bodyguard

sighhhhhhhhhhh.....

things just haven't been going too well for me.

my studies, don't talk about it. far from remarkable, although not anything too bad. mediocre. shucks i hate that word.

socially, i'm getting whacked upside down. heh. i am useless when it comes to the social aspect. if social skills were O level subjects, i would score an F9. no doubt about it.

even when playing, i'm screwing up. i keep losing in mvp. blah.

all in all, my freakin' life is screwed up.

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..

i'm getting ignored. i think too much. my mind wanders.

*poof*

guess the outcome.


look ma! i am one depressed old tramp.





i really cannot stand this anymore. shucks, i would be better off sleeping on the roadside. at least i'll have stray cats and dogs as my friends. sigh.

i know some people do care, some people give a damn. only that i am just too narrow minded to be able to see. for that, i apologize.

rant, rant, rant. that's all i can do.

i wish i could be like



<------ him.





if you dont know him, he acts in the lovely show called "bodyguard". channel u 6pm. lol.




nice show.




personally im not a fan of korean drama or whatever. but this show really caught my attention. heheh.

to what extent? you may ask.

here's my answer.





















good enough?

i'm screaming inside.

Today was really crappy.

I don't know why I was in such a state. Both mentally and physically hurt, and it occured to me that it was all self-inflicted. All these would not have happened if I wasn't me. If I had the courage. It really is not my cup of tea, trying to put up a brave front. I've tried so hard, I really did. I just couldn't do it, and I still can't. I was so down, I even went to cry.

My knuckles are all bloody from punching the wall. I can't stand myself.

Useless piece of crap.

What if you're in a "good" school? What if you have a good cca? What if your studies aren't really that bad?

It all sums up to nothing if you've got no one to share your joys and sorrows with. It all sums up to nothing when you're all alone. How could anyone live without companionship? But when I try to reach out to others, guess what happens.

Maybe I'm destined to lead such a life. Empty, lonely, meaningless and abandoned. Not entirely abandoned by others, but also by myself. I think of the many times I have let myself down, and I cannot forgive myself.

No one really knows how it feels, to be left all alone in the lurch; thrown into a deep well with no one to pull you up. Being unable to feel good, hard solid ground underneath your feet. Surely such travesty has never happened to anyone else?

Everywhere I go I see people laughing with their friends, people chatting endlessly on the phone, people having meals together. I often wonder what went wrong, but that's just me. People say there's nothing wrong with me. People say I'm fine.

Guess what, I'm not okay. I'm not normal. Period.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everytime I see you, my heart beats faster. My knees get so weak. I don't dare to speak.

Worse, I'll never know whether it's the last time I'll be looking at you. Your sweet smile, anything. It hurts when I see your face, it pains me when I see you smile. I dare not face the fact that I might not ever get to see that beautiful smile again.

It really is a daunting task to live your life when you're facing the prospect of going blind at any time.

If only you knew.

I'll never forgive myself if I never get the chance to see you again, and for that,

I'm screaming inside.

I know you don't see me that way, and I know it'll never happen.

All I can do is to wish you happiness. I know you'll find it.

rants

Acts 2.

Peter's teaching style was generally in a reassuring manner. He touched on the identity of Jesus, the crucifixion, the ascension to heaven, all of which the Israelites obviously had knowledge of.

Peter did not promise wealth, nor did he promise health. He merely assured the people that in fact, the pleasures of this world were of no good to them.

The believers devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. They sold all their possessions and goods and gave to anyone as he had need. They gained the favour of the people, and the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

They cut themselves off from the world, saving other people in the process. They ceased to sin against God, and they loved one another as brothers. I wish that I could be like them. I wish that I could just give away everything I had to anyone who needs it, living in solitude with the Lord. I want to devote myself like these people.

How I wish, how I wish. Lol. Now back to my lonely existence.

Excerpts from MY diary.

"What in the world is happening? I try to open up, and I get ignored. I talk to others, they try to avoid me. I care about others (at least i try), but do others care about me?

No, no and another no. No one gives a damn.

I feel like such a moron."

Nah, I shouldn't just be feeling like a moron. I am one! No denying it.

Argh. Stop ranting. Does nobody any good.

Anyway, have you ever read the book "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupery? Personally I find it a very refreshing read, even though it was somewhat a "children's book". The messages hidden among the text are so utterly profound and thought-provoking that it literally blew me away. Actually, I believe that no one really cares about the messages.

But guess what? I care.

Behind the childish form of the little prince lay the secret to finding true happiness in this world. Something I believe not many people have achieved. The story also tells about the stupidity of the modern adult world. The king, the businessman, the drunk, the lamp lighter and the geographer. All of these characters resemble the true form of today's society. Read the book, and you may find that these characters' behaviours are very, very familiar.

I regret not reading the book much earlier. I truly regret it. It had been lying on the shelf for years, and I did not even bother to touch it. I could have stopped myself from making the mistakes I have made, but it's too late. I've already turned into a grown-up. Attached to the meaningless routines of daily life, just fighting a losing battle.

What Marcus said really made me think. I may be saying all these things right now, but would I be doing them in the future? Your words really took a toll on me. Made me think so hard.

I came to the conclusion that we are unable to severe all our ties with this world, not because of our own incompetency. We are not entirely at fault. The bonds that we have with this world, they have been established on the day we were born, and these bonds have moulded us into what we are today. We had no choice over it. It just comes, and we are helpless against it. It's as if a dot of white paint was dropped into a bucket of black paint, instantaneously dissolving into the darkness. No one really ever survives this devilry.

