proud to wear these scars

Library Worm

2011-02-21T09:11:00.000-08:00

And so life goes on, except this year I am going to the party dressed as a library worm (and really acting the part), which isn't really anything bad except that with these things come a trade-off and its beginning to show up slightly in my psychology.

Ohwell.

Doh

2010-09-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

So I was looking through my old posts thanks to Messi who wanted to read some of my short stories!

Its so weird how I'd forgotten what I've written in the past. Like I'd read this random emo post with a message hidden in between the lines and I couldn't for the life of me remember what was going on in between the lines! Gee, to think that all these things are but 4-5 years away. It is quite disturbing really what you forget in the span of 5 years.

Now that its raining and quiet at home I finally get some time to play piano (albeit being a terrible amateur) and think about things. Well as is always the case, I kinda came to the conclusion that I was stupid to have done and said certain things that were better left unsaid because the circumstances were just too screwed up anyway. Well I can't take back whatever's been said and done right? So I told myself I'd do my best to right the wrong and hopefully make things better. Nobody can get through life without making a mistake, and this would probably seem so trivial in like 1-2 years when hopefully I come back and reread this post.

Message for the future me: Jo you know you have always been trying your best in life, to be a good friend, good son, good brother good student, good athlete, good whatever; and there is no reason for you to stop trying because what you have is precious. I hope you haven't changed too much in that aspect (: It doesn't matter what negative things people say about you, you're simply trying your best in life to be your true self. You might feel low sometimes, feel like there's no way out, feel like nobody cares, but those feelings are lies you will get through. Live through every now with conviction!

ISAZHYFMALH.

Within a month, I'd probably will forget what that thing stands for anyway.

Living Alone

2010-08-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

Just had a chat with Yeri today. He's all alone in Jakarta now, and it will be so for a few years to come.

He's feeling... Sad. Obviously. Staring at the ceiling and thinking about the fragility of life. People do that a lot when they're alone and have nothing to do. Well at least I do. Been home alone for a few days myself... I can't think what Mum has to go through every single day we go to school and only return at night. She definitely deserves more than that.

It scares me, these few days alone. Scares me a lot.

One day, when I have to leave everyone to chase my dreams.

Will I be strong enough to hold on?

If 2 days alone can amount to an emotional roller coaster (my fault, really),

What can 3 years do?

I have to be strong.

Only then will Mum and Dad be able to let me go without worrying too much.

For now, I'll keep trying to live my life the best I can.

RAWR.

Ah.

2010-04-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

And again a long punctuation from updating ensues. Haven't written much in my journal either. I guess that's kind of like the university effect. You really lose time when you're in university (how about an extra 2 and a half hours a day in travelling?), and somehow the activities take up more of your day (because mornings are usually spent sleeping- lessons are mostly in the afternoon). Now guess what, my update comes right in the middle of the exam period. Pretty much the only time when I'm really free this semester. Weird.

Experiencing this thing that has been a continuously recurring perspective- that some things can only be learnt by getting older. Maybe you're 20 now, maybe 16. I don't care how old you are, but look at the past year, maybe two or three. You're definitely a different person somehow. Can't escape it, but age brings with it additional opportunities (I refrain from using the word 'risk') that cannot be gained any way else.

These opportunities can come in the form of a shift in perspective (what they call maturity), a fateful moment (or critical moment, depending on which framework you fall under), or maybe just the increased exposure to peers who are very much different. No longer are you able to stick much with those of your 'kind', but you are unknowingly thrown into this sea of weak ties so ephemeral I think a goldfish's memory might last longer.

Well, talking about the strength of weak ties, I would like to propose a refinement of the theory. Not only will weak ties bring about more opportunities, it will too bring about increased risk. My proof? Just look at where our type zero community is heading (thanks Dr. Kaku). Exposure this, exposure that, social media and all that comes with it; online communities are bringing about a revolution (if it isn't here yet- unlikely) that will place its emphasis on the seasonal vanity imposed on modern humanity, yet another temporary tool of adaptation in the concrete jungle unnecessary for human subsistence. Capitalism sure does a hell lot for humanity. To humanity, rather.

I knew I was meant to be born a farmer. Always loved the countryside. Even better, maybe I can have my own ballpark in the backyard. Or maybe in the corn fields, like the one I visualised somewhere in distant memory. It'd be swell. Then maybe I'd have been leading the life with conditions even royalty would be envious of (if they could see the value in it).

Then of course, lame fantasizing has no utility to the present. Love your life as it is now, and make every moment you have a conscious one.

After NM to-morrow, let's see what life's got in store for me (other than Cliff Lee's start).

父の誕生日と日本人大会

2010-03-07T23:03:00.000-08:00

日本語は難しいですね…今週のテストはまだ勉強が、分かりません今週いつ勉強します。絶対にKOですよ…

大学生の生活は多忙だ！でも、先週はとても面白いですよ。三月六日（土）父の誕生日ですが、母と私はいっしょにバタムへ行きました。父もう五十八歳ですね…時間は動くことで速い！も二年は六十歳ね。今父も忙しいだ、それからバタムの学校は全部に父の責任！五十八歳多忙の生命難しいね…

先週の日曜日はタワーズと今年第一の日本人大会、も岡田さん最後の大会です。それではタワーズQチーム優勝！十一月の日本人会大会、十二月のファストピッチ大会、そして今回の日本人会大会、タワーズが三連覇！タワーズはシンガポール第一の三連覇の日本人チームですか？とてもすばらしい！昨日の大会はQチームすごいよ。チームのバッチング毎試合平均六点です、ヂィフェンスは毎試合一点。すごいのスコア、すばらしいの大会ですよ。

第一の試合はジャンがルーベアズ、得点は九対零。
第二の試合はNYK、得点は四対零。
第三の試合はNMR、全然恐いの試合ですよ。NMRの一番バッタJACKはすばらしいホームランですが、試合始めるNMR第一のバッチングは本当にプレッシャですね！でも、最後の得点は四対一です。
最後の試合はあぶさんAチーム、「No problem」ですよ。皆さんのバッチングはすごいね。最後の得点は七対一です。

日本人大会はタワーズ優勝!　島本さんコーチのシーニア子供チームイガルファイヴも優勝ですよ。

日曜日はとても楽しい一日！次のゲームは頑張りましょう！

CNY

2010-02-11T22:54:00.000-08:00

Well, well. It feels like I've been posting a lot from airports nowadays. Oh man. I really travel quite a bit nowadays.

Well anyway, its Chinese New Year this time, and I'm currently in Changi Airport Terminal One waiting for my plane to Jakarta. I will be away until Tuesday, so yeah. Still contactable on my Singapore number.

To all of you reading this, well. Have an awesome Chinese New Year! We only get these festivities once a year, up to a maximum of a hundred or so in our lifetime. That's not a lot, once you come to think about it. Make the best out of it and have an awesome awesome week (:

Take care everyone!

Chiang Mai Open 2009

2010-01-10T04:38:00.000-08:00

Was played in 2010. For the loss.

Haha so it was my fourth time there, and this time its with the NUS team. It was fun! Like, really really fun. Maybe its because its the first time I'm on an overseas trip without any 'adult supervision'. It kinda makes a difference to the mood you know, whether you're living in fear of doing something wrong or not! Come on, look at how restricted the Raffles team were! It was one of those times that I really felt free for a period as long as a week. Plus, we won the tournament! How cool is that. Haha. Even though the opponents were not so much of a challenge.

Anyway, I brought my camera but I didn't really take pictures, which was kinda wasteful, but I really immersed myself in the experience, which was awesomely awesome. Haha. I got the videos of the fireworks though! Will post those up on facebook soon. Lessons have started now and I really feel like Chiang Mai was nothing more than a dream, but apparently it wasn't because I can clearly remember whatever happened there, along with the pictures to back them up! Hurrah we should like go again this year and have fun again!

It all started kinda weirdly terrible though because the dumb airplane was delayed by 2 hours! Because there was something wrong with the wing apparently, so in the end everyone was stuffed onto the same plane from Bangkok to Chiang Mai! BUT it wouldn't have made a difference anyway because I was stuffed at the back of the plane with some thai guy even though I was the first batch to be on that plane! Grr! Discrimination! Anyway every single flight I took on this trip I sat alone, except for the first flight I sat with kiam, and we watched House season 6 episode 1. It was nice! Maybe I should watch the other seasons too.

We stayed at Holiday Garden Hotel, which was actually REALLY crowded. Now, that's not too good because there were really a lot of people at breakfasts, but it was also good because the HK team was also staying at the same hotel!! Awesome. Haha.

They're like all really tall, and almost all of them have the same body type (lanky blabla) so they're naturally going to be good at softball I guess. Which is why their pitching style works for them! They can afford to hold their weight back because they have the circumference enough to attack fast enough. Which is why their method would probably not work, unless I have a full instructional under Mr. Johnny for at least 2 months. So for now, the ideas are stored, but the possibility of changing style is definitely a zero.

And so it was, that we busted through every single one of our matches hitting like crazy. It really is funny how NUS guys can only hit well in real games, but I'm not complaining. The bitter truth, however, is that we will be completely wiped out once we meet a team with a good pitcher. Our only scoring tool in the whole Chiang Mai Open was hit-dependent, and that will be terribly difficult to reproduce once we face a good pitcher. Oh well. Anyway we were champions! Hurrah. We should get more subsidy this year!

Enough of the softball serious-y stuff! One of the most interesting things I did through the whole tournament was to hang on the back almost every single trip! It was awesome awesome. I can only recall the awesome feeling as we tumbled downhill, round and round, through the mountain roads. The wind was SO refreshing and so surreal now that I look back. Ah. I miss that a lot. What with Singapore weather the way it is right now. Another interesting thing that I did would be all the night training sessions with Eric. Well even though he forgot most of the stuff he learnt then, it was still a good practise for me in teaching the details of batting. Or maybe it helped that he's an engineering student. At any rate, it was the case that I could teach him quite nicely, but I couldn't practise much of what I preached because I know I was too preoccupied with trying too hard that i forgot just what batting was all about. Well, too bad I guess. There's always next year. I'll be all relaxed and ready to kick butt.

And there was the temple. Actually it was quite a nice place but all I could be bothered with was the food there. HAHA. So awesome. There was the corn, the 100% orange juice, the waffle, the nice view of chiang mai, and the nice coconut. Oh and the rainbow ice creams! There's proof of that :D Tumble, tumble, tumble, and we would all go to Thai Kitchen for the next serving of pad thai and pork knuckles (which I got terribly sick of) before whatever's next on the schedule. The good life. $4 meals to fill even a hungry bear's stomach.

Oh and Eric got whacked in the face and fractured a bit of his nose (don't forget his super speedy recovery from the hit, and the literally bloody "I'm okay, I'm okay"), and managed to get a 200 baht x-ray? Oh GOSH I would love to have a good x-ray check, given that it costed only $8. Bummer. Waffles. HAHA almost every night we would go for waffles! 7-eleven, too. Retail therapy session with roommate Eric! We spend like 450 baht on a single receipt which was like 53804923 metres long when it got printed out. Plus we got like 52431423 promotional stickers! Woohoo. I kinda understand the whole theory behind retail therapy now I think. It felt SO good. Of course, the night market at walking street was so much nicer an experience (even though I didn't buy much). That was the first time I walked around with aunty sanny! It was quite fun, and really funny too. In the end we opted to stay in the market longer because we couldn't get enough of it! Hawhaw. Walking street was great :D and I won't forget the popsicles, coconut ice cream, mango with sticky rice (thanks jiaqian! :D), and the amazing race feeling as we raced down the street at the rate which stalls were closing down and trying to do some shopping before they really closed. Now I look back at it and boy were we lucky the stalls didn't close earlier!

On New Year's day we played FIREWORKS hurrah! I want to play again! It was just really awesome, especially when we saw the myriads of lanterns being let go from another venue. It really lined the sky so nicely. Tried to take a picture of it, and got some pretty decent ones. One thing's for sure though, nothing will ever match seeing the real thing with your own eyes! Lanterns and fireworks were everywhere in the sky. How awesome!

We played paintball too! It was the first time I ever played paintball. I had 2 kills! I don't know who (no one owned up) but it was really fun. Maybe we'll get to play again soon. Next trip we should just dump the guy with the most strikeouts on the bungee and we can all have a good laugh :D

Oh gosh I can't quite remember what else we did over in Chiang Mai. There were really just too many things o.O maybe I'll even write another post if I have the time.

Unlikely. HAHA. I'll update again soon! Its week 4 of school ohmygosh.

Goodbye

2009-12-28T05:24:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I'll get a chance to update at the airport, or even in Chiang Mai. So.. Here's a short goodbye for everyone (:

Hope you had a very happy Christmas, and a good New Year coming up. 2009 sure went by quickly, and there will surely be many challenges to come in 2010 (big or small) but hang in there! If some lame dude like me is holding on to his dream, I don't see any reason why anyone wouldn't be able to do the very same.

I will keep chasing this dream of mine until I really really lose it. Hopefully never. Wish me luck for Chiang Mai Open, hopefully we will win something, and hopefully I will be another step closer to my dream.

I'll still be able to receive your messages, so if there's anything, message and I will try to get back to you asap.

If you're reading this. You are the Resistance. Ha. Be back 05/01/10 at night (:

Gwah

2009-12-16T05:43:00.000-08:00

My mind is clear now. Or so it seems. I have made a decision and I will stick to it. This is for the best, although it might seem like it isn't.

Gosh its just slightly more than a week away from Christmas. What a year it has been. As usual though, I'll be ending it away from home, but I think I'll be feeling at home alright. The diamond's more than home enough for me, although it is only a secondary home.

Keep training hard. You won't regret it.

(=.=) .......

2009-12-09T05:06:00.000-08:00

So it had to end that way. Must have taken a lot of effort.

I guess I didn't help much either.

That's why I was such a bum from the start. Can't trust myself enough to face these problems on my own. I think that's called running away, but... I think I've got no choice. Not right now anyway.

Goodbye.

Mixed up.

2009-12-05T05:43:00.000-08:00

It feels so weird that something like that's happening right now, just after I resigned myself to the lack of it. Maybe its the chronological proximity that drew such a reaction from me. I'd thought it was a sign. Maybe God was trying to prove me wrong somewhat. Now though I look back at it and it looks like a test for me. It practically SCREAMS get your act together. It was another lesson for me.

He has such unique ways of teaching us. I'd expect that though, after all He did define 'unique' to begin with.

Actually right now, I really feel slightly confused over what to do with things the way they are. Where to go from here? I would very much like to know the answer, but the fact that I'm such a cow really doesn't help. I cannot help it. I just want to feel that way. That feeling that I've lost out on ever since forever. Now that I can feel that way, should I continue on this path just because of it? What if the feeling fades?

I'm afraid to know.

2009-12-02T22:46:00.001-08:00

I'm not going to let myself be controlled by feelings and that's that.

勉強

2009-11-25T05:28:00.000-08:00

SAMURAI SLASH. What a way to end GEK2022. It was a really useful module, but I'm not too sure about the exams. Gee. The most difficult exam I've had in a while, and my first ever open book exam. Go figure why its so difficult. Anyway, SC1101E yesterday wasn't all that wonderful either. I'm slightly worried about question 4 now that I look back at it. I was purely theorising the number of classes from infinity to 3 to 2. Hope that works on the examiner.

Now on to JS1101E to-morrow. Then.. EL and MNO. Hope things hold on.

Been dying to train. What with watching Major and all. I want to play softball, even baseball, because I love the game. It seems like in Singapore there aren't many people who can understand the desire to go far with a sport, what more support it. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to one day find such a person who understands this.

At any rate, I will give my best. On and off the field. Show the world.

じゃ、またな。

Kecewa

2009-11-16T02:43:00.000-08:00

Kecewa, kecewa lagi. Bener2 ga tahan lagi nih. Bodoh amat.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Thinking too much- when combined with the fact that I'm too naive- adds up to quite a bit of a problem. Is there an off button somewhere?

