Ifs and What Ifs

This morning something decidedly peculiar happened. A phenomena which gives a moderately similar effect when compared to deja vu- realization. Somehow (perhaps through sleep spindles?) it dawned upon me that war was only three weeks away. To be frank, I myself have no words to describe that feeling. Fear? Anxiety? These words cannot cover entirely how I felt (or am feeling now), and I shall only give a pathetic attempt at expressing my feelings.

"Felt like I was going to regurgitate the previous night's dinner."

Personally, everything has passed by so quickly. Four years ago (or was it yesterday?), I was just stepping into school fresh from my "success" in the PSLE. Now, I am three weeks away from the big 'O'. I believe that I have commited myself entirely to this goal, my heart and nerve and sinew. What if I do not achieve what goals I have set for myself? I would be severely upset. Every single day, I have busied myself with numerous practice papers (of varying subjects and school of origin) and worked "tirelessly" through each day. I certainly hope that I would be able to repeat my success in the PSLE. After all, I am going to HCI, and that is a place where I would have to put even more effort to keep up with the rest. A good L1R5 would certainly assist me in doing so.

What if, what if, what if. These words are ceaselessly reverberating in my head at present. I have become more or less paranoid nowadays (which leaves me wondering why I am typing this post when I could be doing something more productive).

Everytime when I study I would place Rudyard Kipling's "If" (thanks Mr Heng) beside me, for easy reference whenever I felt like I was losing pace. Then one day (to be honest, during the church service) it occured to me that I could write another version of "If", and I did. The last stanza was not edited at all, for the true message behind "If" is connotated along its lines. It goes as follows:

If

If you can live- and live life to the fullest;
If you can breathe- and treasure every breath;
If you see life as a journey of faith,
And put in your heart and nerve and sinew;
If you can run the grueling race,
And not slow down nor give up,
Keeping the pace right to the end;

If you can change the world,
And not let the world change you;
If you can live with joy,
And not let sorrow take over;
If you can love and forgive,
selflessly without restraint,
And not giving way to hate;

If you can swallow your pride,
And stoop down low before other men,
Slowly recouping your losses;
If you can defeat yourself,
Again and again all through your life,
Right to the very last second;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue;
Or walk with kings- nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you,
But none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run-
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And which is more- you'll be a Man my son!


God bless you, my friend.