go.

the world flies by
i could not watch it go
the stars, the sky
the lights they all go low

the songs, they cry
a heart must take the blow
the shades pass by
the wind it just said 'go'

the sun is shy
it hides away it's glow
the words run dry
i wish it all could flow

but know this sigh
my soul it needs to grow
im not so high
my heart still needs to know

hear the sound of the soul

there must be a place in the world for us.
there must be, and a place not simply good but a place that is home.
I know not what lies ahead but I know this:

an eternal search, a chasing after a silhouette in the horizon.
it knows not fatigue and it knows not shame.
ask, you may, and it perhaps shall be given. or perhaps it shall not.

which do you believe?

simply, the solution of life stands not simply as a solution, but of beautiful words and works crafted by worn hands and a contrite soul. of ravishing refrains sung by eternal voices of smooth gold.

it is this, simply because the road is deadly narrow and the future dim - a mere flickering candle in the darkened distance. seek it true, will you not? or will you perhaps watch it fade into the crumbling night?

sing for me, sing for the songs of old. beyond the beauty, beyond the heart, simply of truth beyond knowledge and a future ever unknown.

walk into the void, courage as steel and relentless. believe. tread the narrow path. hear your voices ring through the night.

watch now the heavens part, watch now the winds succumb. watch now the world oblige.

watch us sing.

Life.

Swallow your dreams; take it like a man. That is what they say; all the time.

But when the world brings you but unknowns and variables, the strongest men wilt and the tides of change sweep us off our feet. The world knows not what it does.

Do you?

They say the winds of change can be harvested, the sands of time calmed. They promise you the sky and beyond, when they know not what they promise of. Trust, you can. Hurt, you also can. Know, can you know?

They tell you a million things, a billion things, all about your life and the world around you. They tell you what you want to know; rather they tell you what to want. They tell you what a good life means and they tell you what you need.

They know not of your heart, the yearnings of your soul, and the hunger in your veins. The stream of hope and love, of legendary passion, of a miracle merely unlived. What future awaits us, had this stream been freely flowing?

Life waits not for man, and truly, no future waits for you. You fight, no flight, you slice and dice it all out. No life is unable, no passion for naught. The future is your choice.

They speak of what they believe in, they believe in what they speak of. The cycle never falls to black; the tyranny of repetition sells your heart.

I believe in truth; in care and in love. In light beyond darkness, hearts beyond minds. In unity above battles, and in the never-ending flow of hope within the confines of all our souls – merely trapped, never vanquished.

Awake. Sing. Rejoice and smile at the beauty of this world before you fall any further. 

Pick yourself up. Never let you go.

Live.

'Til I Hear You Sing

Ten long years

Living a mere facade of life

Ten long years

Wasting my time on smoke and noise

Ten long years
Happened in less than five
Ten long years
Taking my life out without poise

In my mind
I hear melodies pure and unearthly
But I find
I can't give them a voice without you

In my mind
I see a precious life lived gracefully
But I find
I can't live it right like you do

My Christine, my Christine
Lost and gone, lost and gone

Life pristine, life pristine,
lost and gone, lost and gone

The day starts
The day ends
Time crawls by

Night steals in pacing the floor
The moments creep
Yet I can't bear to sleep
'Til I hear you sing

'Til I hear you sing

'Til I live my song.

"Hear again the sound of my heart,
The sound that resonates,
With the heart of the lost.

The song that courses through my veins,
And yet beyond my knowledge;
Left to devices beyond control."

I wake only to weep,
And weep to live again.
Life shall proceed as life,
I lack, I fail, I do not live.

But hope I have found;
So near, yet so far.
A life I wish could be,
But might never see.

Oh dare I take that step?
So sweet, yet so far.
A life I wish could be,
But might never see.

My heart beats with every word,
My soul sings with every line,
My mind marvels at every step,
A life I wished could be.

I will curse the day I did not do,
What my heart commands me to.

Library Worm

And so life goes on, except this year I am going to the party dressed as a library worm (and really acting the part), which isn't really anything bad except that with these things come a trade-off and its beginning to show up slightly in my psychology.

Ohwell.

Doh

So I was looking through my old posts thanks to Messi who wanted to read some of my short stories!

Its so weird how I'd forgotten what I've written in the past. Like I'd read this random emo post with a message hidden in between the lines and I couldn't for the life of me remember what was going on in between the lines! Gee, to think that all these things are but 4-5 years away. It is quite disturbing really what you forget in the span of 5 years.