Nowadays, well, I keep getting the feeling that I'd be better off elsewhere. It may be true that the best will be able to cope in any environment, but I'm nowhere near that level yet. Please give me some time off somewhere away from this nonsense. Maybe I'll find the way sooner.

Keep trying.

To... Zanarkand?

2009-11-13T03:01:00.001-08:00

Looks like it. Definitely not to the study table. Go figure. It seems like I study less and less the closer I get to the exams. What awesomeness. I've only covered Japanese history. Hoo boy.

At any rate, lessons have ended, and I seem to suddenly have a lot of time on my hands. I should really go and use this time to train huh. Speaking of which, I went to Towers training today and got the new Towers Japan memorial shirt (which totally looks like the Japan jersey) so that's really nice. After that.. Well, lunch. At Sangokushi Ryoriya at Riverside View or something beside awesome Menya Shinchan. Ate a lot.. Ugh. Overall I had quite a bit of fun though, except for the fact that the field today looked more like a paddy field than a softball field.

Now to study some more.

Beginning and the End

2009-11-02T05:52:00.000-08:00

He left. Just like that. One moment here, gone the next.

His limbs... They felt different now. He could move them perfectly. His body felt no more pain, no more aches like which he has felt over the years. His mind was clear. Clearer than ever before. It was like his memories were now laid out in front of him, waiting to be rediscovered.

Around he looked, and there he spotted a clock; unmoving under his curious gaze. It was probably then that he realized that he was no more a being bound by mortality. He could move time at will, and it was effortless. Timelessness was his, but where should he go? Not into the Light. Not yet. He had to do something before he could leave in peace.

He travelled, far and wide, to see them all. One by one. One by one he visited them, and one by one, he said a prayer in his heart. These people he loved deeply, and here he was to see them one last time.

"...I pray all these in the name of the Lord. Amen"

As he prayed for them, their souls cried out to him in agony- in protest- of their lives.

"I'm living in apathy of God right now."
"Work's all piled up. I don't have time!"
"I'm lying to myself."
"I'm a complete, wretched sinner..."

One look, however, and their physical expressions told a different story. They were wearing masks, most of them. So that was what the problem was. Another prayer was in order. Blessings were all he could give, but there he knew that there was Another who would help them.

A smile wrought itself across his face.

"Thank you Lord."

He then touched their souls and left, up and up, into the beautiful realms of which he had believed to exist; welcomed by a Light, embraced by the One.

"It is done. Now rest here in peace, deserving Servant. Reap here the fruits of your labour."

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In memory of a beautiful life, a loving grandfather, and a man pure at heart.

Trust

2009-10-04T06:38:00.000-07:00

So much has happened.

Yeah in fact so much has happened I couldn't even find time to breathe easy, much less blog. Happenings, as experience taught, come in two packages. The good and the bad. I've had both. Lots of both, in fact. I'm still reeling from, I don't know, shock? That so many things have happened over such a short period of time, its just overwhelming sometimes.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Friends. You make some, you lose some. You go on in life, you find out that people aren't so trustworthy anymore. It is appalling- and pitiful, really- that people have to be like that. It really isn't worth getting upset about; except for the fact that I actually bothered to trust, like I would trust any other. My most sincere thanks for breaking the trust I placed, for you have shown me how careless I was with something so precious. My gratitude goes to you, for teaching me a lesson in growing up, for teaching me to be distrusting. I am sure it will take me far in life; but please know that you have robbed something from me which I treasure so dearly. How are you going to pay for that despicable act of yours? You have brought me closer to your level, by taking that priceless treasure away from me. I will try not to let it evolve into hatred, because I know you will face the consequences someday. One fine day.

Meanwhile, take this in. I will never, ever sink to your level. I will not stoop as low as that. I can only hope you see the error in your ways and change. Change, for goodness' sake, or you'll regret it. You'll be such a pathetic, despicable thing for all your life.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I think that's enough for today. I will continue, but that will be after EL mid-terms. You keep track of evolution, before it gets out of hand. Exactly what I'm trying to do.

Mm.

2009-07-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

How brothers can be made, with a simple little nudge in the elbow and a smile.

It was heartwarming, and I was exceedingly fortunate, to be able to bear witness to such a wonderful encounter between two men. It was really thought-provoking how such a profoundly beautiful phenomenon can occur in such a common setting.

Watch this space for the full story coming in a bit. I'm lazy.

mmm..

2009-07-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

Today everything just went back to what it was before, and it was as if it was all just a pleasant, pleasant dream; its not a dream though, and boy am I glad that the past few weeks have added so much colour to my life.

Although a large part of the enjoyment was depressingly ephemeral, it has really been a pleasure knowing that life just got a little bit better, that something within that experience itself has transcended the boundaries of the superficial and into the realms of the infinite. It was a very comforting fact to know- that I have gained something that cannot possibly be obtained by material means.

Now the issue is making sure I replace those flimsy gates to the realms of the infinite, and lock it up too.

Geez

2009-07-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

I still did the roof in the end, but its alright! I'm still doing my part to help.

Today is going to be a good day! Going about my usual routine of rag and training later, so I'd better be eating my breakfast now..

Keep the spirit up Jo!

People..

2009-07-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

Most of the time it isn't really what they do, how they behave or even how they treat others? Everyone's got something to be proud of, everyone's got a good side to them, and most importantly.. Every single person you meet, whether on the streets or anywhere else, they have their own dignity.

You've got no right to be stepping all over others that way, kiddo.

Tomorrow I'm SO going to do something that's not going to be on the roof.

hay

2009-07-05T19:01:00.000-07:00

So arts camp was super. Ah, sorry. It was AWASAMA. Super has no As at all :D

I made quite a few friends back in camp, and they're awesome! But I can't help noticing that it is a different world that I'm stepping into. The people I meet are.. Different. Just different in a way that I currently cannot identify, and its pretty scary to be sailing right into these gray, unknown waters.

Yeah, maybe my definition of 'normal' has to be altered a bit to accommodate certain quirks, or maybe it is others' definition of 'normal' that has to be altered to accommodate me. From what I've learnt though.. Friends don't really need to be 'normal', do they?

I guess what's of essence is being true to myself and not letting the environment change much of who I am (:

ジョがんばって！

lalala

2009-06-25T07:54:00.000-07:00

Orientation coming up pretty soon, quite looking forward to it but I have a feeling the flu's going to ruin things for everyone. Like how I had to take the trouble to dig everywhere to find that doofus thermometer to bring to camp. Started out bad already. Plus, I don't have a single yellow shirt and I'm supposed to wear one on the first day of camp. Awesome.

Have to start packing soon.. ジョさんがんばって！

They all live in an imaginary world, of which our world is but a shade of. Wonder if I'll find it?

大丈夫か。。。

2009-06-14T05:04:00.000-07:00

Stayed at home for the whole of today just sitting around singing, cooking, doing the housework and stoning. Surprisingly, it felt so darn good.

YEAH!

Anyway, here's something I wrote a while back on certain plane rides... Note: read only if you're feeling patient :D

----------------------------------------------------------------

And I'm typing this on board of a plane. Wow. Haha its my first time doing this! Quite the coolness. Everything's so calm here. The environment is way cool for writing because I'm actually sitting at a window seat? Awesome. I look out the window as I type and I see the beautiful beautiful sky right beside me. I should be doing this for every plane ride I have from now on. Window seats for the win! :D

Surprisingly I am feeling pretty good now, even though I wasn't feeling overly enthusiastic about this trip. I'll be like, alone. Plus I have to depend on others for transport, everywhere I go; a feeling that I don't really like but whatever. I've had that all my life anyway. Haha.

I still can't get over this feeling! Writing with the big blue sky around me. Its definitely the epitome of coolness! Probably every writer's dream to be writing in an environment like this. That's if my laptop battery doesn't run out, but it says 1.5 hours left which is AWESOME I'll keep typing until the announcement for landing comes. Hehe. I don't know if I'm supposed to be filling up that white form they were giving out earlier but it probably won't matter. At the most I'll just fill it up there and then. Whee. Ahh. TURBULENCE. My goodness! OHMAN. WOAH. AWWAGAHHHH THIS IS EXCITING! :D My glass of water nearly spilled on my computer I had to drink it all up right away and it was so shaky I very nearly couldn't drink the water up cleanly! GEE TURBULENCE! AHHHH SEAT BELT SIGN IS ON. I look out the window and its all CLOUD. EKSCITING. HAHAH. As you can see I'm typing this LIVE. On-the-spot account of what's happening on scene! How amazing is that YO I should be a reporter/journalist! WOAH THE PLANE JUST DIPPED A BIT. WOOT. Readers PLEASE PRAY THAT I'LL WALK OUT OF THIS ALIVEEEEEE OHMAN IT DIPPED AGAIN!

Sudden peace and quiet.

Just like the calm before a storm.

BUT NOTHING HAPPENS! HAHA. Oh the seat belt sign is off now! Everything is clearing up around the plane and its all bright blue and beautiful clouds again. WHEE. -continues typing. This is awesomeeee. I'm like lost in my own world while my grandma stones and the other passengers are sleeping/eating chips/stoning. But this is FUN. Live reporting from the skies xD They're trying to scam us now with $2 newspapers and $7698240341987243 drinks. I will NOT get scammed! Woosah! Ok I'm too high haha I was actually smiling while typing the turbulence part because it was all SHAKY and everyone else was omg-ing while I was SMILING and typing non-stop. Kool as cool.

Okay I'm much calmer now.

Just desperately hoping that I'll make it out alive so that this "article" will be published. Its something worth sharing! Crikey the skies outside are GORGEOUS. -snaps photos with my no-network blackberry. Still looking for that elusive AWESOME PICTURE. HHHH. I'll keep searching! :D Yay okay I took more photos now. GOOD SHOTS! Hope they look good on the computer. Hehe. Ooh here comes a nice cirrus cloud! (Jo is so proud that he is able to name the clouds after so many years' passing of secondary school geography, that is, if he didn't name it wrongly!) Nice cirrus cloud is getting blocked by the wings. Gotta be patient! Patience is a virtue, and even more so for photographers! Most beautiful shots come with a little bit of patience in them (: like how one waits for the sunrise before it actually rises. I don't think you get what I meant but the passage continues! Hehe! Just saw one stretch of clouds which looked like steps leading up to some beautiful cloudscape. OO. BOOTIFUL :D I like! I think I have some NICE shots! Patience.. Hehe. OH WEIRD! My laptop battery actually shows 1 hour and 45 minutes remaining now! It actually increased with the passing of time YAY my dad bought me such an AWESOME LAPTOP with ever-increasing battery! Hurrah! OHMY I GOT A MONEY SHOT. WALLPAPER TIME! I'm so proud of myself gee I got lucky today! Yesterday's decision to "sleep early because tomorrow might be good" really worked out AWESOME. I'm over the sky now! Quite literally, yes. Hahah. I'm flyingggg. JUst got another beautiful sky shot! Woosah! I am NEVER going to sit anywhere other than a window seat NEXT TIME! HAHA. So if you ever sit on the same plane as me.. GIVE UP YOUR WINDOW SEAT. WINDOW SEATS MAKE ME HAPPY. MORE MONEY SHOTS! $$$$$ But no one'll want to buy my pictures I guess since it was taken with a blackberry not-so-zai camera. BWAH. WISH I HAD A NICE BIG PRO CAMERA SO I CAN SELL MY B-E-A-UTIFUL PICTURES.

Oh gee this is like the longest thing I've written since FOREVER. -cheers. AYE AYE CAPTAIN landing soon but right after he said soon.. He said the remaining time is about 40 minutes more. Some sense you've got there Captain! But since you're a cool ang moh who is so informative I will forgive you. First time I've forgiven someone on 30000+ FEET YAY I HAVE MY GOOD DEED OF THE DAY AND A SECOND COOL FIRST TIME EXPERIENCE. O-VERWHELMING. So many first times today! Ooh there's a money shot coming snapsnapsnap. If you ever read until here I SALUTE you because I have a feeling whatever I just typed was a whole load of crap! BUT! Pretty entertaining eh? :D BWAAAH -yawns how come I'm feeling sleepy -takes off cap and scratches head. Oops my battery is now 1 hour and 20 minutes LEFT AND ITS LANDING I GOTTA GO BYE!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Return trip:

And again, typing another note on the plane. Haha. Everyone around's pretty tired I must say, the lights went out just now and I can surely bet that the whole plane went asleep. Was a pretty awesome feeling to be typing with the blue sky all over, but this is just okay. Everything around is dark! Compensated by the beautiful lights which are to come I guess. No pictures to snap because everything's all dark and gloomy. Maybe later when we can see the coast of Singapore?

I can't believe they gave us honey roasted peanuts! Pretty considerate aren't they? :D But we could have brought our own snacks if we really wanted to. The water's the most important part of this refreshments package they gave us. Life-saver. Heheh. I left my precious cap at Angke, which means that I will be going back soon because I can't bear to leave the cap there!

Wonder whats going to happen when I get back to Singapore? I'm implicitly being pushed towards the direction of NUS but I'm, not really sure if I want to go there. Everyone talks like FASS is such a loser place. Not that I care, but that's not good for the 'prestige' part of University education is it? Plus, I've been like, hypnotized since I went to the building itself and heard what they had to say about the education there. I don't know if I'm making the right choice though.. Let's just hope everything clears up when I go back. Still have about an hour to the flight left. Wonder what I should be doing? Haha. The act of typing continuously without end is pretty exhausting especially when I'm constantly gazing at the screen. Bad for the eyes. Maybe. No idea.

I can't open the water they gave us! This is a super disaster. Lips are uber dry. I like flying though, don't know why. Maybe because I've had many good memories on a plane? Yeah that's how a human lives, he keeps going back to the things that makes him happy. Chocolate tastes good because of past memories of chocolate consumption. Somehow I think carnal desires are the main drivers of humanity today, instead of rational thinking. May not be true, but it definitely is a plausible thought.

I wonder why I type so smoothly when I'm on a plane? My thinking doesn't get jammed at all hahah the words just flow like water from a tap. OOOOOOH WE'RE HALFWAY THERE, OOOOOH LIVING ON A PRAYER. Awesome song. I miss Pekanbaru. YEAH THANKS JON BON JOVI you made me half-sad. Wonder if I'll get to go there? Still have three months left before university starts, my gosh that's a long while. Hahah. But if I'm going to NTU it'll be.. July. Before I have to go for orientation.

Can't wait to start uni! (: It's always nice to have a new beginning somewhere somehow. Another chance to be the man you wished you could have been. I threw that away in JC hahah I definitely wasn't who I wanted to be. Wish I could have done a lot of things better! But things that happened.. I can't undo them. Damage's been done. Hahah. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Regrets are always there lol its just how seriously you take it, and how serious the whole darn regret thing is.

Ooh bad weather they said. Shaky planes are pretty cool. Wonder how long this post will look when I publish it on my blog.

I miss my cap, and I'm kinda lazy to go on typing because I've typed what I wanted to type. Shall be listening to backstreet boys now! Woowhee. Ain't nothing but a mistake tell me why I never wanna hear you say I want it that wayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Peace.

He

2009-06-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

He always hoped that he could be somebody important to others, somebody who could make it if he puts his effort to it.

But he now sees the flaws in him, and finds that some things within and without will never allow him to make it.

How he hopes he could be just that little bit better, but he is not. How he wishes he could be someone else altogether, but he will never be.

But he still dreams, he lives his life as best he can. He hopes, still, that one day he'll be the man he wished he could be.

Then he realizes that he didn't know exactly how the man in his wishes lived his life.

We are THE champion.

2009-05-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

And so I shouted myself hoarse today but it was all worth it, kinda. Hehe.

So proud of you guys and I'm sure you'll make it three :D

If you get murdered I'll avenge your death

2009-05-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

learning?

2009-05-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah, one grows up to learn that learning has to be constant. Whether it is learning from a teacher, a book, or even by derivation from certain phenomena occurring around oneself; both the tangible and the intangible always have a part to play in our learning. That is, if you bother to use these experiences for self-improvement.

Which makes me wonder why I'm still pretty much unlearned in certain areas, areas in which I have always wanted to change. No wonder shit happens. There's always a reason why..

softball

2009-05-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes its a good hurt, and it feels like I'm alive. Hawhaw. Don't know why but I just feel that way.

