friend living in it. You have to maintain and take care of that house, both you and your friend, for things to work out. Both sides have to give, and both sides have to clean the house up. Both sides have to furnish the house, make it comfortable for the both of you. For the friendship to bloom, you both have to transform the house into a home.
Most importantly, I'd like to quote the saying, "Home is where the heart is". To transform your "house" into a home, keep the friendship in your heart, always. That way you can never go wrong.
So where the hell did I go wrong?
Is it my fault that the other side refuses to preserve my friendship? Or is it my fault for not being persistent enough? Yeah. People change. You and me. We all change. Sadly though, memories stay, and that's what makes separation unbearably painful. If I had a choice, maybe I'd choose never to have crossed your path. I'd probably experience less pain in my life.
Maybe pain is good. Maybe pain's a devil. Maybe I'm like pain.
Maybe I'm perfect. Maybe I'm an idiot. Go figure which one I am.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
The Perfect Imperfect
Alright, here goes nothing.
I've been doing nothing seriously useful these holidays. Period. All the time is going into a solitary hunt for entertainment, where others rarely play a part or even make a dent in my action plans. I realise that all the while, softball is the one thing that keeps me from straying off. Having had to stop training because of my injured leg, it became somewhat clear to me that constant activity has somehow integrated itself into my life. I have to do something. I cannot stop until I'm exhausted. Being idle is a waste of your life.
Every second, I know, is precious. The problem is that I cannot bring myself to do what people deem as "useful", like studying. Even worse, I find no companionship for the things I want to do. Yeah, yeah. I can't even have proper fun.
If holidays really actually mean solitary confinement, I'd rather study all year. Exhaustion is so much more satisfying than idleness. Yeah, friends leave their mark in your life. How many, though, bother to constantly touch your life?
How many people derive their joy from your smile and your happiness?
Few. Maybe even none.
Maybe it's just Singapore. Maybe it's just the cold, hard world we're living in now.
I don't know how many times I have pondered over this question, but the only logical solution that comes to mind is to live off memories. Memories of the good times, memories of the jokes, the laughs, the joy, how we overcame the sorrows. Sadly, though, these memories can never come along with the realisation that your friends aren't what they used to be anymore. Or maybe you're the one who changed. The realisation that hey, your friends aren't there with you anymore. It's painful. New friends come, but they just can't take that space in your heart that was occupied by what you thought would be someone who'd fight with you to the end.
Maybe it was all just self-delusion in the first place. What does it matter now that it's gone? All you can do is to brace yourself for the uncertainty ahead. There are times in life when you feel invincible, like nothing can break you down, but you'll fall sooner or later. There are times in life when it seems that everything is going wrong, but you know the bad times won't last.
Maybe all we have to do is to find a middleground for us to live our lives in. What priorities do we set for ourselves? What do you value? Where does your happiness come from?
"Happiness" often comes from attainment. Yeah, I'll feel "happy" if I get four 'A's for A-levels, but is that really happiness? How do we find that happiness that truly lasts a lifetime? Pure joy and happiness come from faith and an unquenchable fountain of hope within, from peace and the love of peace, and from the ability to derive elation from the simplest of things. That stage would be what I call, "spiritual enlightenment".
Sometimes I feel it. Yeah. I feel it coming by, patting my shoulders for just a moment. Whatever I do, though, I cannot make it stay, and I know why it won't stay with me. It is like a flash of the past, often coming back to spur you on, often coming back to remind you of your faults.
Our faults are many, but how many people can say they tried their utmost best to right their wrongs?
The society now seems to thrive on human imperfections. Why can't we all thrive on perfection instead? Perfection does not have to be ideally perfect. What we're talking here is human perfection. If you're the perfect pitcher, it doesn't mean you have to pitch a perfect game every time.
If you're a perfect human, you don't have to be perfect.
You have to try, you have to know that you've tried so hard to live every breath of your life to your best, pursuing moral perfection and aiding your community. You have to try so hard to eradicate all your selfish thoughts, all your negative thoughts.
At the end of it all, you might have sinned. Alright. You might have cursed someone particularly annoying. Fine. You might have let your community down. Okay. But if in your heart, you know how much effort you have put in to perfect yourself, take heart.
You're the perfect human being, perfection born of imperfections.
Us humans, we're not perfect to start with, but we can be. That's where pure happiness can be found I say.