Now that its raining and quiet at home I finally get some time to play piano (albeit being a terrible amateur) and think about things. Well as is always the case, I kinda came to the conclusion that I was stupid to have done and said certain things that were better left unsaid because the circumstances were just too screwed up anyway. Well I can't take back whatever's been said and done right? So I told myself I'd do my best to right the wrong and hopefully make things better. Nobody can get through life without making a mistake, and this would probably seem so trivial in like 1-2 years when hopefully I come back and reread this post.

Message for the future me: Jo you know you have always been trying your best in life, to be a good friend, good son, good brother good student, good athlete, good whatever; and there is no reason for you to stop trying because what you have is precious. I hope you haven't changed too much in that aspect (: It doesn't matter what negative things people say about you, you're simply trying your best in life to be your true self. You might feel low sometimes, feel like there's no way out, feel like nobody cares, but those feelings are lies you will get through. Live through every now with conviction!

ISAZHYFMALH.

Within a month, I'd probably will forget what that thing stands for anyway.

Living Alone

Just had a chat with Yeri today. He's all alone in Jakarta now, and it will be so for a few years to come.

He's feeling... Sad. Obviously. Staring at the ceiling and thinking about the fragility of life. People do that a lot when they're alone and have nothing to do. Well at least I do. Been home alone for a few days myself... I can't think what Mum has to go through every single day we go to school and only return at night. She definitely deserves more than that.

It scares me, these few days alone. Scares me a lot.

One day, when I have to leave everyone to chase my dreams.

Will I be strong enough to hold on?

If 2 days alone can amount to an emotional roller coaster (my fault, really),

What can 3 years do?

I have to be strong.

Only then will Mum and Dad be able to let me go without worrying too much.

For now, I'll keep trying to live my life the best I can.

RAWR.

Ah.

And again a long punctuation from updating ensues. Haven't written much in my journal either. I guess that's kind of like the university effect. You really lose time when you're in university (how about an extra 2 and a half hours a day in travelling?), and somehow the activities take up more of your day (because mornings are usually spent sleeping- lessons are mostly in the afternoon). Now guess what, my update comes right in the middle of the exam period. Pretty much the only time when I'm really free this semester. Weird.

Experiencing this thing that has been a continuously recurring perspective- that some things can only be learnt by getting older. Maybe you're 20 now, maybe 16. I don't care how old you are, but look at the past year, maybe two or three. You're definitely a different person somehow. Can't escape it, but age brings with it additional opportunities (I refrain from using the word 'risk') that cannot be gained any way else.

These opportunities can come in the form of a shift in perspective (what they call maturity), a fateful moment (or critical moment, depending on which framework you fall under), or maybe just the increased exposure to peers who are very much different. No longer are you able to stick much with those of your 'kind', but you are unknowingly thrown into this sea of weak ties so ephemeral I think a goldfish's memory might last longer.

Well, talking about the strength of weak ties, I would like to propose a refinement of the theory. Not only will weak ties bring about more opportunities, it will too bring about increased risk. My proof? Just look at where our type zero community is heading (thanks Dr. Kaku). Exposure this, exposure that, social media and all that comes with it; online communities are bringing about a revolution (if it isn't here yet- unlikely) that will place its emphasis on the seasonal vanity imposed on modern humanity, yet another temporary tool of adaptation in the concrete jungle unnecessary for human subsistence. Capitalism sure does a hell lot for humanity. To humanity, rather.

I knew I was meant to be born a farmer. Always loved the countryside. Even better, maybe I can have my own ballpark in the backyard. Or maybe in the corn fields, like the one I visualised somewhere in distant memory. It'd be swell. Then maybe I'd have been leading the life with conditions even royalty would be envious of (if they could see the value in it).

Then of course, lame fantasizing has no utility to the present. Love your life as it is now, and make every moment you have a conscious one.

After NM to-morrow, let's see what life's got in store for me (other than Cliff Lee's start).