One of the happiest trainings I've had in a long, long time :D mega loads of thanks to Jun Yu and Eunice (sorry again D:) because our super killer combination REALLY scored a lot of runs. Gosh it was the funnest thing I've done in a pretty long time.

I really love playing softball and baseball :D looks like I found a sport for life. Heheh, but I'm just pretty worried about how far I'll be able to go with the sport. After all, softball or baseball isn't even close to popular in countries like Singapore.

Juniors please have fun at Raffles on Wednesday (: and don't drink cheetah.

one piece

2009-05-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

Been a while since I read any comics, but one piece is definitely one
of the best series I've read yet. Can't wait to read more!! :D

Hey

2009-04-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

Give me some time to say good night and goodbye.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Won't happen. Haha. Shall be leaving tomorrow morning. 10.30 flight. Frankly, maybe this will be just what I need to get things going again.

If only things weren't so terribly awkward maybe I'd be much more at ease right now. Such unease.. Gee. I feel like lying down on a field of grass and watching the great blue sky turn amber.

If that can EVER happen to me. I'm beginning to believe these things never truly happened for anyone in particular, really.

2009-04-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

It's overwhelmingly weird how people are so hard to understand. It is sometimes so hard to even understand oneself, and I guess life is that caring yet merciless teacher who desperately wants us to learn of our follies, be it through hardships or even enjoyment. Big question is, however, whether we truly are able to learn.

It seems that the human mind is built in such a way that folly is unyielding, while wisdom's grip holds lightly. Chaos accentuates folly, calm strengthens wisdom.

Eventually the side we favor, be it of conscious choice or not, will win. The fruits, bitter or sweet, come as a reward for the seeds we sow. For some, it might be too late. For some, second chances come along.

And the man of folly builds his house upon the shaky foundation of flowing sand. Yet again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wish the disparity in treatment wasn't so darn obvious.

Living with heart; it isn't enough at all. You'll need some brains for problem-solving, more brains for discretion, even more brains to know why the hell others are doing what they do. Plus, brain-heart coordination to not be a complete ass and act like a dumb i-don't-know-anything dude when in fact you already know all there is to it.

You just don't want to face reality don't you Jo.

2009-03-31T07:11:00.000-07:00

How were we supposed to know that the Earth Hour event was so crappy? Gee whiz. Yeah, being in town for all the Earth Hour buzz was pretty cool, since not many companies/shops bothered with turning their lights off.

They did turn the Singapore Flyer lights off but the bloody thing was still spinning.

Then came the great light-up. The candle-holding fiesta had so few people in it they couldn't make the phrase they were going to make, which was okay, but what the heck? They told us to be there at 6.30 pm and nothing happened until whoknowswhen. We ended up watching the awesome 24-hour tag videos on my phone for about an hour before getting in line, and woohoo the street lights were on and covering all our candlelight. Sat there for a while before.. Running off and leaving the candles behind.

Walked over to Esplanade Park to find that it wasn't much either, so we just walked away. The plan was to go for dinner at Marina Square, but we ended up in front of the Esplanade to watch the even-greater light-up.

It was 8.30 pm. The end of Earth Hour! Shaw house blasted their corporate logo through the sky almost immediately, the yellow Maybank emblem glowed in pride and the Esplanade itself started sparking up. By about 8.45 it was business as usual and we went on for dinner at Carl's.

Speaking of energy conservation.. I just burned an air ticket today :D

----------------
Now playing: Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer
via FoxyTunes

2009-03-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

And so Japan won their second World Baseball Classic, with Ichiro making that winning hit and Darvish ending the 10th with a K. The best game I have EVER watched; the intensity and the excitement in that game could never be equalled.

I am SO going to the World Baseball Classic one day. Get all my Japan gear and wear it everyday.

How I wish I could be part of a team that would go to the World Baseball Classic. I would train every single day to switch to baseball, and train so hard, because it is at present only a dream. A dream that seems impossible to achieve. Not only because of my incapabilities. When will a country like Indonesia ever go to the Classic?

They say you have to be the change that you want to see in the world, start it with the man in the mirror. Maybe I will, someday, make my dream come true. They did say that if you can see it, then you can be it. I believe that even Ichiro started out as a kid with a dream.

2009-03-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

Suddenly inspired to start typing stuff again. Of course, I have been gone for so long nobody would give a damn whether I type stuff or not, but it still is a pretty useful tool to be recording these things down for a good read in the future (: its pretty cool when you read all these notes of the past (and not even remembering that you actually wrote them), and its like watching yourself grow up to become who you are now. Tracking your "evolution" into what you are today, and the best thing is that the journey never stops.

Been busy doing nothing, playing Heroes V, going to university open houses, thinking about uni courses.. It all just goes around in a routine cycle. Can't wait to just get the applications over and done with, but it DOES affect my future after all. In a big way too. So I'd better be giving it more thought.. Well if you're in this situation too, or you have the same experience, chat me up maybe you'll give me some inspiration. Hahah.

I wonder what everyone else is doing? Well, for me because I can't work in Singapore, life's just like a holiday of sorts for now. Gee. It does get pretty lonely/boring out here like this. Hope I find something meaningful to do or I'm really going to become a real sloth.

Meanwhile, hope everyone's doing fine (:

2009-03-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

AAABB FOR THE WIN!!!!!

2009-03-04T19:53:00.000-08:00

Too long, too long. It's been too long and it's going to be so long. The uncertainty of the future, whether on the tangible or intangible side, is taking a lot out of me. As usual. I, for one, like to think that I have learnt many things over the past month. It was a month full of joy, and so packed with learning that one would have to be a complete idiot not to learn anything from it. Thank goodness I took the opportunity to go over to Pekanbaru, and I will go back again. I PROMISE. It is just a matter of time.

Anyway, I'm pretty much missing the peaceful life that I had over there. The warmth that I felt. It was all so precious to me, I hope I'll never forget the feeling. I admit I could have dealt with a lot of things in a better way, but the simple act of acting in a not-so-desirable way is in itself a lesson to be learnt. It was great to know that there still exists a place where I can just feel like I'm at home. After all, I've been moving around all the time and as a teenager the instability pretty much took the concept of "home" to a different level.

Just a short update before the results come out tomorrow. Gee. I miss my cousins too D: hope everything will be alright.

2009-01-22T08:09:00.000-08:00

Leaving Singapore during the Chinese New Year period and for a pretty long time after that. Going to be gone for a good long while I'd say.. Hope everyone will find some fire in whatever you're doing because the fire is what keeps you going, be it in school, on the field, or even while playing!

Oh and please gets lots of angpaos so you can treat me whoever you are :D

2009-01-15T05:35:00.000-08:00

White four I won't forget your timing. Yeahhh.

Besides that, hello again people! Just trying to write something really, no particular inclination to post something with any specific objectives. Been stoning on even days and playing ball on odd days for the past week or so. Nothing particularly interesting really, other than that primary school dinner we're going to have on Monday! Gee. Looking forward to THAT. Haven't seen a lot of people for a very long time, really curious what everyone's like now. I still remember what it was like 6 years ago. Time does fly, somehow. Everyone's pretty busy and all, haven't really had time to meet. Most people just kinda forget your existence somehow..

Just went around with Benedict Chen Yang and Kian Hwee today trying to find the right place to go, and apparently one man's opinion swayed the fate of many as we shifted our outing place right after a short debate. Whatever though! The shift saw the meal prices go south so it wasn't all that bad a change.

Let's see how things go, maybe it'll work out fine (:

2009-01-12T08:20:00.000-08:00

Okay let's just say this.. My blog isn't dead! Well maybe because I really had too much to say and I didn't know where to start. Thank Desiree and Rebecca Tan for inducing me to post something! It really has been a while since I have written anything that is fit for another person to read, and it looks like the hiatus has spared me no negativities. I am practically an English dumbo right now and I can't seem to be able to find the words I need anymore. I really should be starting on something that'll be of some productive utility!

So! I shall begin with the Indonesia trip I had at the end of 2008. Remember the post that I posted! (scroll down if you don't) I was really having fun on THAT trip, and the subsequent trip to Pekanbaru was great too! I really missed my cousins and I didn't even know it until I met them again. It was great to be able to hang out with them! Will be seeing them soon though!

After that came the Chiang Mai trip. It certainly could have been SO MUCH BETTER! So instead of going to like, Seacon Square, we went to bee farms with no bees. Gee! At least the Night Bazaar and the Walking Street made the trip worthwhile.. Of course, meeting Nadd again was really nice! :D Too bad she couldn't have been our liaison officer. PLUS, we ate TOO MANY BUFFETS. AHH. It was terrible! Like, about 800+ baht of my 4700 baht was burnt off for compulsory buffet meals. I've had enough of buffet! Arghhhh. All the compulsory stuff added up to about 2000+ baht and that's like HALF MY MONEY GONE. Ugh. Shopping had to be cut down by a lot. Gee. Oh and I didn't countdown to the New Year! First time in many years. Ain't that awesome. Hahahah. I can't believe I slept through the New Year countdown! Both Guojie and I missed it. I guess we were ultra tired! It was a happy day though, New Year.. Although we lost to O'boyz. Hahahah. Hengyang and his nemesis William who whacked two home runs off him on two exact same pitches. Poor HY. At least you have ****** 7!

Okay I have to cut things here because its like time to sleep. Hahah. I'll try posting photos next post! Ciao~

Woot

2009-01-07T07:07:00.000-08:00

I seriously have to find a day to just sit down and blog about the end of 2008. Too many things to blog about and too little commitment. Hahah. Let's just say that the end of 2008 has really been awesome for me.

Sleepy.Ugh.

*snores*

2009-01-04T09:25:00.000-08:00

Hello Singapore. Again.

2008-12-30T03:21:00.000-08:00

Seriously, like, I'm supposed to be in the hotel bathing or stuffing myself with supermarket fare. This trip can be SO much better! Well at least we get to play softball. Heheh. Can't wait to start the competition!!

Okay anyway the weather here in Thailand is getting weird! It didn't used to be so hot in the afternoons, but its still cool at night and I love places with cool weather.. Just a short update because I really can't blog for long lol.

Update again! Just in case I can't do it on time..
Happy New Year in advance people!

dreaming

2008-12-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

Seems like my blog has been dead for about a week.. Likely to go on hehe since I rarely go online nowadays and no one really knows when I'll update.

Just had a week or so traveling around and going places I've never been to, and I'm feeling pretty darn awesome, save the fact that I just woke up from a dream about the A level chemistry paper, the fact that my English is deteriorating like mad and the prospect of forgetting how to write (tell me when you last touched a pen this holidays).

I've been eating a lot (DUH!) and at the same time attempting to exercise some restraint because the food here is so darn good I can't stop. Just ate a Japanese buffet last night ohmygoodness it > just about any Japanese food I've eaten other than that mini Waraku trip I had with Shimamoto-san and the egg rolls right after at raffles place with Towers. It probably is doing terrible things to my fitness and since Indonesia is not a really good place to be running I haven't done anything other than climbing the stairs to get to my mattress.

I'm not sure if I'm going to Thailand because no one's told me about how to make the freaking payment when I'm not in Singapore. Geez. Someone help me pay first?

I give nice cookie in return.

In Bandung

2008-12-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

Guess I'd blog a bit before I leave Bandung and all the free internet that came with it.. Yes people Bandung is a PLACE, a city rather, and not a DRINK! The drink's Rose Syrup. Hahah.

Okay so we went into the crater of a volcano today it was COOL! Literally. It was excessively cool. Absolutely freezing in there. The whole place smelt of sulphur (yes the element) and I knew the smell because there were tons of yellow powder lying around in the crater. Probably left behind from previous eruptions.. Hmm.. I seriously dumped all the secondary 4 geography stuff out of my head. Whatever! So it was the first time I stepped into a volcano crater and thankfully it DID NOT EXPLODE as sianying prophesied it would.

The strawberries there were awesome sweet! I only managed to eat one because my stoopid retainers had to get in the way. Ugh. I think I kind of learnt the art of bargaining lol just walk away and they'll make a major cut. If its still too expensive, dump a price on the guy and walk away again. That worked for me these few days, even though I didn't buy anything..

Going back to Jakarta tomorrow and I guess there'll be no more internet for quite a few days. I guess I just have to be patient! Darn, the roosters in this place crow at 1 am in the morning. Awesome.

I'll update when I get internet (:

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Now playing: Rivermaya - You'll Be Safe Here
via FoxyTunes

Boredom

2008-11-21T19:14:00.000-08:00

Having nowhere to go except for trainings and nothing to do except for reading and clearing up all the remnants of my journey here. Game-playing is still restricted, which is expected, but it certainly doesn't feel right to be sitting two days in a row trying to find something to do at home when it's just within a week of the end of the big A.

Finished The Green Mile by Stephen King in 8 hours over the past two days, and it was awesome. Thank goodness for that mini book sale we saw at Kallang Leisure Park, it actually made me feel like reading again. Bought three books for $10 and voila. Now that I've finished a book I'm dying for something else to do, but I don't know what.

I should be trying to make myself useful I guess, with all these mess around in the house now. The tenant's going to renovate the flat and we need to move out in a bit. I don't know. About time I tried something useful..

2008-10-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

Why, hasn't it always been the case of misplaced trust? Hmm. It's not right to push it. I guess I was trying to push it a bit.

Oh goodbye days my friend, so long.

2008-10-21T06:01:00.000-07:00

2008-10-19T03:34:00.000-07:00

Two weeks. Oh flying mother cow, two weeks are all I've got to GP.

On a brighter note.. Just a month till I'm done. Physics paper 1 can go to the dogs.

Mirror

2008-10-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone's a hero, everyone's a star, and he nodded in silent agreement with Mr. Jon Bon Jovi as he sat at his desk trying to figure out what to do next. His desk's a mess, but somehow he'd always been able to find what he needed. Today, however, he didn't know what he needed. In fact, he didn't know what heroes did, or stars for that matter. They certainly do not sit at their desks with a sore neck and a wandering mind. All he knew was that heroes had to be decisive, and so he decided to do something.

A sweeping glance at his desk and he picks something out which seemed useful, and he indulged in a series of fundamental assessments that somehow gave him a sense of confidence that he felt was as false as the smile he wore on his face upon completion of the assessment. How could he, an epic failure in the subject, score close to full marks for a past examination paper? I try and I try, yet I can't seem to fly, and he began to wonder whether he really did try hard enough to fly. Did he deserve to fly? With that, A1 set him thinking. How he would use the remaining days to salvage the situation that until now was slipping through his fingers, pretty much like how the water he was drinking flowed down his throat without much obstacle.

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. He stared for a while at the lyrics floating through the luminescent screen of his computer, there will be an answer, let it be, and wondered where the Beatles found their inspiration. Why, if he was talented as such, he wouldn't even have had to enter the education system. Then, if everyone were as talented as the Beatles we wouldn't have the synchronized noise that youths today listen to. They say life is fair because it is unfair for everyone, but does it really matter if he could not accomplish what's expected of him? Just as he asked himself the question, the Beatles in all their wisdom replied: there will be an answer, let it be.

I'm lookin' back on things I've done, I never wanna play the same old part, but hey he's dying to play the same old part that he's played. Guy with considerably good results who had friends that he could rely on, well, at least while they were stuck in the same boat. It felt tons better than what he has at present, but he figures that he should be thankful for the present. After all he could have ended up totally friendless. He types a message to friends which read: You can save me from the man that I've become, and decided to delete it because it was a complete rip from Backstreet Boys.

I never want to play the games that people play, I never want to hear the things they've got to say. But how could he not? If he didn't,it would be him against the world. If its wrong to tell the truth, what am I supposed to do? He doesn't know, and he figures that he'll probably never figure it out, so he let the matter rest. I never wanted to live a lie, and he never wanted to feel so Blue or Guilty, but he couldn't help it, just like how he couldn't change the fact that he had his examinations coming in a bit.