I've been doing nothing seriously useful these holidays. Period. All the time is going into a solitary hunt for entertainment, where others rarely play a part or even make a dent in my action plans. I realise that all the while, softball is the one thing that keeps me from straying off. Having had to stop training because of my injured leg, it became somewhat clear to me that constant activity has somehow integrated itself into my life. I have to do something. I cannot stop until I'm exhausted. Being idle is a waste of your life.
Every second, I know, is precious. The problem is that I cannot bring myself to do what people deem as "useful", like studying. Even worse, I find no companionship for the things I want to do. Yeah, yeah. I can't even have proper fun.
If holidays really actually mean solitary confinement, I'd rather study all year. Exhaustion is so much more satisfying than idleness. Yeah, friends leave their mark in your life. How many, though, bother to constantly touch your life?
How many people derive their joy from your smile and your happiness?
Few. Maybe even none.
Maybe it's just Singapore. Maybe it's just the cold, hard world we're living in now.
I don't know how many times I have pondered over this question, but the only logical solution that comes to mind is to live off memories. Memories of the good times, memories of the jokes, the laughs, the joy, how we overcame the sorrows. Sadly, though, these memories can never come along with the realisation that your friends aren't what they used to be anymore. Or maybe you're the one who changed. The realisation that hey, your friends aren't there with you anymore. It's painful. New friends come, but they just can't take that space in your heart that was occupied by what you thought would be someone who'd fight with you to the end.
Maybe it was all just self-delusion in the first place. What does it matter now that it's gone? All you can do is to brace yourself for the uncertainty ahead. There are times in life when you feel invincible, like nothing can break you down, but you'll fall sooner or later. There are times in life when it seems that everything is going wrong, but you know the bad times won't last.
Maybe all we have to do is to find a middleground for us to live our lives in. What priorities do we set for ourselves? What do you value? Where does your happiness come from?
"Happiness" often comes from attainment. Yeah, I'll feel "happy" if I get four 'A's for A-levels, but is that really happiness? How do we find that happiness that truly lasts a lifetime? Pure joy and happiness come from faith and an unquenchable fountain of hope within, from peace and the love of peace, and from the ability to derive elation from the simplest of things. That stage would be what I call, "spiritual enlightenment".
Sometimes I feel it. Yeah. I feel it coming by, patting my shoulders for just a moment. Whatever I do, though, I cannot make it stay, and I know why it won't stay with me. It is like a flash of the past, often coming back to spur you on, often coming back to remind you of your faults.
Our faults are many, but how many people can say they tried their utmost best to right their wrongs?
The society now seems to thrive on human imperfections. Why can't we all thrive on perfection instead? Perfection does not have to be ideally perfect. What we're talking here is human perfection. If you're the perfect pitcher, it doesn't mean you have to pitch a perfect game every time.
If you're a perfect human, you don't have to be perfect.
You have to try, you have to know that you've tried so hard to live every breath of your life to your best, pursuing moral perfection and aiding your community. You have to try so hard to eradicate all your selfish thoughts, all your negative thoughts.
At the end of it all, you might have sinned. Alright. You might have cursed someone particularly annoying. Fine. You might have let your community down. Okay. But if in your heart, you know how much effort you have put in to perfect yourself, take heart.
You're the perfect human being, perfection born of imperfections.
Us humans, we're not perfect to start with, but we can be. That's where pure happiness can be found I say.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Cast in Stone Crutches
Oh stoopidy doodly crap. Somehow I managed to get myself another major injury, the second one in two years, and this one left me unable to walk. All the time spent at home either wasting myself away on the computer or doing nothing.
Amazing how immobility leaves you feeling almost entirely powerless. You have to walk around with the help of crutches, you can't sit around without propping your leg up, and you can't even bathe standing up. It's such a bother. The worst thing is when your mother tells you to stop using the computer. How am I supposed to spend my time like that? I can't read 70% of my time away, and I draw with the aid of the computer. For now, the computer's like my third leg, the only thing that's keeping me in contact with the rest of the world. Of course, the phone is another useful tool I have, but who in the world messages me?
It is at these times that I wonder what the future holds. Suppose a fire starts next door and spreads over, what is my escape plan? (Oh crap I have to think of a plan) It's like being trapped in prison, where the other inmates (people like my brother, although he is being locked up in a different cell called 'A' levels) come and go freely. I'm the only one trapped in the miserable cell without a key... Can't help feeling useless, can't help feeling abandoned, can't help being envious of others, can't stand the fact that my mobility is lost for now. Mobility means a lot to someone like me.
Sports, movement, action. All these I had at my disposal just a few days ago.
And now its 4-8 weeks away...