父の誕生日と日本人大会

日本語は難しいですね…今週のテストはまだ勉強が、分かりません今週いつ勉強します。絶対にKOですよ…

大学生の生活は多忙だ！でも、先週はとても面白いですよ。三月六日（土）父の誕生日ですが、母と私はいっしょにバタムへ行きました。父もう五十八歳ですね…時間は動くことで速い！も二年は六十歳ね。今父も忙しいだ、それからバタムの学校は全部に父の責任！五十八歳多忙の生命難しいね…

先週の日曜日はタワーズと今年第一の日本人大会、も岡田さん最後の大会です。それではタワーズQチーム優勝！十一月の日本人会大会、十二月のファストピッチ大会、そして今回の日本人会大会、タワーズが三連覇！タワーズはシンガポール第一の三連覇の日本人チームですか？とてもすばらしい！昨日の大会はQチームすごいよ。チームのバッチング毎試合平均六点です、ヂィフェンスは毎試合一点。すごいのスコア、すばらしいの大会ですよ。

第一の試合はジャンがルーベアズ、得点は九対零。
第二の試合はNYK、得点は四対零。
第三の試合はNMR、全然恐いの試合ですよ。NMRの一番バッタJACKはすばらしいホームランですが、試合始めるNMR第一のバッチングは本当にプレッシャですね！でも、最後の得点は四対一です。
最後の試合はあぶさんAチーム、「No problem」ですよ。皆さんのバッチングはすごいね。最後の得点は七対一です。

日本人大会はタワーズ優勝!　島本さんコーチのシーニア子供チームイガルファイヴも優勝ですよ。

日曜日はとても楽しい一日！次のゲームは頑張りましょう！

CNY

Well, well. It feels like I've been posting a lot from airports nowadays. Oh man. I really travel quite a bit nowadays.

Well anyway, its Chinese New Year this time, and I'm currently in Changi Airport Terminal One waiting for my plane to Jakarta. I will be away until Tuesday, so yeah. Still contactable on my Singapore number.

To all of you reading this, well. Have an awesome Chinese New Year! We only get these festivities once a year, up to a maximum of a hundred or so in our lifetime. That's not a lot, once you come to think about it. Make the best out of it and have an awesome awesome week (:

Take care everyone!

Chiang Mai Open 2009

Was played in 2010. For the loss.

Haha so it was my fourth time there, and this time its with the NUS team. It was fun! Like, really really fun. Maybe its because its the first time I'm on an overseas trip without any 'adult supervision'. It kinda makes a difference to the mood you know, whether you're living in fear of doing something wrong or not! Come on, look at how restricted the Raffles team were! It was one of those times that I really felt free for a period as long as a week. Plus, we won the tournament! How cool is that. Haha. Even though the opponents were not so much of a challenge.

Anyway, I brought my camera but I didn't really take pictures, which was kinda wasteful, but I really immersed myself in the experience, which was awesomely awesome. Haha. I got the videos of the fireworks though! Will post those up on facebook soon. Lessons have started now and I really feel like Chiang Mai was nothing more than a dream, but apparently it wasn't because I can clearly remember whatever happened there, along with the pictures to back them up! Hurrah we should like go again this year and have fun again!

It all started kinda weirdly terrible though because the dumb airplane was delayed by 2 hours! Because there was something wrong with the wing apparently, so in the end everyone was stuffed onto the same plane from Bangkok to Chiang Mai! BUT it wouldn't have made a difference anyway because I was stuffed at the back of the plane with some thai guy even though I was the first batch to be on that plane! Grr! Discrimination! Anyway every single flight I took on this trip I sat alone, except for the first flight I sat with kiam, and we watched House season 6 episode 1. It was nice! Maybe I should watch the other seasons too.

We stayed at Holiday Garden Hotel, which was actually REALLY crowded. Now, that's not too good because there were really a lot of people at breakfasts, but it was also good because the HK team was also staying at the same hotel!! Awesome. Haha.

They're like all really tall, and almost all of them have the same body type (lanky blabla) so they're naturally going to be good at softball I guess. Which is why their pitching style works for them! They can afford to hold their weight back because they have the circumference enough to attack fast enough. Which is why their method would probably not work, unless I have a full instructional under Mr. Johnny for at least 2 months. So for now, the ideas are stored, but the possibility of changing style is definitely a zero.

And so it was, that we busted through every single one of our matches hitting like crazy. It really is funny how NUS guys can only hit well in real games, but I'm not complaining. The bitter truth, however, is that we will be completely wiped out once we meet a team with a good pitcher. Our only scoring tool in the whole Chiang Mai Open was hit-dependent, and that will be terribly difficult to reproduce once we face a good pitcher. Oh well. Anyway we were champions! Hurrah. We should get more subsidy this year!