His neck hurt bad, and it pulled him back into reality. His aunt said it'd last for a few days, and he can't help but feel this ominosity inside. He'd have to wake up early the next morning to listen to a speech he dreaded ever since he knew about it, and he'd have to figure out what he'd do the next day too. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. What now? It looks like they're here to stay...

He concludes that caffeine-induced insomnia isn't the way out if he's going to end up blogging interesting nonsense instead of GP essays.

2008-10-06T05:36:00.000-07:00

Vice Presidential Debate Parody -

AWESOME.

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Now playing: Michael Learns To Rock - Breaking My Heart Again
via FoxyTunes

Determination

2008-10-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna sleep until I get my work DONE!!

2008-10-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

Japan Game Show Funny Baseball

28-09-08

2008-09-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

That was a hell of a good time. I'm not too sure I deserved it, but in the end..

F1 WAS THE BOMB. (pictures coming soon)

The Setting Sun

2008-09-23T03:03:00.000-07:00

What happened to the promise we made? I remember where, and when, and why we made that promise to each other. It was just right there, at the bottom of the steps where we used to sit side by side every night without fail. The scene replayed itself in my head in a manner disturbingly similar to a broken television set. Details were blurred and distorted, with nothing in focus but our hands, locked tight in a grip which seemed unbreakable then. Then. A week which took years to pass me by. Then. A week which left me wondering if time did multiply for her; if I meant as much to her as she did to me.

I choose to believe that she was forced to leave, that she still loved me like she did that night a week ago. I could see it in her eyes when she said those words. How beautiful they were, eyes that shone with more grace than the shimmering moonlight; eyes that sparkled limitless radiance, oh how the stars paled in comparison. She gave colour to my world, she gave me the will to live. She gave me treasure beyond what can be found within the realms of this material world, even only for a fleeting moment in my life. Now it is gone, she is gone, how do I carry on a meaningless existence? How do I escape from a trap that I had set for myself?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

She walked as if she was floating, in from the park entrance where we first met. I could see her form approaching; white dress, flowing black hair and a smile that could tame the wildest of creatures. I can still hear the sound of her footsteps in my head, as soft as a whisper, yet she moved with uncanny swiftness while managing to appear as graceful as she could be- as graceful as any human being would ever be capable of. I remember the wonder I felt there and then, and each and every time I catch a glimpse of her. My heart would always miss a beat, or appear to, and I would either be reduced to gawking or severe stomach cramps.

She settled beside me, patting my back to aid my recovery process. My reaction always made her laugh, for she never believed that she was as beautiful as I saw her. By 'beautiful', I mean both inside and outside. She was always the first one to volunteer to help an old lady cross the street, the first one to give up a seat on the bus for a pregnant woman, or even when it comes to distributing food for the beggars in our residential area. She even set up a shelter for these beggars and their families, all for free. Personally, I had never believed that such a person existed until I met her.

"Better now?"

Her voice was softer than the gentle breeze in my face. I looked up at her. That brilliant smile.

"Yeah. Lots better. Geez.."

Another smile.

"You'd better learn to control that body of yours, you're going to get a stroke or something one of these days and I sure don't have the strength to carry you to the hospital.."

(Oh come on, you beat a gangster up on your own the other day. Your body must be like, 100% muscle and no fat.)

"Alright I'll try, girl, but it sure is no mean feat if you see what I see.. What's up since yesterday? Everything going good?"

I caught a glimpse of what looked like a trace of worry on her face.

"Nah, everything's good with me. The shelter's been vandalized though.. The rich kids next door must have done it.. Just wait till I catch them red-handed.."

She stopped and looked up at the sky. The low drone in which she spoke was uncharacteristic of her.

"I love the moon. If she was a human she'd be dead pretty."

"Not as pretty as you."

"Quit it."

"All hail the Princess."

She shrugged.

Silence.

"I wonder what the Earth will be like without the moon."

"One less competitor for you, girl."

"I said quit it, boy."

"Thy humble servant taketh thy order with joy, Princess."

"I wonder what'll happen if one day the Sun did not set."

"Girl, there's a balance for everything, see. There are guys, there are gonna be girls. There's good, there's bound to be evil. There's day, there's bound to be night, girl. No one's changing that."

"Well, I was just wondering.."

"Anyway girl, you're sure that's all that's bothering you? Because girl, your eyes are telling me a different story."

Those eyes looked straight into mine and she pulled me into an embrace. I almost died- it was the first time she ever gave me a hug.

"That's all. That's all. Just the shelter and the Sun. We've got nothing more to worry about, boy."

Her voice quivered slightly. Was she on the verge of tears? Thank God I found my voice.

"You sure, girl? Look, I'm here with you, I could help you out. Even if I can't do much, girl, we can work together and figure things out, okay?"

"Promise me, boy, promise me. You'll be there when I need you? You'll be there when I call, anytime, anywhere? Promise me you'll think of me when you see the stars up in the sky like they are now?"

"Do you love me, girl?"

She blushed, her cheeks were a shade of colour in the dark of the night.

"Yeah," she said as she loosened herself from the embrace and turned to hold my hand, "I love you more than anyone I've ever loved in my whole life, boy."

"Ditto, girl. Ditto."

She smiled again.

"I love you, boy."

"Promise me you'll stay close and always love me like you're loving me now, and I'll say yes."

-----------------------------------------------------

It seemed like the end of the world.

She was nowhere to be found; her "office", the shelter, the park, or even anywhere in the neighbourhood. All the people from the shelter assisted in the search, but no, she was nowhere to be found. The only trace of her departure was an envelope in the shelter "office" addressed to me, containing a watch with a Sun motif and enough money to keep the shelter going for years, and a note which read: "Had to leave. Don't know when I'll be back. Watch is for you. Money's for the poor, shelter's in your charge now boy, please run it well. Sorry." I was devastated, and apparently I wasn't the only one. She was well-liked by many, and of course highly respected by the people living in the shelter. The shelter was now devoid of any vibrancy, a stark constrast to the usual plethora of activity.

Why leave? Why now? Why me?

I could not take my mind off her. Every moment was filled with the emptiness that tags along with the sense of loss. The pain only got worse at night, when I look up and see the stars shining arrogantly in the sky, as if they had managed to get rid of the only beauty that surpassed theirs. The moon shone with a sinister glow, flooding the land with the painfully dim illumination. Seven nights have passed since her departure, but the pain had not yet subsided, nor had it lessened in any way. I could do nothing but stare at the watch and gather memories of her; her soft hair, her warm hands, her scent...

(If she loved me, she would have at least told me where she was going.)

"Promise me you'll stay close..." I muttered under my breath.

(If she loved me, she would have kept the promise she made.)

"Damn..."

(She has her reasons, boy, she has her reasons.)

"What would make her leave like that?.."

(If she had good reasons she would have told you, boy, or at least called you.)

"Come back, girl.. Please.."

(You know she won't. You know she won't.)

-----------------------------------------------------

It hurts.

The pain of leaving was beyond description.

I'm sorry for leaving you, boy.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I'll come back as soon as I can.

I don't know if I can go back.

I don't know if I can make it back alive.

I want to see you one more time before I lose my chance.

I love you, boy.

----------------------------------------------------------

She had not contacted anyone within the area.

I would walk out to the park every night and sit down where we used to sit, even in the rain. Exactly three hundred and sixty-five days have passed since she left, and the pain still remains somewhere within me. It grew unbearable at times, but I had to carry on running the shelter for her, in hopes that she might one day come back to run it again.

"One year's gone.."

I felt the emptiness welling up inside me.

"Hey man, get the rest to help out with dinner, won't you? I'm going to the park till late, so you guys carry on alright? I'll be fine."

"Aye aye, captain." The assistant replied with a chuckle.

I looked at my watch- the watch that she gave me- and let out a long sigh. 4pm. I guess I'll just stay in the park to watch the sunset. Somewhere inside me, I couldn't help but hope that she'd just come walking back with a grin and tell me that this was all a major joke to test my commitment to her, and that she was only taking a year-long break, impossible as it seems.

It was the longest wait in my entire life.

I sat there thinking about the past, about the present and about the future. What would I do if she did not come back today? Where will I be one year later? Would I be sitting here with the same wishes and hopes? Would the pain be gone? I didn't know the answer to any of these questions I asked myself...

-------------------------------------------------

It was the night when the Sun did not set.

(Impossible.)

"It's... 9pm."

("Well, I was just wondering..")

"The moon should have been up two hours ago.."

("I wonder what'll happen if one day the Sun did not set.")

"Why is the Sun in the same position as it was at 4pm?.."

("I wonder what the Earth will be like without the moon.")

"Is she coming back?.."

("I love you, boy.")

I could feel her nearby. She had to be nearby. I could smell her scent. I could feel her presence.

I ran as fast as I could, back to the shelter, and there she was; just that it wasn't what I wanted to see. Screams greeted me as my assistant tried to keep the people away from her.

"There... you... are..."

She was lying on the ground, scars all over her bare skin and hardly any life left in her.

I embraced her, and I could think of nothing then and there. Only to hold her tight and never let go.

"I'd... never thought... I... ugh... could... live... to see... this... day..."

I bawled like a kid.

(Please don't go, girl. No, not again. Don't leave me.)

"Sorry... I... had... to... go..."

(No, I won't let you go now. Not now.)

"I... love... you... boy..."

(I love you too. More than anyone I've ever loved in my whole life, girl.)

I held her as tight as I could, as if I could hold on to the life that was leaving her body.

----------------------------------------------------------

Been a while since I wrote anything, really. So I decided to take some time out for reader-satisficing (haha yh). I probably will begin blogging again. Ohwell. I realized that I love writing too much to give it up. Gee. If only I'm half as good at writing as I'm good at slacking.

Has everyone been alright? I've lost touch with a lot of people due to my absence from the online community, haven't been online for about two months now? Maybe more. I'd lost count of the days. I just stopped blogging and using MSN one day.

Alright, short message here, but I sincerely hope that everyone has been doing fine and coping well. Looking forward to get in touch with you all again (:

Personal Reminder

2008-08-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

The end is ostensibly around the corner, yet the battle seems like it is going to last forever. They say this is it; this is all I've been working so hard for all these times, but it hardly seems like it's worth it. I know, however, that my perception is highly flawed. All these people, they've seen it all, haven't they? No harm can come out of putting up a good fight...

Even if fighting hard would cause me some hurt, it'll be better than hurting those who have expectations of me, wouldn't it? It will all be over soon, and unless I truly work hard to take out every single one of the enemy, one of them might come along and stab me in the back.

If it comes to that stage, it'd be too late for regrets.

Face to Face

2008-08-04T19:47:00.000-07:00

It seems like I have run out of things to say, with the exception of rants about the superficiality that is so dominant within the boundaries of many friendships today. Countless experiences shared between people are peripheral and ephemeral, without any profound connections of the agreeable nature being established as time passes. What are the friendships of today based on? Without deviating from facts, other than those which technology has brought about, people of today are making friends for the same old reasons that people of the past century have.

You could be friends with someone who just happened to take the same bus with you to school; you could be friends with a stranger you met on the train whom you offered a seat to; you could even be friends with someone just because he sat next to you in the restaurant and started a conversation with you.

Maybe communications had a part to do with it, maybe technology has somehow removed the sociable aspect of humanity? Science has advanced technology in such a way that people can now be represented by a cocktail of pixels on a computer screen, even by a series of seemingly meaningless combinations of letters. Verbal conversations can now be reduced to mere prose, projected to even the very ends of the world through an intricately sculpted maze of cables, or even through electromagnetic waves in the air. You can now communicate with just about everyone in the world who has an internet connection or a cell phone. In a sense, if a number could be put to the degree of individual accessibility to the world, this number would probably have been multiplied by a hundred times or even more within the past decade or so.

Somehow, this superficiality that has its roots in the flaws of long-distance conversations have propagated into the real interpersonal conversations in everyday life. Words can scarcely be found between so-called "friends" of today when it is a face-to-face encounter, unlike a virtual encounter where words flow freely without any hinderance. Of course, few absolutes can be found today and it can be said for certain that this hypothesis does not hold true for everyone. It probably is that barrier that people today put up around themselves to ward off possible threats to their personal images, unlike the times when people were more trusting and truly friendly because they had nothing to lose by making an extra friend.

I'm just some guy trying to make sense of what is going on around him, and why certain things happen when they should not be happening. The coldness of certain encounters are really freaking me out.

Uncertainty

2008-07-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

Talk about unspeakable issues. I can't help but feel the existence of that barrier that should never have existed at all. All that was a plethora of possibilities yesterday has become void, and I can't help but ask why. Ask who? I don't know. Myself, perhaps. What have I done to merit such ills? Have I not tried to be the best that I can be? The blame always has to go back to me, how I have influenced the situation and what I have done to salvage it, because it never is another person's fault, is it? Yeah I'm always the one who's lagging behind, the one who's not good enough, the one who's average at anything and everything, the one who is always to blame when things turn sour, or maybe the one to shun when you feel like it. So you're better, so I cannot give a proper answer to your question. That does not give you any right to step all over me. I will not stand being looked down upon as a person, because you have no right to insult another person who is standing right here in the same Earth that you live in.

To think that they'd taught students of today about human rights. Alright, enough of that.

I often wonder how I'd end up in the situation I'm in right now and how I'd become the person that I am today. Is it all planned, like in the case of predestination? My present contention is with the predestination camp. The idea of free will is only human, isn't it? We'd have no way of proving that our free will is absolute. Humanity might just be God's play, every single step taken already scripted at the beginning of time. We'd never know if the actors that we are could ever add improvisations to the script or even alter its course. The intangible Truth can never be absolutely apparent to us, for human perception is severely flawed. Maybe what I'm typing now is highly myopic in nature, but isn't that human nature, to be myopic? Most of our attempts to rid ourselves of this short-sightedness have been to no avail.

We fall down, we pull ourselves up, and there's bound to be another time when we fall down again. It all boils down to the unpredictable nature of life, but where is the line that separates the predictable and the unpredictable? When does the seemingly predictable crumble into the unpredictable? Life works in such a way that even the predictable might break down into the unpredictable anytime. Doctors could predict that I'm still going to live for a long time to come given my present health, but who's going to know if I am going to contract a terminal disease within the next year? Analysts may say that there will be no nuclear war because it is far too costly for any party to start one, but who's going to know if another megalomaniac like Hitler takes the stage? After all, Hitler was only here only about half a century ago.

Anything is possible, almost everything is uncertain, life is as such. The question we should be asking all the time should be "what's next?".

Past. Present. Future?

2008-07-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

Here it comes again, here it comes again. The feeling that I'm not good enough and I never will live up to those aspirations. I fail time and again, and it leaves me wondering when I can ever right myself of these wrongs. It always is the case when it seems like I'm one mistake away from damnation, and I guess if all my hypotheses were right I'd be going to Hell hundreds, even thousands of times over for the mistakes that I could have prevented myself from making with sufficient self-control. That is the fact that troubles me most; that I could have done something to stop myself from committing these errors, but yet making those mistakes anyway.

It is said that humans learn from mistakes better than they ever learn from anything else, but why do people make the same mistakes over and over again? Why does a leopard never change its spots, even when mountains crumble and oceans dry up?

The root word of history would be the greek "historia", which means "learning by inquiry". Even with the thousands of years of human history that we have seen, and the scores of examples of the fall of Man to the temptations of sin, why do people of today still commit the same mistakes over and over again without even blinking an eye? Things are made worse by the fact that we are aggravating the human condition by propagating the undesirable; violence, lust, vanity and immorality are but a few of the rotten fruits of humanity today.

It seems that no amount of learning can rectify the flaws of humanity and its nature, and pessimists certainly have a good reason to predict a bleaker future than ever could be predicted. With the rise of individualistic ideologies in the world today through globalization, more and more people are taking things into their own hands; both on the micro and macro scale, in all aspects of human life as we know it today.

Increasing numbers of people today hold the belief that personal freedom comes with the power to influence their destiny, that they have the ability to affect change on the world they live in through the power of the mind alone. The world today is operated with money as the blood that runs through its veins, and we see the very high level of dependence that people place on their finances. People place emphasis on money, the very thing that can create rifts in matters of the heart and all else that truly matters. Priorities are often misplaced, and the problem seems set to extend its roots even further into our hearts. Christians, too, are faced with problems such as these.