Oh well. I am not one to ask for pity. If I am going to spend my month away not even getting to see a friend, so be it. I, for one, do not deny weakness though. It does get lonely sometimes...
Saw this set of lyrics somewhere (don't ask me where), found it really moving.
Don't Laugh at Me
I'm a little boy with glasses
The one they call the geek
A little girl who never smiles
'Cause I've got braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels
To cry myself to sleep
I'm that kid on every playground
Who's always chosen last
A single teenage mother
Tryin' to overcome my past
You don't have to be my friend
But is it too much to ask
Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me
I'm the cripple on the corner
You've passed me on the street
And I wouldn't be out here beggin'
If I had enough to eat
And don't think I don't notice
That our eyes never meet
I lost my wife and little boy when
Someone crossed that yellow line
The day we laid them in the ground
Is the day I lost my mind
And right now I'm down to holdin'
This little cardboard sign...so
Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me
I'm fat, I'm thin, I'm short, I'm tall
I'm deaf, I'm blind, hey, aren't we all
Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me
Just remembering the scenes in my mind where people laughed at those in pain, or those who are less privileged than them. If the world learnt just this value, so much suffering would disappear from the face of the Earth today.
I'm just glad that I still have some mobility. Maybe someone could take me out to a movie or something (an activity that does not require standing. Oh! Kbox o.O) .. For those who read "Tuesdays with Morrie" out there, yes I can still wipe my bottom.
I'm in bed but I'm not dead. Enough for now though. Do a good deed everyday you.
Amazing how immobility leaves you feeling almost entirely powerless. You have to walk around with the help of crutches, you can't sit around without propping your leg up, and you can't even bathe standing up. It's such a bother. The worst thing is when your mother tells you to stop using the computer. How am I supposed to spend my time like that? I can't read 70% of my time away, and I draw with the aid of the computer. For now, the computer's like my third leg, the only thing that's keeping me in contact with the rest of the world. Of course, the phone is another useful tool I have, but who in the world messages me?
It is at these times that I wonder what the future holds. Suppose a fire starts next door and spreads over, what is my escape plan? (Oh crap I have to think of a plan) It's like being trapped in prison, where the other inmates (people like my brother, although he is being locked up in a different cell called 'A' levels) come and go freely. I'm the only one trapped in the miserable cell without a key... Can't help feeling useless, can't help feeling abandoned, can't help being envious of others, can't stand the fact that my mobility is lost for now. Mobility means a lot to someone like me.
Sports, movement, action. All these I had at my disposal just a few days ago.
And now its 4-8 weeks away...
Oh well. I am not one to ask for pity. If I am going to spend my month away not even getting to see a friend, so be it. I, for one, do not deny weakness though. It does get lonely sometimes...
Saw this set of lyrics somewhere (don't ask me where), found it really moving.
Don't Laugh at Me
I'm a little boy with glasses
The one they call the geek
A little girl who never smiles
'Cause I've got braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels
To cry myself to sleep
I'm that kid on every playground
Who's always chosen last
A single teenage mother
Tryin' to overcome my past
You don't have to be my friend
But is it too much to ask
Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me
I'm the cripple on the corner
You've passed me on the street
And I wouldn't be out here beggin'
If I had enough to eat
And don't think I don't notice
That our eyes never meet
I lost my wife and little boy when
Someone crossed that yellow line
The day we laid them in the ground
Is the day I lost my mind
And right now I'm down to holdin'
This little cardboard sign...so
Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me
I'm fat, I'm thin, I'm short, I'm tall
I'm deaf, I'm blind, hey, aren't we all
Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me
Just remembering the scenes in my mind where people laughed at those in pain, or those who are less privileged than them. If the world learnt just this value, so much suffering would disappear from the face of the Earth today.
I'm just glad that I still have some mobility. Maybe someone could take me out to a movie or something (an activity that does not require standing. Oh! Kbox o.O) .. For those who read "Tuesdays with Morrie" out there, yes I can still wipe my bottom.
I'm in bed but I'm not dead. Enough for now though. Do a good deed everyday you.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Useless
For many guys in Singapore, holidays will probably mean computer games, computer games, soccer, and more computer games.
I tried the computer games part. It was fun to begin with, but everything just got very repetitive... Now I'm tired of games. Haha. Wonder why huh. Maybe I'm just not the gamey type. I'm also tired of computer games partly because I feel really useless playing all those games. Why am I spending hours and hours of my life's prime in front of the computer trying to entertain myself! Sigh. Without computer games (or the computer)it'll be so difficult to pass time though.