Enough of the softball serious-y stuff! One of the most interesting things I did through the whole tournament was to hang on the back almost every single trip! It was awesome awesome. I can only recall the awesome feeling as we tumbled downhill, round and round, through the mountain roads. The wind was SO refreshing and so surreal now that I look back. Ah. I miss that a lot. What with Singapore weather the way it is right now. Another interesting thing that I did would be all the night training sessions with Eric. Well even though he forgot most of the stuff he learnt then, it was still a good practise for me in teaching the details of batting. Or maybe it helped that he's an engineering student. At any rate, it was the case that I could teach him quite nicely, but I couldn't practise much of what I preached because I know I was too preoccupied with trying too hard that i forgot just what batting was all about. Well, too bad I guess. There's always next year. I'll be all relaxed and ready to kick butt.

And there was the temple. Actually it was quite a nice place but all I could be bothered with was the food there. HAHA. So awesome. There was the corn, the 100% orange juice, the waffle, the nice view of chiang mai, and the nice coconut. Oh and the rainbow ice creams! There's proof of that :D Tumble, tumble, tumble, and we would all go to Thai Kitchen for the next serving of pad thai and pork knuckles (which I got terribly sick of) before whatever's next on the schedule. The good life. $4 meals to fill even a hungry bear's stomach.

Oh and Eric got whacked in the face and fractured a bit of his nose (don't forget his super speedy recovery from the hit, and the literally bloody "I'm okay, I'm okay"), and managed to get a 200 baht x-ray? Oh GOSH I would love to have a good x-ray check, given that it costed only $8. Bummer. Waffles. HAHA almost every night we would go for waffles! 7-eleven, too. Retail therapy session with roommate Eric! We spend like 450 baht on a single receipt which was like 53804923 metres long when it got printed out. Plus we got like 52431423 promotional stickers! Woohoo. I kinda understand the whole theory behind retail therapy now I think. It felt SO good. Of course, the night market at walking street was so much nicer an experience (even though I didn't buy much). That was the first time I walked around with aunty sanny! It was quite fun, and really funny too. In the end we opted to stay in the market longer because we couldn't get enough of it! Hawhaw. Walking street was great :D and I won't forget the popsicles, coconut ice cream, mango with sticky rice (thanks jiaqian! :D), and the amazing race feeling as we raced down the street at the rate which stalls were closing down and trying to do some shopping before they really closed. Now I look back at it and boy were we lucky the stalls didn't close earlier!

On New Year's day we played FIREWORKS hurrah! I want to play again! It was just really awesome, especially when we saw the myriads of lanterns being let go from another venue. It really lined the sky so nicely. Tried to take a picture of it, and got some pretty decent ones. One thing's for sure though, nothing will ever match seeing the real thing with your own eyes! Lanterns and fireworks were everywhere in the sky. How awesome!

We played paintball too! It was the first time I ever played paintball. I had 2 kills! I don't know who (no one owned up) but it was really fun. Maybe we'll get to play again soon. Next trip we should just dump the guy with the most strikeouts on the bungee and we can all have a good laugh :D

Oh gosh I can't quite remember what else we did over in Chiang Mai. There were really just too many things o.O maybe I'll even write another post if I have the time.

Unlikely. HAHA. I'll update again soon! Its week 4 of school ohmygosh.

Goodbye

I don't know if I'll get a chance to update at the airport, or even in Chiang Mai. So.. Here's a short goodbye for everyone (:

Hope you had a very happy Christmas, and a good New Year coming up. 2009 sure went by quickly, and there will surely be many challenges to come in 2010 (big or small) but hang in there! If some lame dude like me is holding on to his dream, I don't see any reason why anyone wouldn't be able to do the very same.

I will keep chasing this dream of mine until I really really lose it. Hopefully never. Wish me luck for Chiang Mai Open, hopefully we will win something, and hopefully I will be another step closer to my dream.

I'll still be able to receive your messages, so if there's anything, message and I will try to get back to you asap.

If you're reading this. You are the Resistance. Ha. Be back 05/01/10 at night (:

Gwah

My mind is clear now. Or so it seems. I have made a decision and I will stick to it. This is for the best, although it might seem like it isn't.

Gosh its just slightly more than a week away from Christmas. What a year it has been. As usual though, I'll be ending it away from home, but I think I'll be feeling at home alright. The diamond's more than home enough for me, although it is only a secondary home.

Keep training hard. You won't regret it.

(=.=) .......

So it had to end that way. Must have taken a lot of effort.

I guess I didn't help much either.

That's why I was such a bum from the start. Can't trust myself enough to face these problems on my own. I think that's called running away, but... I think I've got no choice. Not right now anyway.