We have lost focus. We have fallen prey to the disguised traps of the Evil One, and only one thing can save us.

The One who has saved us from the beginning.

Balance

2008-07-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

I believe that balance is the sempiternal in this life; a permanent fixture which will never be abolished, lest the world comes to an end. As sure as there are righteous men alive in the world today, evil men do still exist; conflict coexists with peace within an intricate cocktail of circumstances. It is apparent that balance is omnipresent in all aspects of life, even within the realms of Physics, where matter even has its opposite: the antimatter. For every positive there has to be a negative just hiding around the corner, and it is such with human life.

We go through ups and downs, but in fact the good and the bad coexists in our lives. Positive or negative occurences are simultaneously inherent in our lives, leaving everything to a matter of perception. When we are going through more of a positive, the negative is diminished; when we are going through the negative, the positive is diminished. The equilibrium of this positive-negative function is the resultant emotion or degree of negativity in our life. How each and every person deals with it, however, is another issue. Logically, this should be where the theory of emotional quota is rooted from; how a person deals with circumstances in which the negative completely outweighs the simple positive occurences in life.

The above deduction might sound like a mechanical, maybe even emotionless derivation of an intricate aspect of human life, but I assure you that I am just a plain (and often emotional) person trying to make sense of his constant struggle against negative emotions. I'm happy at present, but I realized that even in happiness there still exists underlying negativities beyond the external self. As much as we (or maybe it is only I) dislike to admit, even in the worst of crises we can still find many positives. It is only a matter of perception, maybe one's emotional quota?

It will always be the case in which humanity is struggling to wipe out all the negavities, but with the definition of negative ranging so widely throughout communities and even families, there is only one and only one way to solve this. The way lies in the path less travelled.

Sine Qua Non

2008-07-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

The quest has but only begun for me, and it is becoming apparent that the intensity of the present routines are seemingly insufficient to allow distinction, pun definitely intended. I begin to puzzle over the means through which I will be able to attain merit within the circumscribed amount of time which I have within my control at present, while others are ostensibly dashing their final lap of the race, much to my stupefaction and dismay. What can I do to salvage this wreck that I have seemingly arranged for myself?

The war is near its end, and it would take only the best strategian to be able to carry this perilous circumstance to a victorious conclusion. A hideous caterpillar into a stunning butterfly; a troglodyte into a man of distinction. I have the best strategian with me, but circumstances would only unravel favourably if I desire it as much as I work towards it. I see the way that the Guide is pointing me to, a desolate path filled with impediment, leading towards the Utopia. I have to find a way to induce the Flesh to take the path less travelled, away from the unobstructed path to self-destruction. Utopia or dystopia? The answer would lie in how I manage to handle my case and how I fight against my insidious wants.

I have been the culprit,
To my selfish needs.
Wash me in Your cleansing flow,
Take my hands and make it work,
For the goodness of Your love.
Wash me in unfailing mercy,
Take my life and let it shine,
For Your Kingdom's Glory fine.
I'm letting go,
Of false control.
Now all I know,
Your forgiveness and embrace.

Eternity

2008-07-21T19:44:00.000-07:00

The world today is such that the faces of people change along with time, from what they hear and what they see, or even what they feel. It is of the highest probability that people do not even feel the change, or even realize it, and those who do realize it can do precious little to salvage themselves from the transformation. This transformation is something of a double-edged sword, albeit the fact that it may hurt others in subtle ways that may be unknown to the person. I would probably call it "involuntary offense", for the heart knows nothing of evil intentions, but actions prove otherwise. I choose to ignore the disguised attacks, speaking of it only here, for few will be able to perceive the complexity of the situation without my prompting.

It is with an uncertain heart that I continue with the sempiternal struggle for the desirable subtleties of this life. The mind knows no bounds, but ropes of weakness bind it mercilessly to the pillar of ambiguity; the spirit longs to be strong, but circumstances pin it down to the cold, hard floor. Dubiety undermines my potential, fears mock me, sins cut my soul like a knife.

I desire the realms of eternity, but how could I possibly attain it? For every single time I break the rule, it has not been the last time that I broke it. I have failed time and time again without exception, how do I stop myself from self-inflicted injuries? How do I stop myself from walking away from the gates to eternity?

The Chocolatey Scent of Guilt

2008-07-18T02:51:00.000-07:00

It was great. Everything was great. I just had to ruin it for myself. It was all in the name of fun, wasn't it? How could I have reacted that way? I didn't even know what was happening, what I was doing. It's as if a monster had taken over. I feel so ashamed, to have failed time and again, and failing worse every single time.

I can still smell the scent of chocolate, reminding me of my failure, reminding me of the monster within, reminding me of the guilt I felt. I feel it now.

I'm sorry.

......

2008-07-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

Stars

Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same
I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy, maybe I'm the chance of rain
Maybe I'm overcast, and maybe all my lucks washed down the drain
I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone, you look so lonely

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars,the stars, I feel like myself
Stars looking at our planet watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I've been thinking bout the meaning of resistance, of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home
I've been thinking bout everyone, everyone, you look so empty

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars,
I feel like myself
everyone, everyone, we feel so lonely
everyone, yeah everyone, we feel so empty
When I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I feel like myself
When I look at the stars, the stars,
I see someone...

----------------------------------------------------

I really feel like I could be hospitalized anytime. I don't know why my body produces such a reaction every single time I have to pitch in harsh conditions, especially yesterday. The repercussions have never been so severe before, and I'm wondering whether I'm having some kind of brain problem, because it really hurts so bad I couldn't even sleep properly last night. It seemed alright when I woke up this morning, but somehow it started again when I was on the bus, all the way till now. From 6.40am to 9.30am and counting. Severe headache.

Things seem disturbingly stagnant at the moment, and I'm wondering why it always has to revert to the same old worries and the same old problems that I should have conquered years ago.

They say the power of the mind knows no bounds. They say the limits of humankind can never be found. There's bound to be someone in this world who starts to push the boundaries, and that someone is, a human. A human just like you and me. If another human can do it, why can't we?

Why can't we be the change that we want to see?

Why do people speak endlessly of changing the world, but they barely ever speak of changing themselves?

----------------------------------------------------

I have failed countless times, fallen prey to the schemes of the Evil One, but is it all within His plan? Is human sin predetermined, so as to lead us to the right path? Is predestination a truth? I need a key to unravel this paradox. God knows all our thoughts, our actions, every single whim of the heart. If He knows our every thought, and if He knows everything that we're going to do and everything that is going to happen to us, would it not mean that all our sins and failures are within His plans for us?

Maybe I shouldn't be figuring this out.

Interesting reads:

For predestination
http://www.mslick.com/predestination.htm
http://www.mslick.com/allmen.htm
http://www.the-highway.com/articleAug02.html

Against predestination:
http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/thomas_paine/predestination.html
http://people.cis.ksu.edu/~bbp9857/calvinism.html

感恩

2008-07-10T07:49:00.000-07:00

我有饭吃，有水喝，有书读，有琴弹，可真幸福呀。感谢神让我能看见，也感谢神让我能这么幸福，有一个美好的家庭。感谢神让我能在华初读书，给我机会能在新加坡鼎鼎有名的初级学院上课，也给我机会来证明神所赐给我的恩赐。

加油加油加油！

Home?

2008-07-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

Home- Switchfoot

It's a long way from Miami to LA
It's a longer way from yesterday
To where I am today

It's a long way from my thoughts
To what I'll say
It's a long, long way from paradise
To where I am today

All that's in my head
Is in Your hands

It's a long way from
The moon up to the sun
It's a longer road ahead of me
The road that I've begun

Stop to think of all the
Time I've lost
Start to think of all the
Bridges that I've burned
That must be crossed

Over, over, over
Take me over

I've been poison
I've been rain
I've been fooled again

I've seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I'll see home

Home, home

I can see the stars
From way down here
But I can't fall asleep
Behind the wheel

It's a long way from the
Shadows in my cave
Up to Your reality to
Watch the sunlight taking over

Over, over, over
Take me over

I've been poison
I've been rain
I've been fooled again

I've seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I'll see home

Home, home

----------------------------------------------------

As much as I hate to, I think I'm falling again. It really is such a mystery, how a mere combination of characters projected on a computer screen can cause a human being to experience complex emotions.

Sometimes the outcome matters, sometimes it doesn't. When the outcome matters so much to you, but it seems like everything you've been working for has fallen apart, what do you do? The problem is, I can't do anything to salvage it, save praying. I'd been praying. Prayer is a powerful tool, yes it is. I want to be okay, just like anybody else, but you're not helping at all. It's as if you've put on a mask every single time I see you, and I'm supposed to pretend that everything's alright. I did that, yeah, but it just makes me feel worse. Maybe I'm the one with the mask. Maybe I was never meant to express myself. All I ever experience nowadays is people putting me down, either that or apathy. They were right. Who gives a shit about me anyway.

It blows when I fail to live up to expectations. It blows when my expectations can't go any lower. It blows when you feel like you're in a different world. It blows when you feel like a freakin' alien in a place you're supposed to call home. Forgive me for being so myopic, but I really feel like I can't hang on.

What is home?

Is it a place? Is it a group of people? Is it a refuge? Is it comfort? Is it warmth? Is it communication? Is it love? Is it looking out for each other? Is it a thought?

Or is it just a figment of my imagination?..

Failure.

2008-07-04T01:34:00.000-07:00

So, even before getting even half of my results back, I am already feeling like a failure through and through.

I guess its another wake up call. Yeah, another. BT1 was bad enough, but I couldn't see an end to things then. God made me fail for a very good reason I guess.. There's no way I could have managed to ace my exams with that bit of serious work that I did. Everyone else worked hard through the holidays, and that is why I am the one with crap results.

My results at present just show that I have to work harder to achieve my target, and I'll be more than happy to do so. May God give me the strength to carry on and not falter..

Studying is just like running long-distance. The more you feel like stopping, the more you have to go on. All the way, all the way back home.

Monster

2008-06-28T07:07:00.000-07:00

Redemption- Switchfoot

Four A.M., two hours to go
I'm wearing out a lonely glow
I miss you more than I could know
Here I am, here I am
Won't you get me....

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive

With my fist down at your feet
I was running out of mysteries
Insecure and incomplete, here I am, here I am,
won't you get me?

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive, alive, come alive

My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me, worn me out

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive

-----------------------------------------------------------

This can't be happening. What's happened to my life? Was I living a lie without even knowing it? Everything's gone now. Even those I'd thought I could trust. I don't know. She's standing right there right now, and I know she's just pretending she hasn't seen me at all. Why can't anyone understand my position? Was this what I sacrificed my time for, to become invisible in the eyes of others?...

-message saved to drafts-

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I turned around and saw him there, but he wasn't himself anymore. Yeah, he looked the same, as always. Those shining eyes, those dull clothes, unkempt hair; well, he's never looked any different, maybe except when he came along one day wearing a cap because he'd shaved for a cause (I couldn't remember what). Yeah, physically, he's there alright. But things are different now. In recent times, it feels like he's become some sort of... monster. Just by the way he's become so negative, the way he gets caught up in worldly things and the way he feels so far away.

The extent of his negativity, well, there are no words within the limits of my vocabulary that can sufficiently describe it. He'd been pestering me for months on end, getting me to listen to all his laments and worries. Most of our conversations end with him trying to change for the better, but well, I guess those promises he made to himself never worked out. I'd tried to be patient, I can't recall how many times I tried, but I know I tried. It bothered me so much.

He used to be such a nice guy to talk to; enthusiastic, insightful, thoughtful, kind. I could make a whole list. Knowing all that, though, I guess I didn't really talk to him much. Ever since our first conversation, he kept looking me up to chat, and it grew pretty annoying after some time. I'd tried to be nice and enthusiastic because I didn't want to disappoint him, but gosh, those conversations kept coming at the worst possible times. I guess I could have dealt with things better, but hey, I'd apologized to him many times about it. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

"Life's never going to give you lemonade dude, you've gotta squeeze them lemons yourself", I said under my breath as I turned my back on him to find another seat. He was looking in my direction while his fingers typed endlessly on his cell. Whatever, I'd probably feel better if I consume my food without having to avoid his helpless gaze. It was such a burden he placed on my shoulders.

I saw a glitter of something streaking across his face as I turned.

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All I'd wanted was just someone who'd treat me like a real friend. Someone who'd freakin' treat me like a good friend, damnit. Yeah, they've got all their friends to worry about, because their friends are fun to be with. Their friends make them feel like everything is alright. I've never felt that kind of shit. YES SHIT DAMNIT. What kind of life am I living? I feel like I'm in a deep abyss right now. No one's making any effort to pull me out of it damnit what the hell are FRIENDS? People who see through you? Yeah now she goes away. Perfect. Sometimes I wonder if I really exist. WHAT THE HELL? Tears? I didn't even know I could still... cry. What in the world is wrong with me?...

-message saved to drafts-

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It really felt a lot better to eat without someone constantly trying to catch your eye. Can't he grow out of it? He's got to be more independent! Come on, look at him. All grown up, but unable to handle himself. What a pity. Hmm. Maybe he's got clinical depression. I should tell my friends about him, those smart alecs would probably know what he's suffering from.

I giggled to myself at the thought of Paul spouting a list of insane possibilities in reply to my question, while the others would cut in with their own freaky answers. These friends of mine are dead precious. Thank God I have these friends whom I could rely on... They've never failed to make me laugh, or cheer me up. I don't know why but I suddenly had the urge to look back at him, which I did.

It was tears, wasn't it? He's got his face buried in his hands now, bawling silently over his soup. What a pitiful sight. If only he'd known friends like mine. Maybe he'd be different. Oh well, no point worrying about that depressed lump over at the table, I'm late for my movie!

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It felt quite good to cry, somehow. At least I still can feel emotions. I loved her as a friend, and sometimes I am just so afraid that my emotions are dead, that I am but an empty shell, merely existing but not really living.. So I'm alive, what now?.. I've got nowhere to go, nothing to do, except wait for someone to save me. They say love will find a way, don't they? You know what, maybe I'm stressed out. Yeah, I'm probably stressed out. I'll go watch a movie right now..

-message saved to drafts-

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It was midnight.

They wanted to sneak into the cinema, all five of us, so we could have enough money for a good supper after the movie.

It was, of course, Paul's idea. He'd done it before, and he reckons it was a hell lot easier for him to sneak into the cinema compared to entering the guys' toilet. I knew it sounded pretty... fishy. There was just something wrong about not paying to enjoy something. It'd be exciting though.. I thought for a moment before I made a decision, but as I was deep in thought... I saw him again, through the corner of my eye. Damn! What, is he stalking me now? He's definitely going to be the guy to ruin my day. Such a jinx!

Anyway, I decided it wasn't right to sneak in, and I told my friends about it. The response I got was totally unexpected; they fell to the ground laughing. They weren't laughing because I'd made a joke, no, they were laughing AT me. Like I was the joke.

"OH SO NOW GOODY TWO-SHOES IS GOING TO RUIN OUR PLAN FOR THE NIGHT?" Paul hollered while I remained silent, still very taken aback by their reaction. They'd started making jokes up about my mother when he came along.

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Damn, why the hell do I keep seeing her around? hfdeu238fyi3euohjekdhawbhkfbr

-message saved to drafts-

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"HEY! HEY! RUN, DAMNIT, RUN! QUICKLY", he shouted as he approached, "COME ON!"

Sensing that something was wrong, my friends gradually shut up and started looking warily around. Paul's face turned a deathly white as he started scrambling away. My other friends followed suit, while I stood rooted to the ground and looking around in confusion, not knowing what was happening.

Then I saw them.

Four huge men were approaching, each carrying a different weapon, and staring mercilessly at me. For the first time in my life, I felt alone, staring Death in the face. Not for long though, as he reached my side, pushing me away.

"RUN! QUICK!" He shouted as he charged towards the thugs.