I just wish what Marcus said won't come true.

I want to live a true life, unmarred by the world.

You won't get to see the tears I cried.

religion

Religion is one huge topic in today's world. It concerns almost everyone, if not everyone, in this world. Most of this is due to the fact that we, as humans, require a medium through which we can actually find peace, or something like that.

When people go for some time without religion, two things can be their outcome.

Either they live a godless life, or they find the need of a religion in their lives. The latter is a more common case, which leads me to the conclusion that it is the cause of the rising of religious groups in China.

Religion is a strong word, and a pretty sensitive topic among people too. Sex and religion, both belong to the most sensitive topics of discussion in the present Asian society. I cannot refer these as sensitive topics in the "open" Western countries. Hey, who were the ones who drew the comic that sparked off so many riots in the Muslim countries?

Religion is very open nowadays. In the past, ancient people literally ate, drank, and breathed religion. Their lives revolved around religion. Whatever they did, they kept to their religions. They kept their sacraments, they worship everyday, they do everything that they hear in the synagogues. They meditate, they sing hymns, they worship in a humble manner. Humility, the thing which, sad to say, few people have. To make matters worse, not many people really care about humility.

No offence to anyone, but true worship is not rock-concert style. Neither is it a party, and neither is it a medium through which you can get high on.

Religion is not physical. People often mistake the overwhelming physical and mental feelings as spiritual euphoria. No, no and no.

Blessed are the poor in spirit. (for definition, see archive March 2006)

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the meek.

Now tell me, how many people realise the lack of spiritualilty in their lives? How many people actually mourn for their own lack of spirituality?

Most importantly, how many people in this world today humbles themselves?

How many people can live their lives without any attachment to this world?

Sad to say, I myself am pretty much attached to this world, but I keep wishing that one day I can be rid of all the devilries of this world. No home, no belongings. Taking my footsteps to wherever the Lord would lead me. Give my all to those in need.

How I wish.

We often forget the importance of true religion, true worship. All people care about are whether the songs they sing are pleasing to the ears. Whether the worship service was fun. People, I tell you.

Go-figure.

random poem.. lol

From amongst the rain and snow,
In this December cold.
I'm trying to forget and let go
Of my past, tales untold.

And untold it shall remain,
Even through the pain.
I'm going insane as again,
I stand in the December rain.

I look upon the snow,
As memories flood back.
I'll never know,
How it feels to be on track.

My mind's a mess,
My soul's in shreds.
People couldn't care less,
I really need a rest from all this trash.

I stooped low,
And sat in the snow.
I guess it's time to get on with the show,
This is showtime, I know.

Up i stood,
Putting on my hood.
Walking into the horizon deep,
As the world silently sleeps.


not really that bad right?? haha i should become a poet one day

the chosen eight.

I recently read the quote, "lead a life worthy of someone's pen". In retrospect, my life is apparently not in the least interesting at all. I am a student, I study, I go home, I sleep. Oh yeah, I eat and drink too. How could my life be worthy of anyone's pen?

I admit that I am what you would call a "weirdo". I probably suffer from depression, often going for days and days on end without even a smile. I think my life is a mess, and I often leave home for an hour just to sit alone at the playground murmuring to myself like an weary old man, sometimes even speaking aloud in lament. Somehow it helps, but that's just me.

I've come upon many strangers in my so-called "ventures" who called me "crazy". Well, more often than not, they say "siao". Depends on which language or dialect you want to use on me, all these people think along the same line, and they are probably right.

I am crazy. But wait.

There is one part of my life worthy of someone's pen. Just one part.

The journey of the chosen eight.

It was indeed a fruitful journey, worthy of reminiscence, and I sincerely thank God for this blessing He had bestowed upon me. Not many people have the priviledge of experiencing something as profound as what we have shared.

Not just the kinship we shared with each other as brothers, but also the satisfaction of loving something so deeply it hurt just to take you out of a game.

I wonder how the writer would begin the story?

"Before he knew it, he was part of the team, but little did he know of the wonderful journey in life that would unfold gracefully over the four years that awaited him. He would emerge a changed person."

Wouldn't be too bad for an introductory sentence eh?

We have experienced much through the years, the pains of early knockout to the elation of winning a championship. Missing the top 4 by one run during sec 1, champions in sec 2, top 8 in sec 3, and 3rd place in sec 4. A colourful picture?

You bet it is.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had not chosen softball as a CCA. Would I have aced my studies instead? Or would I end up a fool, living in ignorance? No one knows, but I feel that the experience I had with CH Softball was truly worth more than all the "A"s you can get in your examinations.

I wouldn't give the experience up for that all elusive 6A1s for the O's. Besides, maybe I would even get that 6 points at the end of this year, who knows? If I keep going at this pace I'm going now, I would be ready for A levels by December.

Alright, I overrated myself. So what?

Come to think of it, everything is going as fast as it came.

Have you ever lay down and looked at the stars? You raise your hand and reach for it, and it feels as if it is within your reach.

It is the same with your dreams. Just believe, and keep chasing it. For all you know, it is within reach after all.

And we come to the part where the writer ends the chapter with a smile on his face.

" 'Adios, mate', he said as he walked away, his shadow fading into the horizon as the sun set upon the earth.

'Goodbye.' "

more funny stuff

sadly i am unable to find the 3rd version of the taiwan baseball thing. sian. i know these arent as funny, but it'll do. haha.

crazy giants.


steroids??


lol.. have fun watching..