Trying to find something useful to do...
Any tips just leave a tag or call or anything :)
I tried the computer games part. It was fun to begin with, but everything just got very repetitive... Now I'm tired of games. Haha. Wonder why huh. Maybe I'm just not the gamey type. I'm also tired of computer games partly because I feel really useless playing all those games. Why am I spending hours and hours of my life's prime in front of the computer trying to entertain myself! Sigh. Without computer games (or the computer)it'll be so difficult to pass time though.
Trying to find something useful to do...
Any tips just leave a tag or call or anything :)
Friday, October 19, 2007
wdjfhlkwnlkdhgjwfllek
I think i'm supposed to post more now that the exams are like, way over. Don't know though. I'm almost always on the computer, well, just got really lazy for almost 2 weeks now after my previous short post...
Been going out lots these two weeks and I am so very thankful for having a really great bunch of people around me. Well, we meet sometimes, like maybe once a year or two? (we broke the record this year!) The memories I collect every time we meet, though, are always golden. Memories which never fail to make me smile :)
PWned. Well, the crunch is barely here yet, with the OP just lurking around in the shadows of the coming night. WR was (hopefully) not a disaster. OP's coming at the end of the month though! How are we supposed to rehearse for everything! Zzz...
School's a giant waste of time nowadays. They always manage to find the lamest reasons to make us go to school. Going through only one paper of physics when they could have done two just so they could make us come back on another day of empty timetables. It really is a nuisance. Can't they just let us go to do PW in the peace of our homes?
Okay it seems that my brain's short-circuited. I hereby declare that the post ends here.
Oh, and Republic Polytechnic's a cool, hard, metallic place. They have to plant more trees!
Been going out lots these two weeks and I am so very thankful for having a really great bunch of people around me. Well, we meet sometimes, like maybe once a year or two? (we broke the record this year!) The memories I collect every time we meet, though, are always golden. Memories which never fail to make me smile :)
PWned. Well, the crunch is barely here yet, with the OP just lurking around in the shadows of the coming night. WR was (hopefully) not a disaster. OP's coming at the end of the month though! How are we supposed to rehearse for everything! Zzz...
School's a giant waste of time nowadays. They always manage to find the lamest reasons to make us go to school. Going through only one paper of physics when they could have done two just so they could make us come back on another day of empty timetables. It really is a nuisance. Can't they just let us go to do PW in the peace of our homes?
Okay it seems that my brain's short-circuited. I hereby declare that the post ends here.
Oh, and Republic Polytechnic's a cool, hard, metallic place. They have to plant more trees!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
The river flows..
I was so preoccupied with playing that it took me nearly a week after the end of promos to get a post in.
Well, it's over. I don't even know what to say anymore now. Seniors are telling me to play my 2-3 months away (of course without neglecting the oh-my-gosh-so-fun PW), and I am already feeling guilty playing my week away. Heheh. Sabbaticals tomorrow and Friday! Woots. Play some moreeeeeeeeeee...
Prudence tells me that it would only be right that I start revising for next year during the holidays. Hold the curses, though. I figured I probably would not get down to do it.
Changed my blog picture, because this year's not the year for the M's anymore, and because this was a really inspiring picture for me.
A pair of flip-flops floating on the surface of the water, walking where the river flows, hand in hand (don't decipher it so literally please) and courageously facing the uncertainties which lay ahead. Even though we might be at the mercy of so many things in life, we must go on, bravely walk where God takes us and fight till the last breath.
The river keeps flowing and flowing, and there will come a day where we meet the sea, where true freedom will be ours to keep.
Hold on, friend.
Well, it's over. I don't even know what to say anymore now. Seniors are telling me to play my 2-3 months away (of course without neglecting the oh-my-gosh-so-fun PW), and I am already feeling guilty playing my week away. Heheh. Sabbaticals tomorrow and Friday! Woots. Play some moreeeeeeeeeee...
Prudence tells me that it would only be right that I start revising for next year during the holidays. Hold the curses, though. I figured I probably would not get down to do it.
Changed my blog picture, because this year's not the year for the M's anymore, and because this was a really inspiring picture for me.
A pair of flip-flops floating on the surface of the water, walking where the river flows, hand in hand (don't decipher it so literally please) and courageously facing the uncertainties which lay ahead. Even though we might be at the mercy of so many things in life, we must go on, bravely walk where God takes us and fight till the last breath.
The river keeps flowing and flowing, and there will come a day where we meet the sea, where true freedom will be ours to keep.
Hold on, friend.
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