Those shining eyes, those dull clothes and unkempt hair. I could not find the strength to move my feet, much less run, and by the time I managed to find the ability to move my feet, I chose to heed his advice to turn around and run away. Surely his reckless charge was only a decoy? He wouldn't be so foolish as to take them head-on, would he?

I saw a glitter of something streaking across his form as I turned.

My heart skipped a beat. I didn't look, I couldn't look. I ran round the corner and hid behind the bushes, tears running endlessly down my cheeks, trying to control the uncontrollable sobs. Screams, terrible, deathly screams. I could hear them from where I was.

By the time they walked past the bush, it was fifteen minutes later, an eternity.

"We didn't kill him, did we, boys?"
"Not too sure dude, but we sure beat the hell outta him."
"Yeah man, awesome whackin' down there. I can't wait to get my hands on that Paul dude though."
"Bloody brat owes me a fortune for that stock of drugs, damn. I'll make sure he gets it."

I made sure they were gone before I moved out of my hiding place. Paul, a drug dealer? The reality struck me hard, but I had to get to him. He'd better be alive, or I'd never forgive myself for running away like a freaking coward.

It was a grisly sight, but he was still breathing. Apparently the thugs had traded their weapons for knuckles, for they were fighting only a single, unarmed man. Thank goodness. He's still alive. There is hope. I saw his phone lying nearby and called for an ambulance, and then I knelt there and prayed.

Right now, he looked like a monster. Shining eyes replaced by swollen ones, dull clothes torn and tattered, unkempt hair pulled off his scalp by clumps. But I've never felt him so.. eerily beautiful. He was someone who risked his life to save me, and he was right here in front of me, closer to death with every passing second.

I held him in my arms for the longest time as I cried, and yet help had not yet arrived within twenty minutes now. Time was running out, and I was about to give up all hope when he stirred in my arms.

Those shining eyes shone again.

"Hey." He said as he tried to curl his swollen lips into a smile.

A tear dropped from my face and onto his. I stared into those beautiful eyes for a moment, and only for a moment, that last time his eyes ever shone.

It was only days later that his mother approached me and passed me his cell.

"I think you'd want to see this. He loved you, girl. He loved you so."

Who's the monster now?

whee

2008-06-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

Heaven and earth here and now.

Wonder how to feel that when I'm fainting from all the physics.

Don't Be There- Switchfoot

2008-06-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

Don't be there
'Cause I'm on my way

And I'm already gone over
And I'm on my way

And I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself

I'm down here
And you're way up there

But that doesn't hurt badly
But it stings right here

And I won't pretend there's
Nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square

If you're a rose
Then I'm the thorn
That's in your side

And does it hurt badly
'Cause it burns right here

I'd like to say hello
I'd like to say I care
I'd like to let you know
That nothing here's the same with me
Nothing here's the same

Don't be around
Don't be there

Support

2008-06-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

Today's FF mentioned the Church, the fact that it is not the building, but the gathering of believers as a family united by one thing which is God. The Church is there to, support you. The family is there to constantly remind you that your imperfections do not matter.

I was feeling a bit. Weird. Yeah I felt quite weird when it was mentioned as such because I've never felt that church was, family-ish. Treat everyone like your own biological brothers and sisters, I learnt. We're all friends in church, yes, but for me in church it has never felt like it's gone beyond the level of 'good friends', much less brothers and sisters?

I don't know. Maybe I've been severely disillusioned all these while.

It has been a very taxing week for me physically and mentally. Long study hours, uncertainty in facing the exams, inability to rest effectively... The list of things that add to the 'challenges' list just keeps piling on. God, I can't do this on my own. People, I can't do this on my own.

Jo, you're too weak to do all this yourself.

P.S. Anyway thanks to those who've talked to me, or sent me messages and all. I bet you don't know how awesome it feels to get a bit of encouragement when you're dying at the study table. Thanks again.

o.o

2008-06-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

'Damian ๏̯͡๏) thats it, im going crazy. says:
white nigger
'Damian ๏̯͡๏) thats it, im going crazy. says:
huang fei hong damn nice
[07]__ショ! doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs says:
huang fei hong is a white nigger?!
[07]__ショ! doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs says:
i thought he's yellow

woohoo holiday lalala

2008-06-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't figured out much, but I think I'm losing focus somehow. I'll have to buck up!

Anyway, the past several days have been spent studying and online. Mostly Mathematics, because that is the only subject which I think I really have a chance to improve in. I'm having long hours of math tuition and revision, the results better show...

I officially haven't touched Physics and Economics. Woohoo the future is looking SO bright.

Sincerity is my best policy. I'll be that ever-obliging dude. Won't matter if you take advantage of me. If you want to do so, do it, because you'll feel guilty for it if you've got a heart. If you feel guilty, well, at least you've got more than a glimmer of hope. The first will be the last.

To become the greatest you have to be the slave of all.

back and hopefully on track

2008-06-15T02:24:00.000-07:00

Second day back but I have yet to get proper sleep due to certain commitments. This is really taking a lot out of me. I should sleep properly tonight before I go about starting my new week..

Anyway, the mission trip was a really awesome trade-off for the one week of study time. Well worth it, for it was beautiful. Yeah, beautiful is one of the precious few words that I know which applies in description of the trip. I don't know how to put things into words, and especially when faced with such an experience, I really cannot find any words to adequately describe it. Let's just say that if you haven't seen what I have seen, or felt what I have felt on my week away, you will probably not be able to understand the way I feel now. Even if I'm telling you about my trip and all, please. I have already stated above that I do not know how to put things into words, so what you hear will only be a teeny weeny fraction of what I went through. I don't know if it's good or bad, to have experienced something that so few have experienced.

During FF yesterday, I tried sharing my feelings with Joel during the prayer time and I couldn't really describe the way I felt there and then. At that time, too, looking at everyone praying and all, something inside me wished so hard that everyone could have seen what I have seen and felt what I have felt. It feels like such a huge responsibility, for God to have shown me the things as such and sending me back here to a group of people who have seen but have not felt. What is it that I must do with my life, to be able to make others feel the sincerity and the purity of God's love?

God's love is what is shown through the lives of the elders in Batam; God's love is what keeps the Christians in Pulau Lingka from the temptation of a better life, at the price of a simple conversion in religion; God's love is what keeps the believers believing, and it is what makes the believer want to share it with the ones they love so much; God's love is the panacea for all ailments, whether one is on the brink of death, or whether it is just another physical discomfort; God's love is what built the education centre and school in Pekanbaru, and I see it as similar to watching a river pour out from a wasteland; God's love is what sent my Dad for church-planting, and it is what kept him going on for years upon years, thousands upon thousands of kilometers traveled through countless dangers; God's love is what drove us through His lands, and brought us back safe and sound; God's love is the reason why we spur each other on to greater heights.

For those who have asked, I have answered, "Everything is the same, but everything is different now. Singapore is still the way I left it one week ago. The people are the same, the living environment is the same, every little detail is the same, but things just feel so different now."

I very much cannot describe the difference that I feel. Maybe I will type it down once I figure it out.. Anyway the next paragraph might seem random to some, and a sensitive topic, but it is something that's troubling me.

My belief: women shouldn't be wearing revealing clothes. All the short shorts, miniskirts, whatever you can think of. What is it for anyway? To attract attention? To want others to think of them as pretty? What does it matter what other people think of you anyway? It is a point that appeared very prominently to me after I got back from the trip, because where I've been to, the women don't dress that way. I'd thought it before, that materialism and self-image is playing far too prominent a role in the lives of people today, but it really is bugging me right now, that it appears like some women just cannot stand it if they don't lead the guys to sin. Imagine the temptation that a teenager with raging hormones walks down Orchard Road faces. It might well be what leads him into a lifetime of sin. Who knows? From my point of view, this is the propagation of materialism in the lives of people.

Brothers, it is a constant temptation to sin every single time you walk out of the house and into the world (especially when you go to town), but fight it and fight hard. Train yourself to look away, and think of better things like Jesus. It is a very real challenge that we Christians face in the world today, with the emphasis on freedom of the individual. I just have one last quote, from Dad.

"Faith is the internal factor, so strengthen the internal and you'll be able to cope with the external."

The world works in such a way to mislead us Christians from God. Do not for once accept that the status quo of society is acceptable in God's eyes. Like gaming, internet and pop culture. It doesn't mean that, hey, if everyone does it, it is alright for me to do it. For things like gaming and internet, well, a bit is fine. Excessive indulgence in these worldly things will only pull you away from God though, and watch the kinds of games you play. I played a certain game that I will not name (due to fear of a defamation suit being directed at me, which I do not have the financial resources for. I can only say that it involves lots of crime and all), and I totally totally hate myself for having indulged in such a sinful creation of Man.

At least I know I am forgiven.

Anyway, I shall be ending here, I just found out <---(yes that is a hyperlink) that 6pm is the best time to be running. A more elaborate account of my trip shall be posted soon, when studies are less of a worry.

Adios, people.

Day 6

2008-06-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

Okay hey no story for this post, that's as far as I got with that storyline. I know I can develop it further, but well, I haven't. Haha. Ideally it would have been a full adventure, you-kick-my-ass-I-kick-yours kind, and in the end the dude saves the damsel in distress and stuff, BUT WITH A TWIST AT THE END. I have it in my head but gee, when will I ever get to use it?

Scheduled posts are awesome gee I can act as if I'm in Singapore when I'm not.

Anyway, just for all you soccer fans, EURO 2008 is free-to-air in Indonesia. HA! I swear Indonesian tv rocks. So much more originality and creativity in it too.

Okay so it's near the end of my trip now, and I guess it has to be a really enriching experience, one week out in the name of God. I do hope I'm a changed person by the time this post is published! Then I'll come back and be the salt and the light that God wants me to be (:

One thing for sure though, I MISS SINGAPORE D: okay lah I don't miss Singapore that much. I miss the people. Ha. Anyway I'm coming back tomorrow so I'll be updating tomorrow YAY no more scheduled posting!

TAKE CARE PEOPLE MUG HARD

Story! part 3

2008-06-10T18:00:00.000-07:00

Tracy saw Travis' autistic brother pull off a nearly-impossible flip in closed quarters at his entirely incoherent command, effectively disposing the threat caused by the advancing thug. She gasped in awe, in spite of the situation at hand, and wondered whether she would ever be able to execute a decent flip in her lifetime.

"Wow." The old lady hiding behind her blurted.

Tracy never had a chance to contemplate the possibility of her being sufficiently athletically-inclined to ever perform a standing flip within her lifespan. A sudden movement by the second thug grabbed Tracy's attention; he had raised his .38 and was preparing himself to shoot Travis' autistic brother. All fear and apprehension forgotten, Tracy rushed the thug from behind.

What if I don't make it in time? What if he shot me instead? Scores upon scores of what-ifs came to mind as she charged towards the thug, but these thoughts faded away as rapidly as they came.

Five steps away. She saw Travis' autistic brother staring blankly at the gun-wielding thug, arms held loosely at his sides, as if the gun posed no more danger to him than a slice of tasty cake.

Four steps away. The thug was taking aim, which was really unnecessary. It was a point blank shot, and not even a frail grandmother no more used to wielding a gun than a Playstation controller would have been able to miss the shot.

Three steps away. She heard the old woman behind her saying "Oh dear." and the cashier taking up the phone to call the police.

Two steps away. The gunman fired.

The bullet did not hit its intended target. Tracy gasped as the bullet hit Travis in the chest. Yes, she knew Travis. They were schoolmates at the local college once, and Tracy had once had a severe crush on Travis. Tall, kind, handsome, athletic and intelligent, Travis was the ideal guy back then in college. Now he looked no different, no less charming compared to his college days, only that he had a bullet wound on his chest.

Stunned by the shock but also unable to stop her reckless charge due to the sheer momentum of her progress, she crashed the gunman at full speed, sending the both of them into a shelf full of condiments. Fortunately for Tracy, the crash had sent the .38 flying to the other end of the shop, out of reach from both thugs. Now she had to deal with the thug hand-to-hand; a middle-aged, stout man against one pissed woman. Tracy kicked the thug once in the gut, taking advantage of the shock rendered to the man by the crash. Twice. She would have disposed of the thug entirely if he had not resorted to throwing bottles at her. Now the situation was reversed, and the hunter became the hunted. Tracy was hit many times under a barrage of cans and bottles. Retreating and covering her face with her hands, she stepped back hurriedly only to find herself at the other corner of the store, retreat blocked by a wall of candies. She glanced at Travis, then at Travis' autistic brother, at the same time wincing with pain as bottles and cans struck her everywhere.

I missed you, Travis. She thought as she fell to her knees to make herself a smaller target.

By the time the thug ran out of ammunition and the shower of mustard and ketchup relented, she was lying unconscious in a pool of sauce.

The thug, victorious, climbed to his feet in triumph and gave Tracy a look of disgust, after which he proceeded to empty the cash register into his rucksack. Sensing, feeling, knowing that nothing else in the store posed as a danger to him now, the thug turned around and took a glancing blow in the face.

"Ouch." The cashier blurted.

The old woman had struck the thug's head with the butt of the .38, effectively disposing of him.

Shocked by what she had done and also by the grisly, bloody scene in the store, (mostly ketchup and chili sauce), the old woman crumpled to her knees and fainted.

Story! part 2

2008-06-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Travis was awakened by the sound of Lenny whimpering like a lost dog.

"Lenny full. Cake. Travis help." Lenny had noticed Travis entering the room. Still surprised to hear Lenny looking him in the eye and speaking to him, Travis rubbed his eyes and slapped himself twice, once on each cheek. The pain was real, so he was not dreaming. Eager to not disappoint his brother and hoping to draw a conversation out of him, Travis hurried to the kitchen to get a slice of chocolate cake and a cup of water.

Lenny wolfed the cake down and asked for more (Less! Less!), but there was no more cake in the kitchen. Remembering the new advertisements made by 7-eleven, which had started selling cakes recently, Travis exclaimed "CAKE!" in glee and he sounded uncannily like Lenny. Not good. Travis then pulled the covers off Lenny and told him to follow.

"Cake here, Len. Come, follow."
"Come, follow." Lenny replied with a blank expression.
"Follow me to get cake, Len. Cake, me. Walk, cake."

In Lennyland, apparently, the opposite of walk was crawl. Lenny dropped to his knees and waited at Travis' foot. He'd forgotten.

"Stand!"

Lenny stood up and did a handstand, which surprised Travis so much that he nearly fell over with shock. Lenny's definition of words changed on a regular basis, and coherence was certainly not a way of life in Lennyland.

"Sit! Crawl!"

Lenny performed a flip with the gracefulness of a ballerina, landed firmly on his feet and started walking. If Lenny was one thing, he was highly obedient to his brother when he was responsive. Wordplay tackled, Travis started out of the house and towards 7-eleven, coaxing Lenny to follow him with mutters of "Crawl slow get cake".

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Tracy was still thinking about why things went all haywire on stage.

Finding no answer and suddenly reminded by the growling in her stomach that she had not eaten dinner due to the fear of regurgitating on stage, Tracy felt hungrier than ever. A quick search of the kitchen, however, revealed that the house was having a severe shortage of snacks.

7-eleven seemed like the only place in which she could satiate her hunger at this hour.

"Damn, I could eat a cow. Wish I could have some barbecued meat from that fat woman with the evil laugh in the third row though."

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Travis entered the 7-eleven, which was unusually crowded at 3 a.m. in the morning. There were two men shifting through the beer collection, an elderly woman walking aimlessly around the store, and an attractive but glum-looking young woman with blonde hair who was evidently starving, as she was carrying large boxes of crackers and a box of cake to the counter.

"Cake." Lenny drooled.
"Cake. Wait here. Stay. I mean, go!" Lenny stood motionless in response to this command, staring into the shelves.

The young woman was curiously staring at him. Travis nodded at her curtly, which drew a brilliant smile from her.

"Sorry if we're bothering you Miss, but my brother's autistic. He's largely incoherent most of the time." Travis said in a mild, apologetic tone.

Much to his surprise (and dismay), Lenny repeated after him.

"Sorry if we're bothering you Miss, but my brother's autistic. He's largely incoherent most of the time."

