Mixed up.

It feels so weird that something like that's happening right now, just after I resigned myself to the lack of it. Maybe its the chronological proximity that drew such a reaction from me. I'd thought it was a sign. Maybe God was trying to prove me wrong somewhat. Now though I look back at it and it looks like a test for me. It practically SCREAMS get your act together. It was another lesson for me.

He has such unique ways of teaching us. I'd expect that though, after all He did define 'unique' to begin with.

Actually right now, I really feel slightly confused over what to do with things the way they are. Where to go from here? I would very much like to know the answer, but the fact that I'm such a cow really doesn't help. I cannot help it. I just want to feel that way. That feeling that I've lost out on ever since forever. Now that I can feel that way, should I continue on this path just because of it? What if the feeling fades?

I'm afraid to know.

I'm not going to let myself be controlled by feelings and that's that.

勉強

SAMURAI SLASH. What a way to end GEK2022. It was a really useful module, but I'm not too sure about the exams. Gee. The most difficult exam I've had in a while, and my first ever open book exam. Go figure why its so difficult. Anyway, SC1101E yesterday wasn't all that wonderful either. I'm slightly worried about question 4 now that I look back at it. I was purely theorising the number of classes from infinity to 3 to 2. Hope that works on the examiner.

Now on to JS1101E to-morrow. Then.. EL and MNO. Hope things hold on.

Been dying to train. What with watching Major and all. I want to play softball, even baseball, because I love the game. It seems like in Singapore there aren't many people who can understand the desire to go far with a sport, what more support it. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to one day find such a person who understands this.

At any rate, I will give my best. On and off the field. Show the world.

じゃ、またな。

Kecewa

Kecewa, kecewa lagi. Bener2 ga tahan lagi nih. Bodoh amat.

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Thinking too much- when combined with the fact that I'm too naive- adds up to quite a bit of a problem. Is there an off button somewhere?

Nowadays, well, I keep getting the feeling that I'd be better off elsewhere. It may be true that the best will be able to cope in any environment, but I'm nowhere near that level yet. Please give me some time off somewhere away from this nonsense. Maybe I'll find the way sooner.

Keep trying.

To... Zanarkand?

Looks like it. Definitely not to the study table. Go figure. It seems like I study less and less the closer I get to the exams. What awesomeness. I've only covered Japanese history. Hoo boy.

At any rate, lessons have ended, and I seem to suddenly have a lot of time on my hands. I should really go and use this time to train huh. Speaking of which, I went to Towers training today and got the new Towers Japan memorial shirt (which totally looks like the Japan jersey) so that's really nice. After that.. Well, lunch. At Sangokushi Ryoriya at Riverside View or something beside awesome Menya Shinchan. Ate a lot.. Ugh. Overall I had quite a bit of fun though, except for the fact that the field today looked more like a paddy field than a softball field.

Now to study some more.

Beginning and the End

He left. Just like that. One moment here, gone the next.

His limbs... They felt different now. He could move them perfectly. His body felt no more pain, no more aches like which he has felt over the years. His mind was clear. Clearer than ever before. It was like his memories were now laid out in front of him, waiting to be rediscovered.

Around he looked, and there he spotted a clock; unmoving under his curious gaze. It was probably then that he realized that he was no more a being bound by mortality. He could move time at will, and it was effortless. Timelessness was his, but where should he go? Not into the Light. Not yet. He had to do something before he could leave in peace.

He travelled, far and wide, to see them all. One by one. One by one he visited them, and one by one, he said a prayer in his heart. These people he loved deeply, and here he was to see them one last time.

"...I pray all these in the name of the Lord. Amen"

As he prayed for them, their souls cried out to him in agony- in protest- of their lives.

"I'm living in apathy of God right now."
"Work's all piled up. I don't have time!"
"I'm lying to myself."
"I'm a complete, wretched sinner..."

One look, however, and their physical expressions told a different story. They were wearing masks, most of them. So that was what the problem was. Another prayer was in order. Blessings were all he could give, but there he knew that there was Another who would help them.

A smile wrought itself across his face.

"Thank you Lord."

He then touched their souls and left, up and up, into the beautiful realms of which he had believed to exist; welcomed by a Light, embraced by the One.

"It is done. Now rest here in peace, deserving Servant. Reap here the fruits of your labour."

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In memory of a beautiful life, a loving grandfather, and a man pure at heart.

Trust

So much has happened.

Yeah in fact so much has happened I couldn't even find time to breathe easy, much less blog. Happenings, as experience taught, come in two packages. The good and the bad. I've had both. Lots of both, in fact. I'm still reeling from, I don't know, shock? That so many things have happened over such a short period of time, its just overwhelming sometimes.

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Friends. You make some, you lose some. You go on in life, you find out that people aren't so trustworthy anymore. It is appalling- and pitiful, really- that people have to be like that. It really isn't worth getting upset about; except for the fact that I actually bothered to trust, like I would trust any other. My most sincere thanks for breaking the trust I placed, for you have shown me how careless I was with something so precious. My gratitude goes to you, for teaching me a lesson in growing up, for teaching me to be distrusting. I am sure it will take me far in life; but please know that you have robbed something from me which I treasure so dearly. How are you going to pay for that despicable act of yours? You have brought me closer to your level, by taking that priceless treasure away from me. I will try not to let it evolve into hatred, because I know you will face the consequences someday. One fine day.

Meanwhile, take this in. I will never, ever sink to your level. I will not stoop as low as that. I can only hope you see the error in your ways and change. Change, for goodness' sake, or you'll regret it. You'll be such a pathetic, despicable thing for all your life.

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I think that's enough for today. I will continue, but that will be after EL mid-terms. You keep track of evolution, before it gets out of hand. Exactly what I'm trying to do.