Goodbye.

Mixed up.

It feels so weird that something like that's happening right now, just after I resigned myself to the lack of it. Maybe its the chronological proximity that drew such a reaction from me. I'd thought it was a sign. Maybe God was trying to prove me wrong somewhat. Now though I look back at it and it looks like a test for me. It practically SCREAMS get your act together. It was another lesson for me.

He has such unique ways of teaching us. I'd expect that though, after all He did define 'unique' to begin with.

Actually right now, I really feel slightly confused over what to do with things the way they are. Where to go from here? I would very much like to know the answer, but the fact that I'm such a cow really doesn't help. I cannot help it. I just want to feel that way. That feeling that I've lost out on ever since forever. Now that I can feel that way, should I continue on this path just because of it? What if the feeling fades?

I'm afraid to know.

I'm not going to let myself be controlled by feelings and that's that.

勉強

SAMURAI SLASH. What a way to end GEK2022. It was a really useful module, but I'm not too sure about the exams. Gee. The most difficult exam I've had in a while, and my first ever open book exam. Go figure why its so difficult. Anyway, SC1101E yesterday wasn't all that wonderful either. I'm slightly worried about question 4 now that I look back at it. I was purely theorising the number of classes from infinity to 3 to 2. Hope that works on the examiner.

Now on to JS1101E to-morrow. Then.. EL and MNO. Hope things hold on.

Been dying to train. What with watching Major and all. I want to play softball, even baseball, because I love the game. It seems like in Singapore there aren't many people who can understand the desire to go far with a sport, what more support it. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to one day find such a person who understands this.

At any rate, I will give my best. On and off the field. Show the world.

じゃ、またな。

Kecewa

Kecewa, kecewa lagi. Bener2 ga tahan lagi nih. Bodoh amat.

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Thinking too much- when combined with the fact that I'm too naive- adds up to quite a bit of a problem. Is there an off button somewhere?

Nowadays, well, I keep getting the feeling that I'd be better off elsewhere. It may be true that the best will be able to cope in any environment, but I'm nowhere near that level yet. Please give me some time off somewhere away from this nonsense. Maybe I'll find the way sooner.

Keep trying.

To... Zanarkand?

Looks like it. Definitely not to the study table. Go figure. It seems like I study less and less the closer I get to the exams. What awesomeness. I've only covered Japanese history. Hoo boy.

At any rate, lessons have ended, and I seem to suddenly have a lot of time on my hands. I should really go and use this time to train huh. Speaking of which, I went to Towers training today and got the new Towers Japan memorial shirt (which totally looks like the Japan jersey) so that's really nice. After that.. Well, lunch. At Sangokushi Ryoriya at Riverside View or something beside awesome Menya Shinchan. Ate a lot.. Ugh. Overall I had quite a bit of fun though, except for the fact that the field today looked more like a paddy field than a softball field.

Now to study some more.

Beginning and the End

He left. Just like that. One moment here, gone the next.

His limbs... They felt different now. He could move them perfectly. His body felt no more pain, no more aches like which he has felt over the years. His mind was clear. Clearer than ever before. It was like his memories were now laid out in front of him, waiting to be rediscovered.

Around he looked, and there he spotted a clock; unmoving under his curious gaze. It was probably then that he realized that he was no more a being bound by mortality. He could move time at will, and it was effortless. Timelessness was his, but where should he go? Not into the Light. Not yet. He had to do something before he could leave in peace.

He travelled, far and wide, to see them all. One by one. One by one he visited them, and one by one, he said a prayer in his heart. These people he loved deeply, and here he was to see them one last time.

"...I pray all these in the name of the Lord. Amen"

As he prayed for them, their souls cried out to him in agony- in protest- of their lives.

"I'm living in apathy of God right now."
"Work's all piled up. I don't have time!"
"I'm lying to myself."
"I'm a complete, wretched sinner..."

One look, however, and their physical expressions told a different story. They were wearing masks, most of them. So that was what the problem was. Another prayer was in order. Blessings were all he could give, but there he knew that there was Another who would help them.

A smile wrought itself across his face.

"Thank you Lord."

He then touched their souls and left, up and up, into the beautiful realms of which he had believed to exist; welcomed by a Light, embraced by the One.

"It is done. Now rest here in peace, deserving Servant. Reap here the fruits of your labour."

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In memory of a beautiful life, a loving grandfather, and a man pure at heart.