This unexpected response from Lenny drew much laughter in the store. Everyone had been listening in on their conversation. The mirth, although soothing the dreary winter night, did not last long. The two men drew revolvers from their coat pockets and shouted wildly, gesturing at the cashier to empty the register into a bag.

"SHUT UP AND NO TRYING TO CALL THE POLICE!" The thug shouted.
"SHUT UP!" Lenny shouted in response. Big trouble.
"Who do you think you are, kid? Shut the hell up!" Apparently the thug thought the 'autistic' part was just a joke, or that he did not have any consideration for people with mental differences. He was probably both of the cases listed above.
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Lenny echoed.
"I'm gonna rip yer guts out if you don't shut up!"
"SHUT UP!"

Travis watched with horror as the thug aimed a kick at Lenny, who was standing at the doorway, blocking the exit of the thugs.

"SIT, LENNY. SIT!" Travis shouted, remembering what the command had done just moments ago.

"Sit." Lenny said as he wheeled into the air like a seasoned acrobat, booting the thug in the face as he did so. The thug immediately fell, groaning in pain and cursing like a sailor, holding his face in his hands. Travis swore that if Lenny had learnt this colourful language and used it even once, he would rip the guts out of this thug which had corrupted Lenny vocabulary with those profanities.

"Wow." The old lady gaped at Lenny in awe.

Then Travis noticed the other thug, gun raised, ready to dispose of the autistic acrobat. Everything seemed to slow down at that moment, and Travis saw the thug pulling the trigger even as he jumped in front of Lenny to shield him from the deadly bullet. He saw the expression of fear and frustration on the gunman's face. He saw the shocked expressions of the old lady and the young woman. He saw the bullet twist and turn. He saw the bullet going into his chest, creating a bloody hole. Feeling no pain but knocked over by the impact, his vision blurred. The last thing he saw was Lenny's face, blurred, but he swore he could see tears falling from Lenny's eyes.

I love you, buddy.

He blacked out.

*end of part 2*

Story! part 1

2008-06-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

The night sky never looked that depressing to Travis Burns. In fact it had never even looked the slightest bit of bleak before that, never even suggested melancholy, heck, it sometimes even looked happier than the days which preceded it. Now the moon hung in the sky, looking much less happy than it looked ominous. Travis believed strongly- almost to the point of obsession- that his mind was the ultimate stronghold against the cares and woes of the world, that the power of positive thinking could take him out of every predicament he faced. Now this belief was gradually fading away from him, and he did not know the reason why.

"Day is cold. Lenny needs snow." A dismal voice came to Travis from somewhere outside the room.

Lenny was Travis' brother. A good-natured, movie-loving and highly intellectual person capable of regurgitating the contents of a large portion of an encyclopaedia, but nonetheless as unique as a brother could get. Lenny was autistic, living in his own world most of the time- Lennyland, as Travis called it, where the whole human race (numbering only one, to be precise) ate only wheat and dairy products and brushed their teeth at least five times a day, ten minutes each- and living in evasion of the 'real' world. Although Lenny was capable of verbal communication, he rarely utilised that gift. On any normal day, an attempt to start a conversation with Tom would be as fruitless as trying to find snow in the Sahara desert, for Lenny only was slightly more responsive than a rock at his best. Travis himself had only heard Lenny actually speaking to him, not at him, less than ten times in the span of ten years. Travis was not the only person who could care for Lenny, but he was the only person in the whole world (other than charities filled with benevolent volunteers) who would take care of Lenny since their parents' deaths.

Every single day was a challenge when you had an autistic brother, but Travis had relied, utilised, and survived on the strength of positive thinking. He loved Lenny more than anything in the world, and although many have laughed at him, scorned him, advised him to place Lenny in a 'first-class facility', he had loved Lenny even more with each passing day. The power of positive thinking.

Travis loved his brother too much to let him suffer in the oh-so-damaging chill of the winter, and he hurriedly shook himself off the couch to tend to his brother. It took no more than ten seconds to find Lenny, who was sitting on his bed and staring at the ceiling, as though there was something there which was more of an interest than a blank piece of paper. As Travis entered the room, Lenny suddenly burst into a rapid, slurred speech.

"Cold, very cold. Freezing. Terrible cold. Lenny wants snow."

Travis had had enough of Lenny's incoherent speech to be able to know what he was trying to say. Well, sometimes Lenny spoke in opposites, and in this case "cold" meant "hot". "Snow" was just Lenny's word for "air-conditioner". It did not take a genius to figure this particular wordplay though, because Lenny was dressed as if he was part of a research crew in the realms of Antartica when the night was not cold enough to even freeze a puddle of water, let alone a man. Lenny, however, resisted all of Travis' persistent efforts to remove his winter gear ("HOT! HOT!") and trashed with all his might, kicking Travis a few times in the struggle. Just when Travis was about to give up, Lenny stopped trashing and fell into a deep slumber with a peaceful expression on his face, showing no signs of awareness of the struggle just seconds ago.

Sighing with relief, Travis removed the winter gear and replaced them with a blanket, saying a prayer and silently wishing for a miracle.

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Tracy Dunn could not imagine a bigger failure than being booed by a crowd on her first performance, and she certainly could not take the blow when it actually happened. Fortunately for her, she had enough grit in her to be able to leave the stage in a manner by which she thought graceful before breaking down backstage. Everyone said that life was unfair, everyone said that it was a tough career, but she never knew that it could be that tough.

She never knew it could be such a bitch.

That night, she could not sleep, and it was nothing to do with the mild winter temperatures. As far as she could remember, she had always wanted to be a comedian. She had grown up in a family full of tender loving care, and she wanted to share the gift of laughter to those who have not been as lucky as her. She wanted to brighten up their lives by making them laugh, and she wanted to touch their lives. Her humour was- at least it was supposed to be- full of meaning, giving the average person not only ephemeral laughter, but also food for thought. Apparently thought had no longer played a part in people's lives, for they had mercilessly cut her down with their vicious strokes of insult for trying to help them.

Life is such a bitch sometimes, she thought. Cares and woes roam the Earth, but the door of hope was always there as an escape. Now Life was kind enough to slam that door on Tracy's face.

At least I still have windows to look for.

Tracy lay down on her bed, dream shattered, and continued brooding over the night's failure. She thought of how she would survive the next day without hope to push her on, and she wondered what kind of windows she would find, whether they had locks on it or not.

*end of part 1*

Day 2

2008-06-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

KPC people, you guys leaving for Malacca today right? Hey, enjoy the camp! People like, cough, me. Want to go also no chance. Haha. Anyway, it's my second day away from Singapore and I bet all hopes of my nuffnang cost per unique visitor feature is down the drain. Getting constantly more than 20 readers a day is difficult like mad! I could use a poisson distribution to approximate the probability of getting at least 20 people a day 1-P(X<20) but oh what the heck.

You must be wondering why I'm so off track with this post. Ohwell it's 3am now typing this message a few days ago from when you're reading this. Sleepy and definitely hungry. Bad combo. A hungry man is an angry man. So he blogs. Woohoo.

I'm dead sleepy now, but somehow something keeps me up. Maybe because of the songs I'm listening to HA Switchfoot o.O Anyway thanks Lameia for the song dedication on 98.7 the other day! HAHA YOU DIDN'T SOUND LAUGHABLE LAH.

Anyway, with a sprained ankle I don't think I'll be able to exercise much, even when I get back from the mission trip D: which means that I'll be growing fat and all within the next week or so. Hurrah!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL! HOPE MY TRIP IS GOING WELL LOL TOMORROW WE'RE TAKING PLANE TO PEKANBARU!! YES I CAN MEET MY COUSINS THERE.

Oh, and I wrote a story! Well, part of it anyway. This was part of a "thriller" I was writing, and I was hoping I'd make it a book, but I haven't been able to keep writing due to time commitments. Hope you guys like it I'll publish it in bits from tomorrow on!

Leaving

2008-06-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

So today is the day I left for Indonesia with the team from Spiritual Grace Presbyterian Church for the mission/evangelical trip. We're probably be safe and sound in Batam by the time you read this post, HOPEFULLY. Pray for all of us, for God to bless us with a safe trip there and back on the 13th. To Batam, well, it's by ferry from the Singapore Cruise Centre and about an hour and a half tops across a small bit of the sea.

At this point of time when I'm typing this post, at 2.30am of Friday June the 6th, lethargic and all, I can't help but look forward to the coming experience. I'm wondering why I'm looking forward to the trip so much. Maybe because it's my first time going on such a trip. Maybe because I won't be studying much. Maybe because I'll be making new friends. Maybe it's just an escape from my problems at the moment. Maybe it's consolation for not being able to go for church camp. Whatever it is, I'm on it and I'm going to make the best out of it. I trust that God will guide the group!

We will be in Batam for two days before we leave for Pekanbaru for the inland trip. I don't know what we're doing yet, but I'm sure there's always something useful to do. If there's really nothing to do, I could go running, play guitar, read GP (D:) etc. Nothing to worry about! Also, I'm sure that the experience will be a life-changing one. Maybe I'll come back with new perspectives, and hopefully a reduction in skin thickness. Gee. I desperately need a shift in point of view, and what Zham was telling me the other day, about the true nature of things or whatever zen-ish stuff, it really is quite true. When you look at it the right way, your problems now could be helping you in the long run.

That's about it, come again tomorrow! I'll have another post published on time everyday at 9am.

BYE SINGAPORE I'LL BE BACK IN A WEEK! AND FRIENDS, I'LL MISS YOU GUYS D:

Anyway, check this out. Thanks to YH I'm hooked.

2008-06-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

Wow. Packing feels pretty good.

Just went down to collect the mail, and hey I noticed. The air at midnight has this subtle yet distinct scent.

Pleasant.

Right.

2008-06-05T07:12:00.000-07:00

So today I tried learning vectors, which Damian quoted as "very easy" for him. D: If only I was tested on stuff that I have a bit of aptitude on, like softball, maybe I could be doing pretty well for my exams. For now, though, I'm just hitting all the batters who stand in my way. HA.

Anyway, went to watch Prince Caspian today and it was pretty okay. Battle scenes could have been better but I guess since the intended audience = children, they're already showing too much violence. Big deal though, as if the kids won't see violence anywhere else. The plot had many flaws in it, just too many inherent flaws, but the producers did a pretty good job by actually pulling it off.

$6+$2.70+$1.50+$1.10+$2= $13.30

OMG.

Anyway, while I'm away for the mission/evangelical trip from 7th to 13th, my blog will still RUN. I'll have a scheduled update EVERY SINGLE DAY (I hope) haha so KEEP CHECKING!

Ciaos people!

2008-06-03T04:23:00.000-07:00

Love, is giving others the power to hurt you, and trusting them not to.

Living Is Simple

2008-06-03T03:46:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty good day, hey. Met up with Yuan Hong to study and it happened that Toh Ming Xuan and Eddie Ang could come too. Its been ages since I last saw them, much less talk to them. Ha. Edmund Teo and You Jin came along too not long after. That was what I freakin' missed so much about secondary school; the people who you can relate to and feel comfortable doing what you like. Damn it felt good to have them around.

I studied an acceptable amount, given my 4-day hiatus over the weekend and yesterday. It's just that I haven't really got the hang of all the variance stuff. More practise needed. Anyway I'm going to start running again tonight, after buying all the stuff I need to hang on while Mum's away. Wonder where I should run.

Life's alright, only when I don't think about things. I guess it's a skill I need to learn. I shouldn't let others affect me. Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy once said, "If you want to be happy, be." Wow. He makes it sound so simple, and at the same time he makes me wonder whether it really is that easy to be happy.

Is it that simple?

Maybe it is, maybe not. It's pretty difficult for me to evaluate. I know the key to true happiness, and it's God. Key's lying right there on the table. All I have to do is pick it up and open the door...

-----------------------------------

Living Is Simple - Switchfoot

Living is simple
It's gravity
Gravity isn't so hard
Living is simple
it's entropy
Entropy, falling apart
I'm falling apart again

Living is simple
And breathing is easy
it's easy to do
Living is simple
And losing is easy
I'm losing my cool
I'm losing my cool again

All will be made well
Will be made well
Will be made well
Will be well

Is this fiction?
Is this fiction?
Hope has given himself to the world
Is this fiction or divine comedy
Where the last of the last finish first
Living is simple

Living is dying
Your mercy, Your mercy
Is how I believe
Living is dying
I can't understand it
I'm down on my knees
Confessing my needs again

I've had my choices
I've chosen today
I've had my choices
The choices remain

2008-06-02T10:12:00.000-07:00

I think we walked into it with totally different definitions of the word.

Banana watermelon chocolate pies with strawberry and sodium monoglutamate plus instant noodle toppings

DAMN IT WHY DO I HAVE TO END UP CENSORING WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY.

weird

2008-06-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

Haha this weekend was weird. Really really weird. Gosh.
Friday was weird because I suddenly didn't feel bad about spending a not-so-small sum of money.
Saturday was weird because Synod Youth Games was weird. Overwhelmingly difficult, seemingly pointless and definitely exhausting.
Sunday was weird because it was the fun-nest time I have ever had with Cat High Alumni (lynx) in a league match.

I managed to catch up a bit with Marcus Tan recently, on Saturday. Even though it was an online chat it felt great to know that I'm not forgotten, but it also made me feel guilty for not being able to appreciate these old friends that I have. Darn. Anyway, quote Marcus (hope you don't mind)

-----------------------------------
Marcus says:
haha we all have our struggles

Marcus says:
its quite hard to adapt

Marcus says:
cus, its pretty damned different
-----------------------------------

And, I pretty damned agree. Gee. It has been a real struggle for me to adapt to the new life I have now compared to what I had in Catholic High. Now what, I'm just getting used to JC life and the A levels are just around the corner. Not just that, anyway. The problems bugging me just keep multiplying... Sometimes I really feel like I can't do this, I want to end this right now, but I know it isn't the right way out of the problem. Frustrating, when the old problems come back to haunt me, and the not-so-old problems too.

GOD SAVE ME D:

-----------------------------------

Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

life as it is

2008-05-29T22:44:00.000-07:00

Running further everyday... Ran to Serangoon Gardens yesterday through Lorong Chuan and back to Bishan! Ohwell, anyway I shall be taking a break from running this weekend to allow my legs some recovery time before running again next week because my legs are aching quite badly. Which just means that the leg muscles are growing YAY. Hahaha.

Went for consult this morning, I'm quite glad that I managed to learn some important things which I would never have covered if I had studied at home. Hmm. Saw some articles on time management and effective studying some time ago, and it mentioned that I have to reward myself every single time I achieve a target. Maybe I should start trying to reward myself, so I can keep working. Wonder what my rewards can be...

Synod Youth Games tomorrow!!! I think I should charge my camera like, today. It's going to be as fun as Synod Youth Camp I hope! Even though its only for a day, hey, I met some great friends just right before I left camp last year! Amazing how things usually work out from the most unlikely situation. So yeah praying for clear skies and cool winds tomorrow! Haha I don't mind some snow though xD

Oh anyway Cat High Alumni (lynx) is playing Storm on Sunday at 9am. B-E-A-UTIFUL. I'm really looking forward to a great match! I've only played against Storm once, and it was last year during the NUS open. Woohoo can't wait can't wait!

Update ends here I'm going to reward myself with some ice cream and hopefully some PS3 play! MUAHAHAHAH.

Devotion

2008-05-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

I've been running, trying to be one who sees
I've been working, salvation out on my knees
There is nothing better than knowing
That we are redeemed
Unbelieving trusting in creative hands,
I am praying for our world to bow to your plan
And this one thought is unmistakable
I take up my cross and follow you Lord

When you stand the tall trees and mountains bow
When you speak the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen, and I fall to my knees

Unforgiven, my savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focused on the savior who gave his live
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow you Lord

I will take up my cross and follow Lord where you lead me
And I will take up my cross and follow wherever you go

---------------------------------------------------

This song really meant a lot to me, in three aspects of my life.

First one, YES I've been running, check out the first line of the lyrics. HAHA. I never really knew that running could feel so great. I love night runs especially! Can last longer :D I don't know why but the discipline to run every night has somehow found its way into my head. I've been running everyday and I've been running for longer durations and to further places! (woots today I ran to AJC and back from Bishan!) Sense of achievement with every barrier crossed... Hurrah!

Okay, secondly, devotion in terms of friendship and family! I have been going through some rough patches lately with certain people in my life (yes buddy to be honest and if you didn't know, which I really doubt it, you're the person who affected me the most D: hahah), and it is indeed a lesson for me to learn that all storms will not last. I just need a degree of devotion, of love, to the person, and a teeny weeny bit of faith to hang on. (NOTE: remember that the Bible says a teeny weeny bit of faith is all it takes to move mountains!) Well, I've moved uhh, a kind of mountain I think. I've managed to weather through the storm thanks to God! He's removed the barrier finally and I really really feel so thankful for that. My Block Tests are coming soon though... Hope that it won't become another barrier! Still need a bit of space to breathe >.< ..

The third and most important one would be devotion in my walk with God!! Check out the bridge of the song:

I will take up my cross and follow Lord where you lead me
And I will take up my cross and follow wherever you go

Last post I posted about TUMC right? Still remember what it means? It means "Taking Up My Cross"! Anyway, this parallel in the lyrics and the significance of the exact same words in my life reeeeeally meant a lot to me (which is why the song got 5 twinkling stars on my recently acquired iPod! Plus, it sounds good anyway hahah.) SO yeah. Devotion to God. You know why we need to be devoted? Because God did it first for us! Quotes "Send Me" by Planet Shakers:

Send me, I will go
Send me, I will go
To this city
To this nation
And to the nations of the world

Thats the kind of devotion we need in every aspect of our lives!! Anyway, I shall end my post here, for fear of the early morning flu bug or something. Tell your parents you love them okay! Bye :D

Whoa

2008-05-25T04:20:00.000-07:00

I'm out of the fire and into the cool realms of the refrigerator. Oops, pardon me for the pretty far-fetched metaphor. I'm just hungry. Anyway, things have settled down, although I do not know whether I'm dealing with it the right way. Things definitely seem brighter now though because I think I've managed to let go. Now I actually feel motivated to spend my holidays eating books, and I'm glad I am able to feel this way, because it means that I still have hopes of redeeming myself. Yay.

From today on, I am going to stick to my daily targets (TODAY'S TARGET: FINISH ALL THE EXTRA QUESTIONS OF BINOMIAL & POISSON). If anyone EVER happens to want to meet me, I'm afraid I would have to comply only when it is absolutely necessary. This paragraph is highly redundant because, well, who wants to meet me anyway? Hahah.

What Justin said yesterday was really inspiring for me, because it really has been a while since I've taken a walk with God. All along I have wanted to meet my friends, I've wanted so badly to just spend a bit of time with them, but I don't think I've ever thought of spending an afternoon with God. I'll have to set my priorities right. Oh, and one more thing. I don't know if my parents will allow me to help out for "The Promise", either as a vocalist or I don't know what :D I'm going to ask mum like, tomorrow. Let's hope she agrees. It's going to be tough, but I really want to do something special for God to make Him happy! After all, it's because of Him that I'm so fortunate to have all the things I need and more.

I sang for worship with Marianne yesterday! Gosh, the first time I've ever did anything on-stage for Church stuff. People like Duane and Kymberly (is her name spelt with an i or a y?) actually said I sang well :D Yay thank God!

The kids were great today at the reading session. Maybe it was because I was looking at things differently? Maybe it was because the boys didn't come. I know it's wrong to think that way but ohwell. They actually made me feel quite happy at the end when they said their goodbyes (: wow next three Sundays without reading session. Wonder where I'll be going...

There are three things I would like to prioritize in my life, especially this holidays:
1. My walk with God, TUMC (Taking Up My Cross)
2. Family, friends
3. Studies
Notice that friends, you guys are still higher on the list than studies HAHA.

I'll be going back to TUMC now people, please do enjoy your holidays for those still schooling. As for those who aren't schooling, well, enjoy the holidays anyway :D

------------------------------------------------------------

For Those- Rush of Fools
For those who are worn with nothing to bring but empty hands
For those who are weak, for those who can't find the strength to stand

Lord we know it's for those You've come
Lord we know it's for those You've given Your Son
Lord we know it's for those who can't come on their own
That You've come, You have come for those

For those who are poor
For those who are broken, those who mourn
For those bound by chains with no way to freedom but for grace
But for grace

If You are for us, who can be against us
Who can be against Your own
If You are with us who can separate us
Who can separate Your own

Walking Her Home

2008-05-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you’ll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground

He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

Ten more years in the waiting room
At half past one
And the doctor said come in and meet your son

His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he’s got your eyes

And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night

He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side

A nursing home
At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said Oh
Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out

But when they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side

Oh he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Beautiful song by Mark Schultz. Played it today during break and I couldn't stop singing it actually, because it really is a beautiful song that touched me deeply.. Its already made my "all-time faves" list!

Starting to pick up again. God help me!

oh.

2008-05-20T03:12:00.000-07:00

本以为是幸福的开始
却演变成悲哀的结局
那么多次的伤心痛苦
不就告诉我结局了吗？

固执地告诉自己
这次一定是例外
结果也还是一样
伤心痛苦又何用？
受伤的仍是自己
自责也一样没用

我等了好久，好久，
难道真的等到这一刻了吗？
或许这
又是一场恶梦的开始？
我好害怕
害怕自己又进入一场
让自己始终无法自拔的梦中
就像以前一样
一次一次地失势
一次一次地心碎
一次一次地崩溃

每一次伤心
每一次心烦
周围的人啊
你们何处去？
一人也无影
一影也无踪
都留我一人
不知要如何
不知怎么办
哦天啊拜托
这真过分啊

Close to Expiry Date.

2008-05-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel like I'm being shelved?

Haven't I done enough, well, to merit at least a certain degree of appreciation? Given the supposed meaning of this "trust" we have between us, wouldn't I be disappointed when things go awry, or when things don't happen at all? Yes I know I am not supposed to have any expectations at all, so I won't be hurt or disappointed, but wouldn't that just mean that we're not what we claim to be? Friends? You know that friendship is a two-way thing, and its very very tiring trying to hold up a friendship that makes me feel like its one-sided. They say when you love, you will automatically think for the person you love before anything. I've given all I could for this; my time, my efforts, my thoughts and my tears, but I just feel like I can't do any of these anymore. I can't breathe. I can't even help myself now. I've given until there's nothing left, and I'm utterly disappointed with myself for not being able to give from God's love. My love's run dry now.

Double whammy.

Feeling like a deformed orange in a supermarket. You pick me up, look at me, and put me back because I'm not good enough for your basket. It just hurts more to know that I've given all I could have given, and knowing that I will never be able to take that place in your heart. I believe that words have to be backed by action. Without action, well, the whole human race might as well be parrots. I know I'm being selfish, but this feeling that I'm feeling now, isn't it on its own an indicator of how much this friendship means to me?

I won't say "I can't take it anymore", because I can. Something inside me is telling me I have the strength to persevere through it all, and that something isn't me. Thank God for putting me through this, because I shall be stronger when it is truly over.

Meanwhile, I'll take the pain, I'll take the apathy, I'll take the tears; until the day when I find that love is truly the answer.

You know, I'm writing this here with almost absolute certainty that you won't read this because you rarely read my stuff anyway. I just hope that God makes me a way, because now, there seems to be no right way out of this. If you happen to read this, well, I'm just in a self-pitying mood. This whole passage here is about what I think and how I feel. You're you. You have your own life, and you do whatever you want with it. Nothing wrong with that, right? I'm just the dude who's not fighting hard enough for my cause..

CHAMPIONS x2!!

2008-05-17T05:04:00.000-07:00

Okay yes that title up there can have two different meanings.

1. This is the 2nd nationals title I have grabbed since I started softball in sec 1.
2. Hwachong's 3rd ever double champs!

Four months. Four months was all it took to transform a 2nd rate A division team into a champion team. This might have well been magic for all you know. I have nothing but respect for coach and the team.

Coach, it has been a life-changing four month period for me. Not only through your insights into the fine details of softball, but also through the way you project yourself. The way you live your life. The constancy of purpose. The love for your family, especially your daughters. These things inspire me so much. We have nothing but respect for you, and I think everyone would agree that we could never have had a better coach than you. Thank you!

Team, hey. It hasn't been easy, trying to organize the team. I'm sorry if I have not done things right for the past year. I was fighting for my beliefs, fighting for what I thought was the right way of playing the sport. Team discipline was one of the things which troubled me. Things like wearing caps, well, I couldn't make everyone wear caps for training so I didn't wear mine in the end. Trivial things such as these, I apologize if I have been overly assertive. Other things, however, cannot be let off. Things like throwing bats and gloves, I always feel really sad when someone does it, because it just shows the immaturity of our play. I couldn't change the way you guys did certain things (like sit on the field), and I got pretty pissed off in the process. Please do understand. It is not an easy thing to work with a group of testosterone-charged 18 year olds. Vulgarities, etc, honestly you guys were really posing me some huge problems because yes I can't swear and it sucks when I blurt something unpleasant out just because its pretty much the team language. At the end of it all, though, I really really enjoyed my time with you guys. I'm going to miss all of this.

HWACHONG FTW.

--------------------------------------------

Buddy,

I've been there before. When hostility and aggression takes over the mind. It hurts, yes, and it hurts deeply. Conflict is never a pleasant experience, but well, most of the imporant lessons in life that we learn are through unpleasant experiences. Use this experience to your own advantage. Assess the situation and tell yourself what you will do the next time you are faced with the same problem. Improve yourself every single time. It is not the number of times you fall that matters, but the struggle to stand up again. Even if you never get to stand up in your whole life, hey. You'll be standing tall and strong in Heaven when the time comes.

Be strong and never let the tides push you down. I'll be your support :)

hmm.

2008-05-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

My problems are really nothing. Coach is right. Whatever I do, whatever pressures I face, it can never be compared to the suffering that many others go through. Compared to these problems, my problems are peanuts. NOTHING. Damn. I thought I knew what Jesus' suffering meant. I thought I knew just roughly how painful it was to walk the road to Golgotha with the cross.

When I look at my life over the times when I was feeling more or less depressed, I can't help but feel so stupid. All these while the answer was staring me in the face but I was too myopic to see anything that truly mattered. I have to learn that sometimes, what matters is not what I can see or feel, but what I can't. This would be trust; this would be faith.

I've been hurting myself a lot. This thing, its been here since secondary school. I wish it won't stay. How I wish..

Thanks Em. Thank You Lord.

zzz

2008-05-05T06:42:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since I updated and since I'm still sian about doing work now I shall update a bit.

If you have been following my twitter posts you'd more or less know what's been going on in my life lately, but what I posted in there is like, only a small fraction of what has reeeally been happening lately: A LOT. Especially last weekend in church which was like, yesterday and the day before. I felt like a changed person, oh well, at least for a while. I want the feeling! It pretty much refreshes me because I truly am tired of all the typical moods switching around in a routine-like cacophony.

Anyway, at the time that this post was typed: its 210 hours away from the final. The championship is ours and no one's going to touch it.

Haven't been studying a lot lately, because I just can't. It's just the feeling that I have to get certain things sorted out first before I can start fighting. I will clear the mess in due time. My parents have been attacking me for using the com a lot (like I spend my time in school from 7am to 8pm luh and I don't even have space to complain) and well. It doesn't feel good to hear certain things that are being said about my computer usage, especially since they do not know what I'm doing on the com. Trying to find a good way out of this problem but I don't know how.

Just realized that all that I ever wanted out of others was acceptance. The feeling that I matter, and the feeling that I'm not redundant. I don't know luh, all these things seem so stupid when I type them out. Guess I'd never felt much love from others . Maybe that's I don't have much strength to love, but when it comes down to using the right kind of love, it sure is hard to love using God's love instead of my own.

Inside me I wish I could be everything to my friends. Haha. Dumb, I know, because all I can be is me. Just plain, old, boring, inadequate me. I can never be funny, I can't possibly be inspiring, I'm quite possibly the most boring person to hang out with, I can't maintain a proper conversation long enough, I don't have any self-confidence, I don't have so many things, and I don't have anything to give but me.

Alright going to do my Bible project then off to sleep. Update soon..

HC v RJ

2008-04-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

So we won. ACS(I) for the final.

I don't know what happened. Warm up was fine, everything was fine. When I stepped up the plate to pitch though, my legs just seized up. Cramp. Crap. Couldn't pitch properly. Tried my best. Cut my stride. Hurts like mad. The first two innings were okay, but the next two that came were terrible. I couldn't remember much of anything that happened, really, except that I my ball got hit quite a lot but I didn't even care anyway. Oh, and pain pain pain. I had to press on. Nothing was going to stop me from finishing that stoopid game. Gee I don't even know the score.

I don't know what it looked like from the spectator's side. Maybe the HC pitcher was half-dead and crazily still pitching. Maybe in his weakened state he couldn't keep his focus enough so he hit a lot a lot of Raffles batters. Maybe he should just stop being so stupid and let someone else pitch. Its only a school game, why fight so hard?

I don't know, I don't care, and all I want to do is to thank God for bringing me through it all. Oh. I want to thank God for the mayday holiday too.

OKAY.

2008-04-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

So if we win tomorrow we'll be in the final against ACS.

IMBA.

Terrible Terrible Terrible.

2008-04-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

And again my poor blog is plunged into another melancholic state.

Everyone has those times, when they feel that everything they do is meaningless; when they lose a sense of purpose and when they see no end to these meaningless routines. For the whole period of 2008 so far, I have been working towards living a more meaningful life. I tried to establish friendships and sustain them, I tried to build on the things that I had been taking for granted and I tried, oh I tried so darned many things. Now at this point, not even halfway through the year, I am asking myself:

"To what end?"

Sure, it is only right that I give myself up for the sake of others; it is only right that I place less focus on myself and more on the people I have around me, but why am I feeling so empty now? I find that as a mere human being, it is so difficult to give without expecting any returns no matter how hard you try. The question always comes:

"Why does everything I give fall into hands of apathy?.."

Indeed I am in the wrong for thinking this way, for expecting every little thing I do to be appreciated.

So when friendships progress to a state of apathy or even hostility, all I get is a cut where it hurts most: the heart. Which is the reason for my hurt, which is the reason I fall asleep at night with a heavy burden in my heart, which is the reason something inside me curdles in disappointment every single time I hear of another subtle sigh of assurance that I can never really matter.

So subtle yet so hurtful. Papercut hurts the most.

Frankly I do not know what to do now. The best way out is to go back to faith, the way that could never possibly fail in the long run, but being human, sometimes I only want the easiest way out. What a flawed being I am.

Terrible terrible terrible.

Dumb.

2008-04-22T05:13:00.000-07:00

So after I knocked out in school today for two full hours without even realizing it, I had one heck of a time trying to attribute the painful concoction of physical suffering and emotional turbulence. I came to a conclusion finally, and uhh..

I think my subconscious does all the thinking and relays whatever evaluations it has to my consciousness. No matter how much logic I throw at myself, no matter how well I reason, I will never be fully convinced once my subconscious has dumped me into this mood.

So when my subconscious tells me that "things will never be the same again" and "there it goes", I think my consciousness was pretty much beaten into unconsciousness, pardon the pun. Beaten into pulp would be more appropriate.

I find it so difficult to accept and share with others, well, because I know I shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm jealous, I'm selfish and I'm envious, when all I should be doing is just to be happy for what is happening. Happy that "things will never be the same again", and that it will all still go on nicely without me in the equation.

I hate myself for feeling that way, hate myself for being such a flawed soul, hate myself for not having a constancy of purpose, hate myself for just being so weak.

Somehow I managed to convince myself that no one'll read this post. If I didn't, you guys probably wouldn't know what's going on with me. Trust me, I don't really know either. Read, and understand, the pains I am going through; and pardon me.

Resolution

2008-04-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

For all You've done, I'll live my life for You Lord.
And I'll sing, Saviour, I love You so.
I'll sing, because the world can't take away Your love.